Part 98: Alternate Ending #3: A Changing Job MarketAlternate Ending #3: A Changing Job Market
Alright, let's take a gander at another alternate ending, shall we? This one requires Kid to be out of commission post Viper Manor and ditched without an antidote to her poison.
We open a few weeks later with Serge now working at Lisa's Element Shop. I guess he saw one look at the civilization offered by Termina and ditched the back water village of Arni for good.
Lisa's father, better known as Funguy to us, comes out from jerking off in the back room all day while tripping on 'shrooms to hold a chat. I don't think we've ever really gotten a good look at him until now but...yeesh... I thought that mushroom transformation fucked him up a bit more. Turns out he always looked like that. All we did was just add a big mushroom cap to his previously bald ass head.
"Daddy, don't tell me you're going out to gather mushrooms again?"
"Well, now that Serge is helping out, I have a lot of free time on my hands."
"But what about doing the inventory!? You're the one who said there's always work to be done at Element shops!"
"Ya know personally I'm all for this passive approach to operations..."
"Don't worry about it. At my age, you have to live a little. Anyway, you two sure make a great couple. That's one worry off my mind! Hahahahahah!!!"
"Yeah, pops. I just made it to second base. Though, I hope to steal third in the near future."
"No offense, Lisa... But look at your dad's eyes. He's full of enough of those 'shrooms he picks to land him on Jupiter."
"Well, I'm off to Shadow Forest."
"Case in point..."
"Be careful... And come back before dinner!"
Gus leaves to go hunt down some more psychedelic fungi...
"He keeps this up and he's gonna turn into a mushroom."
"I am serious. Mushroomfication is a serious medical condition affecting hundreds of families across El Nido each day."
"Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. That would be retarded."
"Heh. Now you're talkin' my language..."
"Ummm... Excuse me... You have a customer..."
"GAH! WHAT?! We're closed! Come back later!"
"I didn't realize you were here."
"Hmph...! What's so good about Termina anyway...?"
"Hm? Did you say something, Leena? I can't hear you. What happened to your loud, annoying voice?"
"Ya know, I've gotta all natural remedy for that in the back of the shop."
<punch in the arm>
"Is this the kind of merchandise you sell to your customers!?"
"...Leena, it's an Element. That's like saying a rock has gone rotten..."
"Speaking of rotten... There was an awful stink just as you walked in..."
"No, I'm pretty sure the smell is coming from this shop... Coming from your ROTTEN personality!"
"Lisa...are you gonna take that...? I think you should go show her who's boss. Just hold up a sec. I wanna go get the camera."
"Leena... Isn't it time you went home? Alone...all by yourself, with no one to walk you home!!!"
"We also have a special sale on batteries for REPEAT customers. Wouldn't want you to leave empty handed!"
And so Serge never goes on a wacky, convoluted adventure to save some princess that he has never met . Instead, he settles down in Termina, works retail, and bangs the shit out of the cute shop girl. Well, good for him.
But, what becomes of Kid if she is just ditched forever on her death bed...?
Meanwhile, at Viper Manor...
"Why the bloody hell do I have to do this!?"
"Stop complaining, 'Bloody Rose.' A spy must conduct field investigations."
"Since when did I become a spy!? And quit it with the code name stuff!"
"You do not like it? Hmm... Then how about 'Red Scorpion?'"
"That's not the bloody point!"
"Don'tCHA be slackin'! Get back to work!"
"Alright, fine... I'll do it."
Well, there's the solved mystery of Kid's deus ex machina producing benefactor from earlier in the game: it was Norris. Though, of course time should have just reset some and she should have avoided that whole scenario to begin with if later events in the game are to be trusted... But meh...details...
And so Kid is drafted into the Porre intelligence unit and teams up with Norris to help along the vacation. From conquer of the world to someone that will probably get executed for treason. Strange how much difference murdering a princess duct-taped to a pan-dimensional parasite a few hours later will make...
Meanwhile, in Fort Dragonia...
With everyone slacking off on that whole "Stop Lynx from being vaguely an evil dick" thing...it is time for a new brand of heroes to come forth and save the day...
Music: Between Life and Death
...unfortunately, none could be located so we'll have to settle for these chucklefucks...
Solt and Peppor rush out of the elevator. But, Ze Hero Pierre lingers behind...
"This is it! There is no turning back now!"
"Shake it! Pierre!"
"We'll teach you a lesson about General Viper's spice, I mean, spite! Shake it and say your prayers! ...Not that it'll do you any good!
"Monsieur Pierre! Let us be on our way!"
"Actually... Moi seem to have an upset stomach from last night's party at Monsieur Zappa's. It is not a good idea for moi to run..."
"...Are you seriously serious about being a hero?"
Solt and Peppor rush off to press on further into the fortress. Pierre...gingerly steps at the pace of an old woman using a walker after them...
An hour or so later...
"W-What are we don' out here!?"
"Our bodies seem to have passed through the floor just now..."
"Th-This sure is some fort... Huh, Pierre?"
"W-What's shakin', Pierre? You alright? You don't look so well. W-Who knows if there'll be a toilet up ahead! Shake it and hold it in!"
"Moi should be fine... Moi am a hero... I-I'll do mon best..."
"W-We shook out a lot of cash to hire you! You better!!!"
The three approach the door. At least Pierre doesn't seem to have premonitions of gutting Solt....
"We shall leave this up to you, Peppor!"
"Tah ta-tah! Moi say we decide with a game of rock, paper, scissors. That would be appropriate, non?"
"G-Good idea! You're a true hero, alright!"
"It is you, Monsieur Pierre!"
"Ohhhhhh... Moi feel the squirts coming on...!"
Pierre does an overly dramatic routine and collapses on his back to the floor....
"...Ohhh man... Alright, let's shake another game..."
Pierre immediately pops back up...
Welp, that went about as well as you'd imagine...
Music: Fragments of a Dream
And that is three down!