The Let's Play Archive

Crusader Kings 2

by Thanqol

Part 13: Poetry Slam

because our character has the 'poet' trait, this update shall be told in the format of a rap battle.

King Magnus:

"Yo, what's up? They call me the Good -
Just and kind and straight from the hood,
I whupped yo momma and I took yo crown
Aw, there there baby, try not to frown,"

"'cause kingdoms are hard, and now I'm running two,
So I need a Chancellor, Jorgen - I choose you!
Be straight. Be real. Admit that you lost
So get down on your knees and hail to the boss."

Duke Jorgen:

"They call you the Good, but I'm a Hvide,
And in Denmark's Elective I will survive.
Nobody likes you, you arrogant bitch!
Your reign is but a momentary hitch.

I got the support. You can get blown
And when you're gone I'll get the crown."

"But right now Denmark's finishing it's civil war
And the Pope's a'planning to even the score
I've had enough of Norway's head clown
Clean up the mess while I'm out of town."

Pope Anacletus:

"Hear me, noble Crusaders of Christianity
The Devil lives in Turkey and his name is Mashird
I have heard the words of the Holy Divinity
Not even Christian Pigs shall the Muslim Sultan herd!

There is a house known as Constantinople
Where lives the last son of Caesar's line
While his rites are wrong his heart is noble
I command thee to go and aid him in his strife!


What land are all these foolish Crusaders from?
They play blindly to my brilliant scheme
For I seek the conquest of all of Byzantium
And an end to the Orthodox schism!

When the Crusaders arrive, they will be greeted by force
And when they conquer the Christians I will have no remorse!"

"And may God be with you, warriors of Christ. Amen."

King Magnus:

"Yo bitches, you forget about the Good?
I want to be sure I'm clearly understood:
This isn't a tax raise. I'm lowering them instead!
I'm undoing the work of Rikissa, thank the Christ she's dead."

"I won the war and ended the fail,
Fat Jesus' daughter is safely in jail -

"Denmark's independence is a thing of the past
The reign of Norway is built to last."

"Get me a refill."

Duke Jorgen:

"I am here at last, before me: Greece
And the lands of Hellas where Emperors walked
I shall lift the Cross with my hands and my soul
Courage and Mercy I shall show to all
And in the fires of holy war I shall be reforged
Dues Vult, let the infidels tremble

I grip my blade and my hands tremble
What madness grips the land of Greece?
From a Duke to a Crusader I was reforged
Across all of Germany I have walked
And those I am fighting are Christians, all
Dear God, please save my Catholic soul!

Soaked in baptised blood, one and all
From Christians to killers we have been reforged
What sin have we wrought on humble Greece?
I came to show piety and have now lost my soul
The emperor marches against me, and I tremble
I turned the men, and north we walked.

The Pope sends his blessing, names me reforged
And remission of sin has been granted to my soul
So around we turned, and back our host walked
Towards the Emperor's teeth, and though we did tremble
It was true: This Crusade was to claim sinner Greece
And we would stand and fight, and fight them all

We turned and fought, we fought them all
We fought for a Church and Greece reforged
Against us stood all of Church and Greece
Though it was six to one, I trusted in my soul
Though it was six to one, our enemies did tremble
But it was six to one, and from the field, broken we walked

Away from Greece our host walked
Of three thousand, us thirty were all
Against ten thousand we did not tremble
And in that war we were reforged
What war could grant peace and salvation to the soul?
No war that could be found in Greece."

Pope Anacletus:

"My foes did tremble and my church was reforged
Though my Crusaders walked and failure was shared by all
The soul of Byzantium was broken, and before long Greece shall Fall."

King Magnus:

"Sup, Jorgy? I took the time to take your advice
And made sure your balls are properly viced
Denmark's a gavelkind. Elective is out.
As is the hopes of Hvide, beyond a shadow of doubt."

Duke Jorgen:

"Bitch, listen up and listen to me close
You're a mongrel and your rhymes are verbose
I'm a poet, I'm hot stuff, diplomacy at twenty-three
Which is how long it'll take to forget you've ever been."

King Magnus:

"You're a poet? Guess what - I am too,
They call me Good at that, dunno 'bout you.
Your lyrics are sad and your prestige a joke
Maybe your face wasn't all the Crusade broke!"

"You're a bitch! And whipped! You're owned by your woman,
Makes sense - mommy's boy you always were, man.
But mommy's dead now and I'm still on top
All you can serve is lyrical slop."

Duke Jorgen:

"You think you're Good? Guess what's bad?
The lardass kid who calls you 'dad'
He'll take over when you are through
And then Hvide will make it's move."

King Magnus:

"'cause your spawn is so much better at ruling?
Can't count to ten without repeatedly yawning.
I advise him to bring it. My kid will kick his ass
And he'll still be king long after you've passed."

Duke Jorgen:

"God damn it, I need help if I'm going to defeat this bitch -"


"Kid, you need help to get out of this ditch."


"The fuck is this? The fuck are you?"


"I'm to help you take Magnus to school."

"We're going to attack the Good where it hurts - with the Great
Take his name away from him and he'll make a mistake.
He's puffed up like a pillow, just gotta jab him with a pin
And then that's your cue to take it away and win."

Duke Jorgen:

"Yo Magnus! You want us to call you 'the Great'?
You've gone and made yourself an awful mistake,
You've got a thousand less prestige than when I saw you last
And maybe now - uh... wait, what? A thousand less prestige? That's an awfully specific number -"

King Magnus:

"Primo-geni-TURE, bitch! The oldest son inherits!
None of this bitching around with equality or merits.
I kicked yo momma's ass to put these crowns together
And together they gonna stay, for ever and ever"

Duke Jorgen:

"Yeah, that's nice, all power to the shitbag,
But I got better things to talk 'bout than that slag
See, when we were hunting a vision came to me
And it told me all about what I was supposed to be."

King Magnus:

"The fuck do you think you are, talking to me that way?
You're done, kid. You're fired. You're replaced by my bey.
Glitterhoof taught me about how friendship equals magic
But friendship with lameasses isn't friendship - it's tragic."

Duke Jorgen:

"Here's the thing, Magnus, that you never understood,
When you were so proud that people chose to call you 'good'
Because they say that good is the enemy of the great
They call me the Holy, bitch, and that should set the record straight."

"We out."

- 2 counties, 2 baronies
- 7 vassals
- 50 years of economic prosperity and a huge buildup of wealth and treasure. 400 gold banked/+12 per month