MotC chose a good time to suggest; I just watched the Labyrinth last night.
Let's see if some awesome can't seep into our poor hapless hero.
Okay, we're looking at a sophisticated computer system inside of a filthy cave. Things are starting off normal enough.
The lights are flashing bright and soft. It's starting to get really bright -
GOD MY EYES JESUS
Mercifully, the light dies down. The lined door opens -
And out pops Bowie, our futuristic and confused looking hero. You can tell he's futuristic because he's
Then the door slams shut, kicking Bowie the hell out.
 The fuck is this?
Bowie exits the future cave, and in a move of awesome, he explodes the mountain wall. Because he can.
The dude in green somehow manages to form himself into a crescent moon and screams his thoughts.
Then he runs like a bitch into town.
Welcome to Leaf, the most boring town on the face of the earth. This is the Arlia, the Narshe, the Fisherman's Wharf. A couple of homes, a few shops and an inn. That's about it. Enjoy your stay.
Naturally, Bowie didn't expect to find a town here; he'd been locked in the computer cave for 100 years. He went up to the first person he met and requested information about the town. The first person he met was a five year old girl.
Bowie was unimpressed. He searched around the hovel, looking for the circus performer he'd met outside the cave. He finally found him on the other side of town, shaking uncontrollably due to Bowie's pyrotechnics.
 Oh, that's oka-
Our hero wandered to another house, where he met an old lady in a house nearby. He hoped to get some more information about where the hell he was and what his purpose was for existing.
She didn't answer his questions, but he did give him a cool $100.
 Wow, than-
 ...God damn, what is wrong with you people?
Other people around the town were not any more helpful. Exasperated, he ducked into a small barn...
Gratefully that the resident couldn't talk back.
After a few calming minutes, Bowie stepped into another home, which boldly had the letters "ELDER" written on the doorframe.
The child nearby spoke up first, giving information that seemed completely irrelevant and a waste of his time. Kids.
 Actually, yeah, I was wondering -
 That's great, but -
 I - wait, sword? Okay.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Crystalis system, it's remarkably simple to fight. There's the standard thrust attack:
And if you hold down the attack button, you get some wacky energy to surround you:
That gets released when you let go of the button.
As the sword powers up, we get bigger and badder bolts of power when we charge up. But that's a ways down the road. For now, let's spend the money that that old bitch gave us.
The tool shop. I contemplate spending money on the alarm flute -
which I'll need later, but I decide against it. The tool shop gets no money yet. Instead, we're going to go next door to the armor shop...
And buy armor. It spent all of my bitchmoney, but it'll be worth it once we get on the field. Finally, I can leave this shitty - oh wait, missed someone.
 Actually, ye-
 Okay that's it fuck this town. I hope you all get your asses kicked by whatever it is I'm here to fight, because I'm sure as shit not saving you.
Now, we're on our way to the fields -
- armor and sword at ready.
Behold, the wild and untamed wilderness.
Bowie finally finds something he can take out his aggression on.
 DIE CONTORTIONING FREAK
 DIE DIE DIE
Bowie's aggression is rewarded with cash. Death is profitable!
 oh shit tiger creatures.
 ALL WILL FALL BEFORE BOWIE.
Finally, Bowie finds himself at a cave. Cleaning the Sword of Wind, he vaguely remembed someone talking about a cave to the west, but he hadn't been paying much attention. He shrugged and rushed into the darkness.
Next time: Toot on my Alarm Flute!