Part 5: Episode IV: Of Elves and Goatees
Episode IV: Of Elves and Goatees
You know how there was a barrage of missiles about to slam into Vincent's face?
Yeah. They don't really bother animating him evading those. So, cutscene Vincent can shoot ridiculously fast, doesn't need to reload, can jump hundreds of feet in the air, and can eat a dozen missiles slamming into his forehead.
I just feel a bit shortchanged when we get back to gameplay, is all.
Alright, then. We have our first (mid)boss battle - The Dragonfly. I'd say the only thing this has above normal soldiers is the fact it has about ten times the hitpoints.
Fortunately, the new Manhood Compensator™ Long Barrel attachment allows not only more damage to be dealt, but enough range to just stand at the starting position and plink away at the thing. It's entirely possible to take the Dragonfly down before it even has a chance to attack, as it takes a very broad swoop around the perimeter of the town before doubling back to attack. But, that wouldn't be very sportsmanlike, would it?
As far as the chopper's actual attacking abilities go, they are...limited, to say the least. You know how it fired off a dozen missiles before? Yeah, I guess it blew its load and now it has to conserve ammo. As such, it fires exactly one extremely slow, easily shot down missile at a time now.
The Dragonfly also can do a strafe run and spray gatling gun fire at Vincent. But, when I say spray I really mean spray. It just sort of randomly pelts the area with bullets that do a whopping 5 HP of damage. In addition, the underside of the helicopter is its weakest area, so doing a gun run is actually good for Vincent...assuming he didn't shoot the thing down in the first ten seconds, of course.
After doing a significant amount of damage, the chopper drops off about a dozen soldiers to aid in combat. Vincent decides to patiently wait about while they repel from the aircraft and do a dramatic pose. Though, I can't really blame the guy, considering their tactical positions.
The Deepground soldiers all had the bright idea of clustering around exploding barrels for their counteroffensive. The results are less than successful.
I regret to inform you all that weapon customizations do no show up in cutscenes. Sorry, no ten foot barrels blasting away foes for you.
"Farewell, traveler... May we meet in another lifetime." "You're not dead, are you...?"
"NEIN!" "The underworld calls out to your-"
"NOT WHAT I MEANT ABOUT FILLING MY DARK SOUL WITH LIGHT!"Elsewhere...
I don't know about you guys, but I know I like my villains prepubescent and wearing a cyber-fishbowl.
"We've found you. Hopefully we won't lose you again like we did twenty minutes ago..." 
Ah. Glowing eyes. You know what would just blow my mind if it happened at some point? Someone with glowing hair. Maybe extra spiky in nature. Though, I'm sure that's just a pipedream in this game.
"Yes."
"Are you sure? He looks nothing like Keanu Reeves." Meanwhile...
Vincent has since taken shelter inside a nearby office building... school... I don't know. The important thing is that by closing a door behind him, after jumping into a random building, he has caused the chopper to completely give-up its assault.
A bit further into the building, Vincent finds yet another weapon upgrade - the short barrel.
Yeah... It's a bit less impressive than the previous upgrade. Though, it does prove to be useful in a moment...sort of... :flacid:
We'll get the final upgrade of the stage in the next update and I'll finally go over the customization system. I know you're all beside yourselves in anticipation.
Vincent heads upstairs...
It seems Vinnie has stumbled upon the enemy's nefarious barrel and crate stockpile - the monsters...
Before having a chance to do away with the horrors of wooden containers, a nearby wall smashing open interrupts the proceedings.
So, I hear the Blood Elves got a real stat buff in the latest patch.
"Tell us where it is." "Protomateria? All I have is this dinky Fire Materia I found in an alley. Is it some rare model I'm unaware of?" "That's not it." "Oh... What were we talking about, again?"
"Excuse me?"
"Now, you three clearly weren't there a second ago. Are you sure you all are even in the right game? I know I don't get out much, but I'm not following any of this."
There are no more words to be spoken. Instead, a dozen soldiers pouring out of the nearby wall are to be dealt with. Since, shooting them has been so fun, thus far. Surely, doing it at point blank range with no room to maneuver will be doubly so.
Unfortunately, taking a crack at the bruiser and the kid is not an option. Non-linearity in a game? What kind of crazy talk are you speaking?
After slaughtering over a dozen grunts one at a time like a kung fu movie with guns...
"I shot at you at least five times and killed all of your men. Only now you bother to face me? Are you sure that's wise? I do have a gun and we are, in fact, in a cutscene. I've seen how this goes down in the past."
Before the Juggernaut Elf and Vincent can tango, the little girl decides now would be a good time to pass out.
"..." "..." "..." "..." "...Was that supposed to hap-" "No." "Well, is she alright?" "Yes, yes. Look just... Shit..."
"Excuse me?" "Look just... Ugh... You know what, we'll do this another time, alright?"
"Just be quiet. I'm trying to save face here!"
"God, that is the last time I ever partner up with someone with narcolepsy. That guy's never going to take me seriously now. I hope you're happy." "..." "What just happened...?"Azul and the child wander off. A new pair rush into the room behind as they leave...
"Are you alright? You look slightly less melancholy and mopey than usual."
"I will concede your mullet is fantastic, as always."
"After a long deliberation, I went with the really retarded one."
"I don't know. The large one called himself Azul. The smaller one just fainted after rambling briefly about some unexplained plot point. It was all very peculiar." "Azul the Cerulean? Of the Tsviets!?" "The Soviets?!" "No, the Tsviets." "Oh... Should I be familiar with that term...? Or this Azul the Cerulean? Wait, just a moment... His name is Blue the Blue? Reeve, what game are you playing? That's just silly." "This is no game, Vincent. If they're here... Then that could only mean..." "Yes...?" "That I'm about to be interrupted by some unrelated third party."
"Told ya."
It seems the Deepground troops are finally bothering to see what became of Vincent. After the chopper attack failed... And the wave of troops lead by the commanding officer failed... Third time's the charm, I suppose.
"WRO troops have arrived and commenced rescue operations. We could use your help, Vincent." "Who has arrived, now...?" "The WRO troops. My paramilitary organization dedicated to rebuilding the planet." "...I don't ever remember hearing about that." "Why, Sellers right here is a member of the force."
"Hiyah." "Are you...wearing a beanie as part of your uniform...? Reeve... I want you to be honest with me, here." "Yes, Vincent?" "Has the darkness finally taken me...? Am I just in a really bad fanfic...?"
"I was perfectly fine just being a bit optional character long since forgotten. There's no need to drum up the past now." <snort> "You should have done that before appearing in Ehrgeiz." "You just had to bring that up, didn't you? You just couldn't resist? My soul has enough of a burden upon it. Ehrgeiz or no. I want out."
"Yes, and Advent Children was two years ago. I didn't see you fighting in that one." "I was there!" "Controlling a talking robot cat does not qualify as 'being there'. I would say we are even. Now I'll be on my way, Reeve."
Oh shi-
Special Feature:
Tetsuya Nomura
Some of you may know this name well. For those that do not, Nomura is chief character designer for Final Fantasy VII. He's also been the designer for the characters of Final Fantasy VIII, X, and the upcoming clusterfuck of Final Fantasy XIII games. Beyond that, he has done work on the Kingdom Hearts series, the Bouncer, Parasite Eve, and several others. For those unfamiliar with his designs.
This is a man who fucking loves belts and zippers in his design.
Now, the guy hasn't always done terrible work. Final Fantasy VII and VIII had some rather iconic designs done by his hand. However, the man more or less blew his load early in his video game designer career.
The result is characters designs looking...
Slightly...
Similar... At times. Then there's just flat out goofy ass designs, which seem to be the name of the game with Dirge of Cerberus. To begin, we'll start out with a less offensive one on a segment I like to call:
Today we'll be discussing the redesign of Reeve Tuesti (he has a last name now).
Originally, Reeve, like most of the Shinra staff, were the most sensibly dressed characters in the game. His Final Fantasy VII incarnation was just a guy in a blue suit with possibly a clipping artifact or a goatee.
The Reeve of Dirge of Cerberus gets a nice, healthy, Nomura zipper/straprific redesign. Gone is his blue suit. Now is is replaced by some manner of oversized blue trenchcoat with shoulder pads held together by a multitude of straps and buttons. Indeed, Reeve has certainly gone up in the world.
Of particular note, we have the central zipper of the whole outfit. A zipper that unzips in reverse - going from top to bottom. Since a normal zipper just wouldn't be fantasy enough.
In closing, Reeve has big-ass feet.
Tune in Next Time For:
Scottish Accents!
Machine Guns!!
Rematches!!!
Bonus Movies:
The Dragonfly Attacks
A Girl in Dire Need of Some Eyedrops
Heil...Some Guy!
Meeting Reeve. Saying Goodbye to Reeve
Cutscenes Present: 5
Total Cutscenes: 15