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by Diabetus

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Original Thread: Because I must teach the world that we can conquer fear, I will play Battletoads.




- Google

Ragnarok's Canyon
- Youtube

Wookie Hole
- Google

Turbo Tunnel
- Google

Arctic Caverns
- Google

Surf City
- Google

Karnath's Lair
- Google

The Cartoon
- Youtube (Part I) / Youtube (Part II)

Volkmire's Inferno
- Youtube

Intruder Excluder
- Google

Terra Tubes
- Google

Rat Race
- Google

- Google

The Revolution
- Google

The Finale - Race for Glory

Battletoads Arcade Part I
Battletoads Arcade Part II
Battletoads Arcade Part III
Battletoads Arcade Part IV

Throughout the thread, I'll announce a variety of contests, many of which will be based on your ability to beat the levels in this game. Other contests might include trivia, fan art, avatar design, or a race. At the end of the game, after all contests have been completed, the three people who have successfully completed the most challenges will receive prizes.

Ragnarok's Canyon - High score contest
1st place - Proton Jon with 97,250
2nd place - Argon_Sloth with 97,000
3rd place - Cynoor with 96,250

Wookie's Hole - Extra lives contest
1st and only place - GuidoAnchovies with 11 extra lives

Turbo Tunnel - Don't Die Contest
1st place - Psychedelic Eyeball
2nd place - Argon_Sloth
3rd place - GuidoAnchovies

Arctic Caverns - Don't Get Hit Contest
1st place - Argon_Sloth
2nd place - GuidoAnchovies
3rd place - Proton Jon

Surf City - Beat Big Blag with Headbutts Only and Without Getting Hit Contest
1st place - Proton Jon
2nd place - Psychedelic Eyeball
3rd place - Shiver

Karnath's Lair - Beat the Level the Fastest Contest
1st place - Psychedelic Eyeball with 2:50
2nd place - GuidoAnchovies with 2:54
3rd place - Shiver with 2:58

Volkmire's Inferno - Die the Least Contest - Since all winners died 0 times, top points went to who submitted first
1st place - Proton Jon
2nd place - Argon_Sloth
3rd place - Psychedelic Eyeball

Intruder Excluder - Juggle Robo-Manus Contest
1st place - Psychedelic Eyeball with 16 hits
2nd place - GuidoAnchovies with 10 hits
3rd place - Argon_Sloth with 4 hits

Terra Tubes - Have the Most Hearts at the End of the Level Contest
1st place - Psychedelic Eyeball with 7 hearts
2nd place - Argon_Sloth with 6 hearts

Rat Race - Kill a Rat Contest
1st place - Argon_Sloth
2nd place - Psychedelic Eyeball

Clinger-Winger - Don't Die Contest
1st place - Psychedelic Eyeball

The Revolution - Kill the Dark Queen Without Getting Hit Contest
1st place - Psychedelic Eyeball

Battletoads Racing Contest
Psychedelic Eyeball, GuidoAnchovies, Slowbeef, and CherryDoom

Pairs Contest
1st place - Psychedelic Eyeball and Proton Jon
2nd place - McKain and Wugga

The Leader Board - FINAL SCORES
1: GuidoAnchovies (76 points)
1: Psychedelic Eyeball (76 points)
3: Argon_Sloth (42 points)

4: CherryDoom (39 points)
5: slowbeef (34 points)
6: Raging Boner (24 points)
7: Petoux (20 points)
8: AASman (16 points)
9: Value Town (12 points)
10: CupOTea (10 points)
10: McKain (10 points)
10: Wugga (10 points)
11: blakelmenakle (8 points)
12: Feinne (6 points)
12: Shiver (6 points)
13: Putnopvut (5 points)
14: IroncladTomato (4 points)
15: Commatoes (3 points)
15: cKnoor (3 points)
15: Fermata (3 points)
16: Der Metzgermeister (2 points)
17: Dreylad (1 point)
17: Oyster (1 point)

Battletoads in Battlemaniacs
Captain Novolin
Little Nemo: The Dream Master
The Legend of Zelda: Parallel Worlds

A Little Backstory

I used to be happy. When I look back on those days I almost smile but then I stop myself because if I smiled I'd be happy and that's not allowed since that was in the past.

It's those good ol' days of college and what would otherwise be considered child-like innocence. Not a worry in the world - just going through life, no 8-5, just dicking around and not giving two shits or even one shit. Giving no shits was the mantra of the olden days. Taking shits still happened on occasion though due to natural physiology.

Video games often mirror life. You remember those grand old days of Mario? Stomping goombas was the best. Jumping over pirana plants was easy, and you could even shoot fire and be invincible for brief periods of times. Games like Mario showed us that in the "game" of life, you can have some easy breaks as long as you don't use them to commit arson or use star power to rob banks since that is illegal. Back then, games showed us the pleasures of life while also making sure we knew how to battle the morally gray.

But those happy times changed around the end of the NES's life cycle. A terrorist gaming company named Rare developed their ultimate weapon. A weapon that, in itself, was not violent. It did not exhude poison gas (at least by the end of beta testing), and on the surface it just seemed like a harmless cartridge. It looked just like any of those Mario games that made us so happy as children. Surely this "Battletoads" would also make us happy.

That was far from the case. Sure, the first couple of levels were tame, and the pause music caused thousands of DJs to incorporate it into their funky fresh beats at techno club scenes across the nation. While the game didn't afford gamers invincibility or the ability to shoot fire unless you're riding a pig dragon - and c'mon who rides a pig dragon - it allowed us to maintain our happyness...for those two levels at least...

The release of the SNES that same year caused some attention to divert away from Battletoads, with people focusing on games that continued the tradition of child-like fun.

But Battletoads was not forgotten, not by a long shot.

There was an obsessive man named Kurtz who would always play a game to completion. He never multi-gamed - he was focused. It worked fine at first...until he stumbled upon Battletoads.

He reached Stage 3, the infamous Turbo Tunnel. Kurtz's seclusion grew more and more noticeable. And it only grew worse. No matter how hard he tried, he kept dying at the very end. He hit those pink slabs so much that he swore off meat forever. It became a spiral into his own personal hell. On his 1,000th death, he had a complete mental breakdown. When asked what was wrong, all Kurtz could say was, "The horror...the horror..." to his good friend Joseph Conrad, who came by to visit one day. Conrad was so horrified and touched by Kurtz's tragic tale, that he wrote a book about the ordeal - the now critically acclaimed Heart of Darkness. A common misconception is that Conrad's novel is based on the horrors of war, but deeper research will prove that it is based on Battletoads.

Kurtz's pain exploded a hundred fold after Conrad's book was published. The sheer fear and horror that Battletoads propagated caused an emergency session by Congress, who immediately banned the game from all gaming outlets across the country (this historical event is popularly know as Prohibition).

But the ban soon caused further paranoia in the country. The government knew that the rebellous minded youth in the country would want to play the game. Senator Joseph McCarthy vowed to track down any children playing the game, and anyone in the country showing any dermatological problems were immediately brought into questioning. In Oregon, several people were tried and executed on suspection of performing attempts at beating the level where you ride in a small jet without dying. McCarthy likened their behavior as attempts at witchcraft, which is why the famous trials and executions are known now as the Salem Witch Trials (for playing Battletoads).

While the ban was eventually lifted after Joseph McCarthy was caught repelling down a mountain (people thought he was imitating Level 2 and called him a hypocrite), the game remained popular in other countries. Russia would eventually claim that its top officials were able to beat the game. The U.S. already feared that the Russians might beat them to the moon, but beating them to the Battletoads finale was unheard of. Could they really possess the destructive technology required to beat Battletoads? Russia did not flex their supposedly newfound muscle, but the fear remained. This "Cold War" lasted for several years until Solid Snake infiltrated the Himalyas and discovered a small compound where sweatshop children were being raised to beat the game, but they hadn't gotten past the reservoir level. Worldwide homeostasis had been restored after Snake blew up the compound and a new walking battle tank that was designed based off Rash (the sunglasses actually blinded the pilot so it was pretty easy to destroy).

As you can see, Battletoads has a significant history behind it. It wasn't just a game - it was a controversy, a source of fear, a hell. Back then, you could hardly call it a game so much as political propaganda. But those times are behind us.

I'm here to quell the fear and horror once and for all. In the process, you young ones will understand why the game torn a nation apart, and you'll know why the game almost caused another world war.

I am going to beat Battletoads. Then I will be happy again.




Der Metzgermeister



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Raging Boner






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