The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 11: Cesspool X Part 2 & 3 of 3

Charles begins to explore the city. He can't explain it . Maybe it's some morbid curiosity, maybe It's an unconscious desire to meet people who are actually happy even though the world around them has collapsed. Maybe he secretly wants to be a furry. He can't think about that now, he's got minglin' to do.

That store looks like a good place to start.

Inside is a Quickdraw McGraw and a space warrior pig guy.

Tons of new equipment for sale, Barkley gets a spiked B-Ball and everyone gets some new threads.

Let's go see what this fucked up dog furry guy says.

Oh, it's an actual dog, my bad. Well that turkey looking listfully into the sewage probably was once, or is, human. Let's talk to him.

What's that supposed to mean?
Look at this place, it's a shithole. Literally. They said you should never be afraid to be yourself, but I guess that's only if you're like them. I wasn't I wasn't like them at all and look where I am now. I'm hiding for my life in the sewers… But you know what? I hid just as much when I was back up there. But I wasn't hiding from them… I was hiding from myself. You know what? I'd rather be hiding from them than me. Does that make any sense to you?
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Let me ask you something, Charles. What are you?
Me? I'm Charles Barkley.
I know that but… what are you? What are you deep down at the core of your soul?
A baller…
But when was the last time you played b-ball?
Back before the Purge.
That was 12 years ago Charles. Do you still think you can call yourself a baller?
You shut the fuck up! You have no right to say that!
That's my point though. Down here, I can always be who I really am, a turkey, and nobody can stop me. Sure, I'm hiding from them, but I'm not hiding from myself. You? You're hiding from yourself. Everyday you hear the gentle calling of that bumpy, orange ball. You hear Spalding quietly beckon you, "Barkley, bounce me", but you don't. You don't because of them. B-ball's are in your blood, Barkley, but you don't admit it because they don't want you to. You're hiding from yourself.
You're… You're wrong.
Heh, so be it Barkley. Maybe I am.
Fuck. That turkey was incredibly depressing, maybe yogi bear could cheer Charles.

That fucking dog!

Those Nikes… I gotta get those Nikes...

Jabberjaw has been really jaded since the band broke up.

Frank pinpoint an answer. I mean, yeah, the sexual attraction was always there, but I don't think that's really it. My dad was alcoholic. He was never really there, he was always wasting his time and money at the bar. Before he left for the bar, he would always tell me, "You stay there and watch TV and if you're not there when I get back… well boy, there'll be hell to pay,". So I watched the TV. My favorite show was Huckleberry Hound. I just loved that dog; the way he talked, the way he sang and dance. It was great. I… I guess I looked at Huckleberry Hound as the father I never had. I mean, he taught me how to ride a bike, he taught me how to swim, he taught me everything. But I didn't just want to be LIKE Huckleberry Hound, I wanted to BE him. Well, here I am, Huckleberry Hound. This is me, this is who I was born to be.

Disgusted to the point of blindness, he stumbles into the nearest doorway

I… I am going now

Back outside he meets the Huckleberry Hound again.

Frank I know what you're thinking. I'm a freak. Well you know what? I don't
care. I'm happy with who I am and I don't need you telling me that you think I'm weird. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go leave some scats.

Huh? What's the problem?
The Cyberdwarf… He doesn't look normal, Barkley. Don't stare at him.
Huh? Sure, whatever. I won't stare.

Yes… That is I.

The man turns around to face Barkley. He is no man however, basketballs covered in armor would be more precise. Some terrible basketball themed snowman? Wait this is a furry town! This must be some sort of basketball fetish? It's all too much for Barkley. He's lost in the dwarf's appearance, staring at each bump. An ancient, primitive part of Charles wonders if, perhaps he could dribble the Cyberdwarf…


No, it's not that-
I am not from here, Barkley. I am from another world, far away. A world of dwarfs.
Where are you from?
I am from space.
Y-your face…
It was the fire. I lost control of my ship upon entry of this planet's atmosphere and… the fire ravaged my ship. I will never be able to go how now, but even more, it ravaged my body. Someone found me and took me to the hospital, but it was no use. The fire had destroyed my flesh and the hospital had no cyberdwarf skin. All they had were b-balls.
They were forced to graft b-balls to your skin…
Yes. I have flesh of… of b-balls now.
I am sorry, Cyberdwarf…
There are more important things to be sorry about, like your father's predicament, Barkley.
My… father?
Balthios, this is Barkley isn't it? Hoopz Barkley?
N-no, Cyberdwarf. This is Charles, Hoopz's father! I thought you wanted me to bring Charles!
Damnit Balthios, I said Hoopz! Charles is not the one!
Vinceborg begins to pace the room at hearing this
Bzzt! Zzzt! The… one… Zzzt! Bzzt!
Vinceborg 2050, what's happening?
N-nothing Balthios… I thought I was getting back my memories but it was… nothing.
Balthios this graver error has cost us what precious little time to spare we had. We must find Hoopz Barkley at once!
Wh-what's happening? What are you talking about?
There is no time to explain! Where is Hoopz?
He's at the church. I left him with Bird.
Then we must go there at once! I will explain everything once he is in our protection, but there is not time to spare and too much to lose if we wait any further. There is a passage to the church if we take the path to the north and left. Quickly we must make haste!
Balthios, what's happening? Is Hoopz going to be okay?
I… don't know, Barkley. Only time can tell.
Only time can tell…

We finally have a full party! What's this door in the Cyber Dwarf's house go to though?

He was an amazing baller and a personal friend of mine. Do you mind if I pay my respects?
Yes, but be quick about it.

covered in paintings of some of b-balls greatest moments. Over there, that's Wilt Chamberlain's 100 point! That's Michael Jordan winning the Space J…never mind. But this must truly be one of the greatest b-ball catacombs of all time. When all of this is over, I must return to study this.
We're here to pay our respects, Barkley. Let's make it quick.
We have a new character and some new moves, so let's go over them. First off, Vinceborg's guard heals 20% BP and VP instantly, it's pretty useful. The Cyber Dwarf's guard actually guards any another person from being hit and increases guard by 33%. This is really one of the best guards.

The Cyber Dwarf is also able to do a combo attack of punches, kicks, and jabs, somewhat similar to Legend of Legaia. On top of this you can use a directional key, in combination with an action key to get 'finishers.' These moves take up a large portion of the active combo bar, but do lower one stat. Maybe someone awesome (like onepixeljumpman who has shown off combat, and has had some of the most creative contest entries) could show them off. Cyber Dwarf also is the healer of the party. The Cyber Dwarf is too good at everything, he has the most powerful regular attacks, the best guard, and can heal the party. As the game progresses you might find yourself using another character to heal because the Cyber Dwarf is just that powerful.
We make our way through the crypt, facing the enemies from the first two dungeons. By this time, everything is super easy.

Wh-what the hell was that?
I don't know but… something's definitely alive down here…
We press forward. There are a two items of note, urns, on the left path. Lets examine them.
I can only assume that Dekembe's entrails are stored in these canopic urns.
Yes… After the Purge, Dekembe was mummified according to African b-ball custom. He was such a large man that they needed two urns to hold his entrails.
You seem to know quite a bit about African b-ball custom, Barkley.
I'm proud of my heritage, Balthios. It's important to remember where we came from, no matter who we are.
Wise words, Barkley. Perhaps someday you'll have to teach me a little about African b-ball tradition.
Yes, perhaps I will.

This is the power of snails! As previously mentioned, since the projectile is so slow, it is able to become really powerful, twice the damage we were doing with Ice Zauber.

This is looking really bad. 3 of the party just had strokes, and Balthios is fouled. Dread refs ain't nothing to mess with. Remember how the Dread ref can hit multiple times? Well if he attacks a defending Balthios, each hit gets countered, bringing the dread ref down about half its life bar.

There are two ways through this area, either we take the left path, which is relatively painless, or we can take the right path, in which we traverse a maze with a gate and a button. (Take the left path!)

My god… that noise is getting louder.
Whatever it is, we're getting closer to it. I get the feeling we're about to find out what's making it.

Get ready, guys. We may need to slamjam at a moment's notice.

slams and jams…
They say Dikembe Mutombo was a deeply religious baller.
Yeah. Yeah he was. Before every game, he'd say a prayer to whatever gods of b-ball he believed in to improve his game. I don't know if he was humble or crazy because he attributed his abilities to Clispaeth. He had no idea the measure of his own talent.
D… Dikembe…
Vince, you remember something?
I… don't know…
Well Barkley, we're here. Pay your respects and we can move on.
I… I just wanted to say, Dikembe, that I… I always envied your talent and abilities and sometimes… sometimes I wished I was you. I just wanted to say… I'm sorry.
The room begins to shake.
Huh? What's going on?

We burn him to the ground. Double team, Thunder Zauber, Hellacious Laser, and dwarf jabs, are all incredibly powerful. All the off screen grinding is finally paying off.

Dikembe… is that really you?
Yes Barkley, it is really me. You have freed me from the ancient and deadly b-ball curse that cause me to eternally haunt these halls in limbo, trapped between this life and the B-Ball Dimension. I feel my ghostly, incorporeal form dissipating into an ethereal mist of… of b-balls. I'm finally… coming… home…
Dikembe! Wait! There's something I wanted to tell you!
Quickly Barkley, the b-ball curse has lifted!
I… I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the Purge and I'm sorry about what happened.
Barkley, I want you to carry on my legacy.
Close your eyes and let the power of jams wash over you. Let my knowledge enter your body…

Th-thank you, Dikembe!
You are welcome Barkley. Oh, and one last thing…
You are…

The room flashes, and for a moment, Barkley feels the hard maple floors of a basketball court beneath him as Dikembe makes his final journey.

We… we had better leave.
Yes… let's go.

With the curse lifted, so too are all the negative B-Ball energies increasing our bio- rhythms! While we are inside this dungeon, our stats will increase by an extra 30% during a level up! Unfortunately all the monsters are dead so we can't level up. Geez.
Anyway, we got a femur, and there was a certain doggy who had some Nikes. I wonder if he'd want this bone?

These are the best of shoes and they will be going onto the Cyber Dwarf to get him faster than Barkley. Well, that's all of…

Ah, old friend, we meet again.

The difference between Japanese and American vidcon consumers are as blatant as the difference between seasons 1 and 2 of Otomoe wa Boku ni Koishiteru (a nod to my fellow Otomoe wa Boku ni Koishiteru enthusiasts). Where as the Japanese vidcon consumer is informed and discriminating in his or her purchases and endeavors, his American counterpart acts as a foil, stumbling blindly through the vidcon department at K-mart, groping for the first vidcon with enough explosions or mammaries on the cover to slake their slavering decidedly non-intellectual lusts. Their hunger for Western garbage such as Madden and Halo is fueled by an almost sub-human ignorance that is as profound in the rest of their lives as it is in their choosing of vidcons. This disgusting display of American mass stupidity is no doubt the result of Christian indoctrination, adding another point on the list of reasons why the Japanese are more intelligent than the West, as a contemptuous Western culture has left its people with little more than swiss cheese brains and an unquenchable urge for repeat football vidcons.

Ok now we can leave.

Next time, we save Hoopz and nothing goes wrong!

Remember the poem contest is ends on Sunday, right now Skurvykip is the only contender, and brought a power house to the table. We also have a new truck pump, we are now half way through the truck pumps if you would believe it!