The Let's Play Archive

Crusader Kings 2

by Thanqol

Part 12: Fat Jesus

"Bloody optimistic, you lot.

"Can't blame you, I guess. Everyone fuckin' was after King Ernst. Well, the tyrant's dead, and it's all up to his incredible daughter to bring harmony and prosperity, am I right? What could possibly go fuckin' wrong?

"Not what, let me make that bloody clear. Who."

"Feast your eyes on this fat fuck, and get used to him. He's responsible for all the shit that happens between now and when I finish this sordid fuckin' ballad of woe. Now, Duke Fucking Mikkel has a commanding position in Denmark. He rules the half that our lot doesn't. Decent sort of bloke in person, except for that bit where he reckons the Lord Jesus Christ speaks to him.

"Personally, I blame Countess Christina from way back when. Ever since she had her little religion thing there's been a goddamn Jesus-botherer in Denmark ever since. This time it just so happened to also be the most powerful man in the country.

"Let's take it from the top, but remember this son of a bitch. Don't let his beady little eyes out of your fuckin' memories."

"Oh yeah, me? Prince Jorgen, nice to meet you all and that. Nothing much special about me, I just like talking to fine folk like yourselves who reckon starting a big ol' civil war is our best move immediately upon taking a crown."

"So let's take it from the top. The Duchess starts consolidating her power straight away, as you do, raising taxes and suchwith."

"And Duke Disappointment instantly starts fuckin' scheming against her."

"Queen Rikissa doesn't care, and sends her chancellor to Duke Fucking Mikkel's territory. Duke Fucking Mikkel sends him back in a pine box with this three page long apology letter to the poor bastard's family, explaining the delicate political situation in the realm and how the murdered son of a bitch was working to destabilise it. He includes gifts for the family, including a fucking pension."

"So then Mother appoints him chancellor and sets him to fabricating claims on his own damn territory, which he goes about doing with this calm, self-satisfied air. The Queen doesn't exactly trust him do do a good job framing himself, though, so she starts looking into alternatives. I took over from him in the fabricating business once I came of age. He gave me -tips-."

"From a barricaded house in the country. Smallpox was all over fuckin' Denmark, you could see the funeral pyre smoke for miles."

"Mom wasn't bothered though. She had her birds, and she fucking -loved- her birds. She was disappointed when the plague was over and she had to go back and be a ruler again."

"Amongst the many, many plague victims was the King of Sweden. Decent news, because the bloke had claims on our land and was pretty respectable all told."

"His successor was a fat, lazy piece of shit. Mom considered making a move, but it turned out he had this weirdly universal support amongst his most powerful Dukes.

"Mom asked around, and found out that this was because half the goddamn nobility of Sweden were homosexuals. I'm not joking, it was like some kind of royal viking fetish party. She decided to lay off."

"So motherfucking Prince Mikkel starts running his mouth about a fair and balanced tax law to bring harmony to the realm. Mother shuts him down in the hopes he'll revolt, but he doesn't, he just waddles back home with a serene smile on his face."

"I'm *sure* the bastard was angry, but he never showed it. He certainly never gave Mother the excuse she was looking for."

"So mom starts a scheme, trying to frame Duke Mikkel and revoke his titles. Invites three quarters of the nobility to the goddamn plot. The difference between court and plot scheming was five people leaving the room."

"But on the other end of the organised plot spectrum, Duke Disappointment was making the ill-advised motion of scheming against mother dearest."

"This ended as you might expect."

"So she kicks him down and sends him on his way, and he goes off swearing vengeance but the truth is we never hear from him again and aren't poorer for it."

"Couple weeks later, Dad goes into a coma. Doesn't last long before he's gone altogether."

"Good move. He got out of the station right before the crazy train hit it."

"Mom holds with tradition by marrying the smartest commoner she can find."

"And then she sets in motion her next scheme to deal with Duke Fucking Mikkel. She decides to butter up the Pope first off, right?"

"Donates all these holy treasures left over from Countess Christina's reign to the Vatican. This is all as a backup if her traditional scheming fails, though. Mother thought ahead even if the gods of chance didn't much like her."

"She had four concurrent plans. One, piss off Duke Fucking Mikkel so bad he'd revolt. She even named him Court Jester in an attempt to humiliate him. Duke Fucking Mikkel didn't so much as frown, though, and he took the opportunity to play with the court's children and teach them about Jesus. Motherfucker."

"Mother, not wanting to let him even have that win, ordered the entire court to spend more time at church so she'd appear more holy than him. Seemed like a bit of a petty move, to be honest, because Duke Fucking Mikkel didn't seem to mind.

"The second plan was me fabricating claims, but that takes time. So mother skipped right to plan three:"

"Present the court with Duke Fucking Mikkel's fabricated treason!"

"This was when things started to get proper absurd. Duke Fucking Mikkel sits down in court and calmly and clearly goes through every fucking alibi he had for every moment he was supposed to be out betraying the Crown, and he's so calm and serene that eventually the Queen just gives up. Duke Fucking Mikkel didn't even get worked up about where the fake evidence came from."

"So master plan four was to get the Pope to straight up excommunicate the fuck."

"Mother was in good with the Pope, so Bam! It happens! Casus Belli at last!"

"Duke Fucking Mikkel has been listening hard to Jesus, and he was basically holier than the Pope at this point, making this entire thing a fucking farce."

"So Mom sends the marshal to arrest Duke Fucking Mikkel, but he apparently headbutted the guy and ran over four miles in the freezing snow with the dogs at his heels and jumped into the winter ocean, where he swam back to his capital and raised an army."

"But even that fucking act of heroism wasn't enough; we had the numbers and we were going to win that fight.

"But guess what? Guess ~what~?"

"Surprise, assholes! The King of Norway decided that civil war meant it was go time. And while a fully prepared Denmark would be able to steamroll the Norwegians, with the brutal resistance Duke Fucking Mikkel was putting up it didn't look like there would be any chance.

"But mom didn't withdraw to focus on raising mercs and dealing with the Norwegians as they were landing, which would probably have won us the war. Instead she grabbed her spear and lead her army after Duke Fucking Mikkel, swearing to kill the motherfucker even if it was the last thing she did.

"God, that was fucking ironic.

"So we chase down Duke Fucking Mikkel over land and sea and eventually corner his army and force an engagement. Mother takes the lead and fights her way through lines and lines of troops, screaming out Duke Fucking Mikkel's name. Sure enough, he comes forwards and gallantly accepts her offer of a formal duel.

"So there was Queen Rikissia, genius schemer, against Duke Fucking Mikkel, fat Jesus. Rikissia was wearing a suit of custom-designed full plate armour and using a halberd she'd designed herself. Duke Fucking Mikkel had a wooden club that looked a lot like a fence post.

"They went at it. It was clear mother had the advantage with her reach and training. Duke Fucking Mikkel was dodging, dodging. His shield splintered and broke.

"Then Queen Rikissia swung a massive, two-handed overhead swing. And rather than dodge, Duke Fucking Mikkel stepped right into it."

"WHAM! Duke Fucking Mikkel's arm nearly comes off, halberd buried to the shaft in his body.

"And he steps forwards, impossibly, dragging that massive pole-axe with him, and smashes Queen Rikissa right in the face with his wooden club."

"She goes down, drooling and invalid, genius brain leaking out her ears."

"Her entire reign was a joke, that was the punchline. After that there was nothing left but waiting for the audience to stop clapping and hooting."

"So went the crown~"

"And soon after, there went Queen Rikkissa herself.

"I can scarcely believe it, even now. The Hvide line finally rises to power, only to be brought down by fat Jesus. And the most ironic part is that we're the motherfuckers who put him on the throne in the first place - first with Countess Christina's revolt, and secondly with King Ernst's arbitrary imprisonment of his uncle making sure no other heirs would be created, ensuring he'd inherit the Bornholm estates.

"I don't really know the situation in Denmark, and won't until the dust of the current conflict settles. But god damn. Duke Fucking Mikkel."

i am genuinely amazed that Duke Fucking Mikkel and Queen Rikissa died in the same battle after everything that happened. i couldnt have planned that shit better if i tried.