Part 47

I, Professor Bling, Last Sane Dwarf of the West, have composed a four-part orchestra for a twenty-trumpet band.

I have christened it "The Life of Headshoots."

Part One is an upbeat, jazzy, 30-minute long orgasm of delightful trumpet melodies. It is named "Construction of the Adamantine Wonder," and it tells the story, in music, of my triumphant manufacture of our fort's first legendary artifact.

Part Two is slower, more sublime, almost saddened. Very legato, with a smooth-flowing melody and separate interlocking harmonies, it will (when performed) last nearly an hour. It is called "The Discovery," and encapsulates the fort's emotional toil after its first hardships.

Part Three is an experimental piece, with large amounts of off-tune staccato notes blared loudly and off-tempo, and lasts for only ten minutes. It is a musical retelling of the fall and divison of Headshoots from a prosperous fort into the depths of Communism and decay, and I have named it "Abandonment." I describe it as a sound-for-sound reproduction of our battle with the demons.

Part Four is short, very short, lasting all of maybe twenty seconds. Each trumpet player chooses one dwarf in the audience, and throws his instrument at that dwarf as hard as he can, aiming to cause the most damage possible. I have decided to name this piece "YOU GODDAMN COMMIES ABANDONING ME TO MY FATE FOR ARMOK'S SAKE ONE DWARF COULD SUPPORT ME WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY YOU SELFISH BASTARDS."




I anticipate it will be a rousing success on the classical circuit.