Part 20: Episode XIX: Flashback (Hamilton Residence)

Episode XIX: Flashback (Hamilton Residence)

When last we left our heroine, she'd dicked around doing fetch quests in a boring cave while being chased by something between an angry Spartan and a male stripper. Also, she ended up back in her house, despite it exploding earlier in the stage. With that said, let's continue...


"He died back in 'Nam!"

Alyssa advances further into the house, passing by a few children's toys on the way and a constant baby wailing.


Well, I'm getting the feeling we did actually time travel again. Only, the issue of a unique setting was sidestepped by shoving in the sewer stage's second cousin: the mine stage.

Alyssa heads into the main hall.


The game tosses on a soft focus lighting and blurred edges and flips onto flashback mode...


Which, if this game is going to stay consistent in anything, will hopefully mean a grisly murder is soon to follow.


"Is that you? Where are you?! Mum?! Are you in the door that just magically opened? Mum?! I've gotten over my fear of doors automatically opening! Mum?!"


No silly caption. I just couldn't omit this expression...


"I know you're a newborn and your comprehension skills are just shy of retard who fell down the stairs. But, I feel I should prep you for a lifetime of maundering exposition scenes at an early age."


"It was first found by Elisabeth Gretchen Hamilton in the dark, milky depths of the Forgotten Tomb of the Dread Pirate Captain Archibald Razorgum Crunch."


Too bad there's not a leaf of beauty, because that is one fugly baby. We're approaching pug ugly levels.


"In the form of years horribly traumatic experiences that will take years of counseling to wipe from your shattered mind. But, it's smooth sailing after that, dear."


"In the meantime, I'll split it into pieces and hide them safely away. I couldn't afford elemental themed temples, so I had to opt for mass murder ghosts to keep the pieces safely hidden. You wouldn't believe the property taxes on a Fire Temple these days. Incredible..."

Ugly Baby Alyssa laughs out what a cheesy scene this was.


I'm guessing the latter years of being a Rooder are a bit on the dull side.



"Oh... wait... Damn... Back to crying. Nevermind!"


Nancy returns to mindlessly caring for her Curly Howard-esque bundle of love and completely ignores screaming and a struggle coming from upstairs.


Alyssa rushes to the never before seen or mentioned courtyard balcony and barges in on her grandfather, Dick, kicking the shit out of her father in another bout of his flaring Alzheimer's.


"Living up to my name!"


"I told you to never wear white past Labor Day!"
"But, we're in England. We don't even celebrate that holiday here!"
"Again with that fucking sass!"


"Time to send your Kraut ass back to the Fatherland!"
"Dick, the war's been over for over forty years! I hadn't even been born yet! To make no mention I'm Dutch-Irish!"



Now featured: malicious sentient axes.


"Go tell that to the Führer!"



"You can go Sieg Heil him in hell!"


Meanwhile, the clover pendant enters extra-dimensional space usually reserved for heated courtroom battles.


Unable to handle the crushing force of pan-dimensional prosecution, the pendant shatters and scatters across the four winds.


"You've got red on you!!"


"Have you seen your offspring?! Bald! BALD!! The Rooder blood requires hair! I have hair! Nancy has hair! You have less hair now! But bald! No sir... No! You... You're..."


"No manners! What must a man do not to be interrupted during a bath?!"

Dick storms off.



I'm thinking old Papa Hamilton is having a closed casket service.

Just then!


Since, it wouldn't be a proper murder if there wasn't a bit of retarded cackling at some point. And since he was late to the party, Chopper makes up for it with Matrix style blur effects and acrobatics. Since, I mean, who needs a serious scene in a game like this?


"it was your beloved grandfather who murdered your father!"
"Actually, I was told my father just sort of ambiguously was 'gone' always thought he didn't love me and ran out on me and Mum. Knowing he died actually lifts quite the heavy insecure burden off my shoulders."
"I... But... But you grandfather he... Like... I guess he... I bet he planned the whole thing!"
"That's impossible! It's not true! It was clearly an unfortunate accident. Who leaves and axe unintended at a tree stump? Much less a tree stump in an enclosed courtyard? How would you even cut down a tree there? That doesn't even make sense. I blame mishandling of tools before I'd blame my grandfather."

Alyssa makes a half-hearted attempt to escape.


Long story short, she manages to corner herself on the balcony where Dick and <dad> had their squabble.


But, lucky for her, canned recycled magic girl animations cannot be held upon a balcony and the cutscene overlords teleport her to safety below.


Wait... It's the boss fight already? What happened to that business about having to find an item important to the spirit of the day in order to augment Rooder powers and presumably call forth holy arrows and all that? Since, unless the axe sticking out of Dad's cranium was particularly dear to him, I think we're breaking protocol here.


Seeing him close up, Chopper's pants are even more disturbing... His junk is being held up by suspenders...


Now, Bob I could see just having retard strength and going on a homicidal rampage to off the number of victims he did. Perhaps John was more stealthy in getting to his victims, despite the need for tanks of corrosive liquid and the whole flipping out and beating the shit out of victims thing, before killing them. But, how the fuck does a tattooed-up albino kill 44 people undetected?


If Chopper does nothing else, he does paint a haphazard picture of the follies of unprotected sex.


Do us all a favor, next time, and keep your Blades of Olympus in your pants, chief.


GO FOR BROKE!


Daddy Hamilton was nice enough to remove his corpse from the battle field. That'd be a bit awkward to trip over in-between dodging blades.


Ho-hum. You know how this song and dance goes.

Alyssa charges up for her Fatality technique.


"Kinky."


Eh? We're summoning the ethereal Ion Cannon this time?


Kids these days. They kill off two sub-villains and they think they're John Rambo.



"Damn. You have no idea what a bitch the QTE to avoid that was."


"A hamfisted deus ex machina to shoehorn in the next half of the stage! Hahaha!"


A wavering portal appears beneath Alyssa's feet and sucks her down.


Where's a horned kid with a 2x4 when you need 'em?

Tune in next time for...


GRAVEYARDS!


MORE NARRATED FILES!!


INTERPRETIVE DANCE!!!

Bonus Content:

Family Reunion Flashback
Chopper Defeating Alyssa Cutscene