Part 6: You thought I was a... bear?Last time on LPFFVIA, we met a man in a bar.
Guess we'd better steer clear of him.
That man turned out to be the Goddamn Batman, or Batman for short.
While you can encounter and name Batman here, which means he's probably going to join us at some point, he's too busy drinking...
...without removing his mask to consider working with us right now. Guess we'll be seeing more of him later.
I think that's all there is to see here, so: bird time. The man behind the counter will also explain how to drive a chocobo, but you don't need to know that because I'm the one playing the game. Thus:
AUDIO: Techno de Chocobo
The chocobo theme is unfortunately nowhere near as good as the overworld theme, but riding the bird removes the random encounters on the world map, which is very nice even when the destination is only a short while away, as it is here.
Welcome to Mt. Kolts.
Mt. Kolts is a goddamn cocktease.
Still, once the party actually gets to where they can open that chest, it holds a pretty nice piece of equipment for Indy - probably nicer than he deserves, actually. He never got to kill anyone with his twice-discarded mythril sword, but I guess I shouldn't complain too much about that.
Along with the gear I bought in town, I also got a couple of new tools for Tim. The first one is Noiseblaster, which confuses all enemies and holy shit is that awesome.
Bioblaster deals poison damage and inflicts poison - at least when you use it against enemies that don't absorb poison damage, such as oh, say, these.
Tim is kind of ridiculously good at this point. Autocrossbow deals more damage to all enemies than anyone in the party can currently hit for with their physical attack (though Tim himself gets close with that spear Indy stole a few updates back). Noiseblaster can lock up entire groups of enemies, and while they will knock themselves out of confusion as they keep hitting themselves, this is still extremely useful since they keep hitting themselves.
Aeris could do pretty well on her own as well, but her skills run off MP and she's screwed when it runs out, as it tends to do pretty quickly this early on.
Indy is mostly dead weight, though here he actually managed to do something useful. These enemies only have one item, in the "rare" slot, and honestly, it's not worth it.
Aeris is still rather squishy, though, so I suppose she's glad for even the smallest boosts to defence.
As we climb Mt. Kolts, we'll sometimes see a dark shadow lurking about... but no one comments.
There's a lot of encounters up here, and it's rather a pain. Noiseblaster makes everything better, though.
The most interesting thing about these guys is that the birds can cast Break, which causes petrification. Hilarious when they use it on their friends; less amusing when you're the victim.
We also pick up our first tent in here. When used on a save spot, or in the field, it fully heals all party members. Handy!
I'm not sure this is safe.
Or this, but at least it gives us a nice view of the... uh... blobs.
Here's a save spot and why do I feel like I'm forgetting something...?
(3742 random encounters later)
God damn it, every. Fucking. Time.
It goes on Aeris because she's not Indy.
All right, now we can use the save spot. Since Aeris' healing is what's keeping us alive up here, and she's running low on MP, I'm pitching that tent we found to recover it.
The path on the other side of that cave is a huge spiral that's full of enemies, and in the middle is a weird guy.
Weird guy is an asshole.
As you can see.
It doesn't actually do HP damage, though, and so the team quickly picks themselves off the ground.
Matt? Is he here?
Note that Aeris is the last to rise because she is a girl in a jrpg and therefore a wuss.
And if I was?
Hmph. Well, it doesn't really matter who you are. I've got no plans to surrender.
Woe is the day you met me... it'll be the last day of your lives!
Vargas is kind of a mix between , , and and he's getting his face pounded.
...wait, he has bears? FUCK.
While the bears are standing, we can't hurt Vargas, but he can hurt us, as he shows here, with the Gale Cut technique. It's probably the most threatening attack in this fight; it hits the entire party for 40-50 damage. Aeris easily out-heals that, though, and with freshly restored MP, it really shouldn't be a problem.
The bears have hi-potions, so it's probably worth nabbing those before roasting them.
Oh, just you wait.
Vargas has a potion as a common steal. I got the rare on my first try. It appears stealing these from the random enemy earlier on was a waste of time.
I'll send you all to the great beyond!
Once you cause some 720 points of damage to Vargas (which shouldn't take long), he starts talking again. But suddenly, someone shouts from off-screen...
AUDIO: The Unforgiven
That's enough, Vargas!
...and Matt comes jumping in!
Why did you kill Master Duncan?
How could you kill your own father!?
He chose you as his successor!
That's not true! Our master-
It's true and you know it!
It's written in that ugly sneer across your face!
He wanted you to be his successor,
not me! He knew you had the most potential...
I'm sick of listening to your lies!
I've got far more than just potential!
Why don't you see for yourself?
He huffs and he puffs...
...and blows the three little piggies' houses down!
Of course, Matt is built like a concrete bunker and the wind isn't going to carry him very far no matter how hard it blows.
My father was right to see so much in you!
(I like to imagine all this dialogue being horribly dubbed.)
I guess there's no avoiding this...
(Matt probably sounds like a surfer dude or something.)
Fate made us train together,
and now fate will send you to your doom!
no, wait, wrong game.
He hits Matt with "Doom Fist", which starts a countdown over his head. If it runs out, Matt dies.
This is not going to happen because Vargas sucks.
Get ready to join your beloved master!
How about no.
Why hold back, Matt?
Your time's almost up!
I don't think he quite comprehends how fucked he is.
Let's do something about that.
One Aura Cannon later, he still doesn't get it. Matt is going to have to punch even harder!
I need to use a blitz technique,
like the master taught me...
This makes very little sense after using nothing but blitzes to get this far, but...
...the game isn't going to let a perfect opportunity to subject us to more tutorials pass by!
Tutorial: How to use "Blitz":
a. Choose "Blitz" and press the A Button.
2. When the cursor appears, enter the command for your technique.
4. Finally, press th A Button to perform the technique.
5. If you make a mistake, nothing will happen. Be careful!
Oh, but wait, in case you didn't quite get it:
...then press the A Button!
L, R, L, A causes Matt to use a skill...
...straight out of "Fist of the North Star" and pulverize Vargas' kneecaps.
"You're already dead."
Naturally, this gets his attention.
If only you hadn't been so consumed by pride...
Still, Vargas uses the "escape" animation, not the "death" animation, so maybe he'll show up again later!
Anyway, that was a boring battle full of words, so...
VIDEO: Matt versus Vargas: A dramatic rendition
Yes, moving on.
You're his twin brother!?
...this makes considerably more sense than the SNES version.
You thought I was a... bear?
I guess I'll, uh... take that as a compliment!
I like Matt.
Anyway... Tim, what are you doing here?
We're on our way to the Sabre Mountains.
To the Returner hideout, no doubt?
I've been watching from a distance, hoping the world would come to its sense.
The way things were going, I was afraid Figaro would end up as a puppet state.
A means of striking back has presented itself.
"He means me."
"Ssh. This is man talk."
There will be no more playing lapdog to the Empire... I'm through with that act.
Think a "bear" like me could be of any help?
Matt is the best.
You'd join us?
Well then, let's get going!
And so he joins the party without proper introductions or anything. Some ladies' man Tim turned out to be!
Matt is a "monk" and in JRPG land that means he punches things really hard. He's also the reason I grabbed those claws.
His special command is Blitz, and all the skills are free of charge but require a Street Fighter-esque input in order to pull off. Like the tutorial says: select Blitz, then input the command for the technique you want to use, then hit A again.
What it doesn't tell you is that you don't have to press the diagonals, but can simply replace them with the last "straight" direction. This is helpful for anyone who sucks at fighting games, or just plays the game on a keyboard. Instead of D, DF, F for Aurabolt, you can simply press D, D, F, and it will work just as well. A technique that requires B, DB, D, DF, F can be pulled off with B, B, D, D, F. And so on.
Also, there's no timer, so you can input the commands as quickly or as slowly as you like, so it's really much more forgiving than a real-time game with similar commands.
Matt is the best damn character.
There's another tent in the cave Vargas was guarding, and that's really all for this dungeon.
The exit is a couple of steps away, and a short while north is our destination.
A large sign tells anyone who cares to look that it's the Returner Hideout...
...but a closer look at this place is going to have to wait until the next episode.
Matt Rene Figaro
Hates: Nut-Eaters (a weak type of monster)
Hobby: His martial arts training