The Let's Play Archive

Barkley's Shut Up And Jam: Gaiden

by N.N. Ashe

Part 24: Of Whistles and Wishes, The Charles Barkley Story.

Let's rub some fucking lamps.

Holy Clispeath! It's Kazaam.
I am… Kazaam
Wow Barkley, I've heard about this Djinni in my tomes. Since we have summoned Kazaam, we are entitled to a wish.
Make your wish and I'm out of your face, back in my lamp and away from this place.
Ok, I'll wish for…

Let's go through em.

I wish for more power.

Gained +5 to VP,BP, Power, Guard, Brain, and Speed for all party members!

I want more knowledge.

you'll least cherish. Kazaam! And I'm out of this place.
Hmm, I'm not sure what this means Barkley. I've heard of a Deathtemple in hell, but it's only a myth. Supposedly those who have acted without any moral regard in their lives end up there as a punishment. While I personally do not believe such a place exists, these myths remind us to live virtuously.
It's something to think about, I guess.

But really, there's only one canonical option here.

I wish for more wealth.

5000$ magically appeared in your wallet!

Whistle time.

I don't think this is going to work.
Give it a toot and let's see what happens.
Alright, here goes…

Music - Dimensional Whistle

Charles, look out!

A party sized whirlwind picks up the party and carries them into the air!

So this is the BBall Dimension portal…
I feel… Different. It feels like I'm going home.

A voice echoes inside Barkley's head.

Did you hear that?
Yes, the BBall Portals retain resonance of those passing through it because of the immense amount of bballjoules it takes to shift planes.
That voice sounded familiar…

Ethereal Basketballs swarm infinitely towards the portal's entrance without end. Whether these are the Valkyries of the BBall Dimension or the breakdown of reality into its most basic parts is unknown.

That's Dick Vitale! He must have made it to the BBall Dimension, too.
Look's like we're almost there, get ready to brace for the dimensional shift!

Music - B-Ball Dimension

One thing that caused me to stop playing this game and register to post to this was the EXTREMELY ANNOYING propaganda that gets spit out at me for about 4- 6 text screens everytime I want to save. Although I agree with much of what you say there is really no need to put this in a game. It makes it seem very unprofessional and just plain annoying and in my case ruined the whole appeal of the game. Now, let me explain why I call it propaganda yet I say I agree with most of it. First off, you state your points in a very racist and one sided way, in fact it's stated in such a way where it makes YOU sound very unintelligent and infact ignorant. For instance, you mention how games like Madden and Quake are ruining gaming and how the people who play these games are stupid( This is what I, and many people I've spoke to about have taken from it.) First off, I don't particularly disagree with you, I don't like either of these games or there generes. However, as a professional game developer myself, the first thing I had to come to terms with (and which you very much need to) is the fact that not everone likes the same games as you. Infact, this can be broadened to the fact that people have different OPINIONS, which can not be validated as right or wrong since they are OPINIONS. Some people who are big sports fan will like playing sports game. Who are you to judge there opinions? Who are you to judge there intelligence? I won't even get into your racist statements since I myself do not want to gt into it since it would add many many paragraphs to this post. Let me say this, it completely convinced me that you are FAR FAR more ignorant than those you insult. But from a professional point of view this is absurd, this propaganda has no place in a game, especially in one where all the other aspect are excellent. So in summary, keep you opinions/politics out of your games or you will lose fan. You just lost my support, respect and that of many other people I know by having such ignorant propaganda in your game. Now I will leave you with a few words from the father of philosophy, Socrates. "All I know is that I do not know anything." Please think this over and raise youself about your ignorance. Thank you and have a good day.

What's the Festival Tournament?
Meadowlark Lemon You've never heard of the Festival Tournament? The dimension's greatest warriors come together for a spectacular display of martial and magical ability. They say the winner gets a very special one-of-a-kind prize. I'm so excited!
Sounds great.
Meadowlark Lemon It is, but I'm pretty sure it's going to go to the arena champion, Kevin Garnett. He's been arena champion for nearly 10 years and has never been defeated. Not even once! It's amazing!
Wait, did you say Kevin Garnett?
Meadowlark Lemon Yeah, played for the Timberwolves. That's the one.
I haven't seen him in years. I want to talk to him.
Meadowlark Lemon Well good luck with that. The only thing he cares about now is training for the Festival Tournament. He hardly speaks to anyone.
Oh well. Maybe next time then.

A flock of men of men gather around the arena. It's time to gather some

Oh, he's so handsome! I hope nothing happens to his sensitive face in the Festival Tournament!
Kevin-san is such a bishi! I hope he looks at me during the Festival Tournament!
Oh Kevin! We know you'll win the tournament! We'll be rooting for you!

Music - Doctor
This song makes me wish a new front mission game would come out.

Inside the arena a few anxious competitors wait for their chance for glory.

I trained all year for the Festival Tournament, I have to win. I don't care what they say about Kevin Garnett, he looks like a real scrub.
I don't know. I met with Kevin on the b-ball court a few times and he sure knows how to hold his own.
Yeah, well this ain't b-ball. I'm gonna kick his ass and get the prize.
Good luck with that, I guess.
Combatant The ghastly doomhell skeleton always gets me in the second round… Not this year. I trained many seasons and meditated to the five arts relentlessly. My time has come.
Attendant Greetings, are you here to register for the Festival Tournament?
What's the prize?
Attentdant The prize is very precious and one-of-a-kind item that many collectors would value highly.
Wh-what if it's a golden b-ball…

Attendant Alright. Please write your name here…

A man of definite swagger comes in from the arena, the air suffused with a combination of sweat and the hint of something very sweet

Kevin! Hey man, long time no see! I hear you're the arena champion or something now, huh?
Heh, what's it to you, swine?

Charles searches the man's face for any kindness, but one finds one thing: thirst.

I've been waiting and training for this moment for so long, the day I would finally be able to kill Charles Barkley on the battlefield. Oh yes, I've waited for what felt like an eternity training my body to become the ultimate killing machine. I've sacrificed everything to become arena champion for the chance of revenge, I will defeat you, Charles Barkley, and my quest for revenge will be over. I will have redeemed b-ball!
So you're kind of a dick now, huh?
Mark my words, Barkley. I will rend you from limb to limb and drink your blood. A Chaos Dunk is too easy a punishment for you.

Kevin gives a long cold stare, smirks, and returns to the arena

Man, he's really changed.

Sound Effect - Quest

Good luck, dad! I'll be rooting for you!
As will I, Barkley. Do your best out there.
Don't get yourself killed, Charles.
Thanks guys. I'll do my best out there.

Music - Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Commentator …enter Charles Barkley, the man singularly responsible for the demise of b-ball! Let's see if his skills off the court are as strong as they are on it. The rules are simple, Barkley: face your foes in order and make your way to the arena champion!
Time to test my mettle on some danger…
Commentator Your first challenge, Charles Barkley: an orc from hell!

Hell orc is a fluff match, he's one member of the infinite chaff that every game has.

CommentatorYour second foe, Charles Barkley: a ghastly doom hell skeleton!

Doomhell Skele is in fact, the exact same. He does not attack and goes down without any trouble

Commentator Your third opponent, Charles Barkley: a cryptic blood ghoul!

This guy is on par with a weak encounter. Barkley got hit once for 80 damage.

Commentator Your fourth foe, Charles Barkley, will be a hell demon! The crowd is going mad, you're in the semi-finals! If you make it past this fight, you'll have to face the arena champion, Kevin Garnett himself! Can you handle the pressure?
You suckers got nothing on me.

This Delmon Master though,

He is different. He has an incredible amount of hp.

He is still subject to fate, however.

Commentator He did it folks! He's managed to make it to the final round! Only one challenge remains: the arena champion, Kevin Garnett!

sinew and flesh between my fingers.
Kevin, we used to be friends. Don't let it end like this…
Any man who can still call you a friend is a traitor. Enough talk! I've been waiting for this moment for too long, it's time to savor it!

Kevin almost is a challenge, he can deal damage, and significantly slow Barkley down, but before him is an unstoppable star.

Barkley takes this chance to insult the man he just jammed.

I'm… I'm sorry.
All these years… I blamed you for what happened, I blamed you for the Purge and b-ball being taken away. I trained in a dojo for 12 years to get strong enough to defeat you and when I finally get the chance… in one moment… one little moment, I see that everything I believed, everything I've driven myself towards is wrong. I tried to force myself to believe that if I killed you everything would be better. I tried to tell myself that if I fueled my actions with hate rather than understanding and acceptance that I could make things the way they were. Heh! All those years slaving away in a dojo and I didn't think of helping people around me. No. I was a fool… I'm… I'm sorry.
Wow, say it don't spray it.
Goodbye… I hope someday… you can forgive me…
Goodbye, Kevin…

Music - Doctor

Got 1 Mithril Jersey(s)!

Good job dad! I knew you could do it!
I didn't expect any less of you, Charles.
Thanks guys. I'll put this jersey to good use, but most importantly, I'll never forget the lessons I learned in the arena.
I'm… I'm proud of you, Barkley. Good work.

Ain't no kimono, but it'll do. Back outside, the party runs into a familiar face.

Gatorade you can drink, and hey, they even got a dating service! Wow! What a place!
Dating Service…
It's great to see you here Dick. It's good to know all the ballers and coaches like yourself are in such a great place after what happened…
It's all great, Chuck. Can't get enough of this place!
Alright, I'm gonna take a look around here. See you later Dick.
Oh, well, there is one thing, you know, just one thing. This place has everything, and, well I bet all my money on keno and lost it. I could use some coin, say 50 neo-shekels, if you get my drift, cause there's nothing like playing keno and catching the rays while sipping on some 'ade, baby!

Sorry Dick, I can't spare any neo-shekels. I need them.
What? Can't even spare some money for an old friend? You need to get a fucking clue pal, what means more to you, baby? Neo-shekels or an old pal? Guess I know where you stand huh? Guess I know where you stand!
W-what? I thought we were cool?
No money no funny, baby, you get the idea. Just scram pal, you're wasting my breath.

Visibly hurt, Barkley is drawn to billboard where he can hide from Dick's gaze.

This is paradise. With his head held high, he sees another old friend.

Grant Hill Barkley? Charles Barkley? Is that you?
Grant Hill? Holy shit, man! How's it been!?
Grant Hill It's been great, Barkley! I've been playing pickup games from sunrise to sunset and working on my jams like no tomorrow. What are you doing here, man?
I found this magic whistle that teleported me here when I blew on it.
Grant Hill That's amazing, man. Wish it had been that easy for me. Hey, how's Maureen doing? She doing alright?
She… she passed on during the Purge. She was at the game…
Grant Hill Oh… oh I didn't… I'm sorry Charles. I really am.
It's not your fault, Grant. We lost a lot of good people in the Purge.
Grant Hill That's right… Hey, you know there's a dating service here. You might want to check that out, they've got a lot of fine-looking young WNBA ladies looking for a match, Barkley.
I… I don't know if I'm ready to start the whole dating thing again yet, Grant.
Grant Hill Yeah, I understand that. Well hey, you take care of yourself, alright man? Think about that dating service.
Alright, I will. You take care of yourself too, Grant. Don't break your back in a pickup, old man.

Music - Moe

A visibly nervous, sits by the door. The party goes offer to check if aid is needed to be rendered.

Huh? What's the matter?
They're matching me up with someone now, I'm so nervous. I don't think I've ever been this nervous before.
What's the big deal? It's just a dating service.
But who knows if the girl they match me up with is the girl I've been dreaming of all my life? Who knows if it's that special girl that will makes happy…
K-kinda like Maureen…
My ideal woman, she'd be like this…
+She'd have to be Caucasian. No other race could make me feel as close- not even Asian.
+Definitely untoned and shorter than me, with long hair.
+Color is irrelevant because she'd dye it anyway.
+Someone with good ideals and a moral backbone without being "old-fashioned." Someone who really likes to huggle so forth- who could sleep in a single sized bed comfortably with me. Preferably she'd like to wear stuff I pick out for her and she'd be just as willing to do any random little chore or appeasement that I already dedicate so much of my convenience to others for (and her included of course.)
+Big bonus points if she likes my creativity and RPGmaker game(s/coding skill)
+Someone who could act almost as my double, going anywhere I went, but who needed my help for things. Lifting something, interpreting more complex Japanese, explaining things clearly, mathematical calculations.
+ My first kid will be a girl named Terra or a boy named Ryukaze. Hopefully this wouldn't need discussion ( Though I might think harder about "Ryukaze.")
+ I could explain some other 100% necessary no-exception-for-anything details, but those are more "personal"…
+ One admitable detail for my last point is she'd need to like roleplaying, pretending, make-believe etc. because two things I like in private are flattery (and flattering) and "foreplay."
J… just like Maureen…
Barkley musters up his courage, what he needs now, more than ever, is Maureen. Or a Maureen like substitute, that would work too.

You going on a date, dad?

He stares into his sons eyes and sighs heavily.

No Hoopz, I… I don't know if I could do that to Maureen.
I've already devoted my life to another.
What? I didn't know you had a girlfriend Balthios.
Not a girlfriend, Barkley. The zaubers.
Well Hoopz is too young to go on a date. That leaves…
I, uh… I don't think a girl would want to go out with a basketball-skinned freak like me…
That's not true, Cyberdwarf. Basketball skin is found attractive in many cultures.
When was the last time you felt a woman's touch or grasped a woman's firm tookus?
It has been a long time and… I have been lonely.
Well what are you waiting for? Come on man! Go for it!
Moe Have you made up your mind? Would you like to go on a date with one of our lovely ladies.?z
O-okay. Alright, I will!

Moe Excellent! What traits in particular are you looking for a partner?
Moe Anything else?
Only applebottoms.
Moe Okay, just a moment, let me process your request. Hmmm, only one woman matches your request, Ivory Latta, a member of the North Carolina WNBA team.

She strolls up, her poised elegance only matched by her subtle posterior.

Sh…she's beautiful…
Moe You two can talk in the back room. Why don't you go there and get to know each other a little bit better.
That… that sounds like a good idea…

Music - Dating

The years of being alone have taken a toll on his charisma unfortunately

Lemme glimpse that applebottom.
M… my applebottom?
Gotta see it.
I… I don't know about that Mister Cyberdwarf. We just met and my applebottom is private.
Gotta see it.
N… no thank you. I… really don't know what to say. I'm not really good with people…

I can give you a free mammogram.
I… well, thank you but… I don't really… um…
Totally free of charge.

If I had an applebottom detector, it would be going on like mad right now. Beep beep beep!
Wh-what's an applebottom dete-
Beep beep! Beep beep beepepepepeep! Damn girl! You got one hell of a bushel in there.
A… bushel? A bushel of apples?
Okay we are talking about books now.
What books do you like?
Oh, I don't know, I guess fantasy books. Books about magical realms far away where the world is different and the people are nicer. I… I also like romance novels…

I… also read romance novels. I sometimes like to pretend I'm the lead male protagonist and I am sweeping the girl off her feet.
I… I like to pretend I'm being swept off my feet when I read romance novels too.
Umm, Moe said you used to play for the Tar Heels in the WNBA.
I was just a rookie… I wasn't any good. Our coach would always yell at me, he'd say "Latta, get the damn ball, Latta! Don't drop the damn ball Latta! You dropped the ball! You're a failure, Latta!" I tried as hard as I could but I just wasn't good enough for the team.

You sound a lot like my coach… He would tell me I wasn't good enough for the team and that I was a failure of a b-ball player…

I… um… I don't think I can show that to you.
I am wearing 3D glasses so your applebottom pops out at me.
I… I wish you'd stop…
Um… o…okay…

Something comes over Cyberdwarf, something more powerful than his desire for keisters. It's Love.

Let me tell you something. When I was a kid, they said dwarves couldn't play b-ball. They said we were too short to dunk, too stocky to be effective. That didn't stop me. I trained and practiced for days and nights to get better and you know what? I was the first dwarf to slam dunk. I didn't let them stop me, Ivory. Neither should you.
That was so inspiration, Cyberdwarf. Th…thank you for being so kind to me. Most people aren't very kind… one time I was working on my dunk and one of my teammates said I had the worst dunk she'd ever seen… she was probably right.

No, it's bad… I'm just a bad b-ball player. I can't help it.
I'll judge that for myself. Let me see it.
Let me see your dunk, Ivory. I'll tell you if it's bad or not.
It's not good… You'll yell at me and call me stupid…
No I won't. Just show me your dunk.
Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
O-okay… here goes…

Ivory… that was amazing. I… I can't believe my eyes. That was one of the best dunks I've ever seen.
You… you mean it?
I'm in complete awe. It was flawless.
Th…thank you Cyberdwarf. I'm… I'm blushing a little.
Do you want to talk about something else now?
Oh, I'm… I'm blushing. You're so sweet Cyberdwarf. Let's talk about something else. Cyberdwarf, there's… there's somewhere I want to show you.

It's… it's beautiful.
I come here when I want to be alone, when I just want to look up at the moon and think. Noboddy knows about this place but me… and you.

plays. Shooting, dunks... sometimes… how lonely I am…
Ivory… there's something I need to tell you…
In all my life I've never known a woman so incredible as you. You're smart, beautiful, funny, talented, sweet… I could go on forever. I want you to know, Ivory… you're a shooting star.
C-Cyberdwarf… I…I feel the same way about you. You're… you're so kind to me, you're so… wonderful Cyberdwarf. I'm so glad I met you.

Cyberdwarf, there's something I want to give you.
It's Tupperware armor. Only cyber dwarfs can wear it. I know you're on a quest to save the world. I've been following you since you left the sewers. I… I've thought you were handsome for a very long time… but that's not the point. This will protect you from whatever it is you're up against and hopefully… it'll remind you of me.

Got 1 Tupperware Armor(s)!

I'll treasure this, Ivory. I swear it.
I know you will…
Ivory… My sweet Ivory…

Cyberdwarf! Ivory! How did it
Charles… Ivory is "the one."
Cyberdwarf… promise me that you'll come back.
I don't know where our journey will take us, Ivory, but you know that wherever in the world we are, you will be in my heart.
Before you go… I want you to have this… So you can always remember our time together.

Got 1 Ivory's Bromide(s)!

Thank you… Thank you for everything Ivory.

And that's top tier for cyberdwarf. Back to the streets, The b-ball dimension is a large place with strange sites. Take this man for instance, he looks to be dribbling into a wall.
What are you doing?
Tracy McGrady What does it look like? I'm packing the recently bred b-balls to ship.
Recently bred b-balls? What?
Tracy McGrady We grow them here on the b-ball ranch. Look, I've got a lot of work to do, can you leave me alone?
Uh, sorry.

Let's check it out.

Music - B-Ball Farm

Each ball playfully frolics around it's pen. This must be very young b-balls

C…Coach? Coach Guokas! Holy shit! What the hell are you doing out here?
Haha, no kidding, it is you! How've you been, Barkley?
Times have been tough, Coach, but I'll make it.
Yeah, the Purge has been hard on all of us but I know you've got what it takes to rebound. You always did on the court. A little b-ball humor if you will.
So what are you doing out here coach?
Ah, I gave up the whole coaching gig after the Purge and started raising b-balls here on the ranch. It's a nice change of pace and everything.
Raising b-balls? What do you mean?
Well, first we breed 'em. That's the tough part, cuz sometimes you get these really ornery b-balls that just don't want to mate. You gotta coerce 'em, you see? But after that it's not that hard, just water and feed them. After they're old enough you can start to use 'em however you want fell. Some folks keep 'em as pets. Others battle them in the b-ball stadium. Some just like to bounce 'em. Me? I don't mind the company of a good b-ball now and then. How about it Barkley, want to try your hand at raising a b-ball?
Sure, what do I have to do?
You can have the ball on the top right of the ranch. He's a real feisty guy so you better be ready. All you have to do is feed, water, and train it. Each different type of food and drink raises a different stat, but they cost money. Training it also raises it's stats and it doesn't cost any money, but train it too hard and it'll start to resent you and you don't want to see what an angry b-ball can do. Got all that Barkley?
Yeah, I think so.
Raising a b-ball can be tough but the rewards are endless. If you've got anymore specific questions feel free to come back and ask.

A lot of people have issues when it comes to B-ball raising, either it takes too much time, money, or is just too esoteric to understand what's going on, so I'm gonna break it down. All food items raise or lower stats by 1, while training raises stats by 2. Training is always the more efficient way to boost stats, but you must either let your b-ball eat two meals, or drink three drinks before you can train it again. Otherwise it's loyalty and obedience scales each go down by five points! If you do make a mistake, drinking raises loyalty and feeding raises obedience. It's an expensive mistake and it futzes with the min/maxing so try not to do it.

Before we continue let's go through all the options.

Jordan greens = Str Up, Vig Up, Wis Down
Ewing= Spd Up, Str Up, Vig Down
Chamberlain = Str Up, Wis Up

Gatorade A.M= Wis Up Vig Up Spd Down
Gatorade X-Factor = Spd Up, Str Up, Vig Down
Gatorade Fierce = Wis Up Spd Up Str Up

Dribbling = +2 Str
Dribbling = +2 Spd, +2 Vig
Passing = 2+ Wis

All the stats are hidden, so it's really hard to tell if it's being raised right, if you have a pen and paper or some other way to write things down it'll help. Each stat starts at 1 and goes all the way up to 100 and can't go below 0. Loyalty and obedience both start at 50.

Now if you have a ton of money to burn going grinding obedience 100 with Jordan greens, then to 3 Fierce then Dribbling works to get the main stats to 100.If you don't have around 3000 neo-shekels you have to make a tough choice, only 3 stats can be maxed, the other has to be 0. The negative effects of the lesser items will keep one stat down and training, the only way to raise a stat by more than one, can only occur every 2 feeding actions, so unless you take a large hit to loyalty and obedience, which cost even more to fix, you'll be stuck at 0. If you want a powerhouse with no wisdom, go all Jordan greens and dribbling, but if you want strong and smart glass cannon, go Gatorade A.M. plus any training.

Alright, with that done, we have to let it rest overnight and the only way to do that is to go back to our dimension and rest at a campfire or inn. So let's do that now.

Yeah, uh… We gotta… Gotta go back…
Barkley, are you crying?
No, just got some… Some dirt in my eye…
The portal is closing. This is the last we'll see of the BBall Dimension for a long time…

QA Props to Elite & Pierzak