Part 7: Act VII: Sleeping Beauty

Act VII: Sleeping Beauty

The Story Thus Far:

Golgo's traced his enemies to Brazil with the help of Fixer agent, Maria Lovelette.

His nightmares (and all of ours) are about to begin.

The LP So Far:

If you make it through Act 7, you're likely to complete the game. This is far and away the most frustrating part. It took me three, yes three, video sessions to complete it. I split this up into four parts, because there's different series of guests. So without further ado....

Part 1
With Lava Lamp Goddess, Diabetus, Scarboy, and me.






Lava Lamp Goddess: "Fangbacks"
Slowbeef: What?
Diabetus: Fangbacks....?


Even Golgo thinks that's a ridiculous name. In World War 2, that was the Nazi version of Starbucks, FYI. In German, it's "Das Fangbacks."



Scarboy: It's "Cassandrag."


Slowbeef: Hey, yeah, we left Greece without the M16.
Krakhan: "It better be my M16."



Part 2
With Slowbeef!

I didn't VLP this part because I was so glad to be done with Act 6, I stopped recording. Unfortunately, the stage select skipped this part, so it wasn't present in the previous thread. What did you miss?

The streets of Brazil!


Nighttime!


Pan N Zoom modes!


Innocent bystanders who give no information!


And the Fangbacks building!

The stage select does take you inside, so...

Part 3
With Psychedelic Eyeball, Maxwell Adams, Sinix, Krakhan, Cymoril (who says one thing in this whole video), and me!



Psychedelic Eyeball: Oh no, midget!





Slowbeef: What?!
Sinix: Oh no, a maze!
Psychedelic Eyeball: Oh fuck!
Krakhan: Uh oh.


Krakhan: That's a lot of doors too.
Slowbeef: Anybody got GameFAQs up?
Maxwell Adams: Oh good, more doors.
Sinix: It's like I'm stuck in a Scooby-Doo cartoon.
Slowbeef: Seriously. GameFAQs? Anyone? Somebody be my savior.
Sinix: Who's navigating?


Sinix: Whoa, ninja!
Psychedelic Eyeball: Ow!
Sinix: They got swords.
Slowbeef: Fuckin' Brazil.


Slowbeef: What's that?
Sinix: Drink it?
Psychedelic Eyeball: Hey, bottles!
Maxwell Adams: Thanks to the bottles, I can see where you are on the map.
[Then I run around a whole lot]
Maxwell Adams: ....Unless you run around a whole lot. I'm looking at the map here on GameFAQs. But it's pretty hard to wade through. What Act are we on?
Sinix: Just run through random doors.


Slowbeef: Got you, Mr. Dick. You know, I've seen people post, "Why do you LP a game that you hate?" It's so that you people don't have to play it.
Psychedelic Eyeball: I know something about that.
Slowbeef: Damn right you do.


Slowbeef: Augh, I need a key? God, who made this game?


[I kill him/her - the knife throwing Nazi]
Sinix: Well, at least she gave you a pineapple.
Maxwell Adams: It's actually more Nazis throwin' paper airplanes at ya.
Krakhan: Well you killed another guy, so you must be making progress.
Slowbeef: Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't ya.
Psychedelic Eyeball: As long as there's corpses, there's hope!


Sinix: Is that dynamite?
Psychedelic Eyeball: No it's more bullets. But I hope we don't need all 400 of those bullets because this will be a long fucking maze!
Slowbeef: It's already a long fucking maze.


Sinix: Go forward.
Slowbeef: Hey!
Psychedelic Eyeball: Yay!
Sinix: I had a good feeling about that one!
Maxwell Adams: Hold on. I'll look at the map and we'll use the key to figure out where you are.... now where does it say "key" here?
Slowbeef: In order to not bore the people in the thread, let's tell stories.... uh.... I was in Brazil.... and.... there was a man named Psychedelic Eyeball.... he was beautiful.
Krakhan: And you fell in love.
Sinix: He is beautiful.
Psychedelic Eyeball: Oooooh!
Maxwell Adams: Okay, there's the key.... I see where you are on the map. I just have no idea where you're supposed to go.
Sinix: Use the directions. Should we head north? East?
Psychedelic Eyeball: The powers of dancing will get through this game!


Slowbeef: This game gives me a headache.
Cymoril: Ohhhh...
Krakhan: What the?
Slowbeef: Damn. Golgo works fast.
Sinix: Seriously. Cymoril just finished herself off.
Maxwell Adams: Whoa. At some point you actually get the custom M16.
Slowbeef: Is the custom M16 in this maze?
Maxwell Adams: Apparently. Basement Level C, Blood-Red.
Slowbeef: Blood-Red....


Slowbeef: Like, at what point did they not realize that this wasn't fun in any way? I mean you're killing Nazis, but in the worst way possible. I'm at a ladder. Does that help you at all?
Maxwell Adams: ....A little?
Slowbeef: How complicated is this map?
Maxwell Adams: It's because I'm looking at the map, and I glance over at the screen and you've done like 15 moves.
Slowbeef: I just went up the ladder. Is there more than one ladder?
Maxwell Adams: There's at least five ladders. There's a G? Something with a G. I don't know what that is.
Slowbeef: Goggles maybe? Let's go to G.


Slowbeef: Goggles, cool! What other weapons are there?
Sinix: Dun na na NA NA!
Slowbeef: I wish I could pause screen here, but I can't.
Maxwell Adams: The exit is on this level, but before you can leave, you need the gun on Basement Level C. There's a bunch of enemies on the way. And a bunch of lasers.
Slowbeef: We have the goggles now. Lasers are no problem.
Maxwell Adams: You sure? Not sure if it works that way.
Sinix: Just tell us where they are!
Psychedelic Eyeball: So at least, we have less chances to die!
Slowbeef: Exactly.
[I hear Maxwell typing a lot.]
Slowbeef: You're like the operator on the Nebuchanezzer. Why do I hear all this typing when you're looking at a map?
Maxwell Adams: Somebody else get the map and help out.
Slowbeef: Hey, "Golgo," help out! Sinix, anybody? Fuck it, I'll get the map, too.


Slowbeef: Right now I'm recording a browser.
Sinix: "This is how to look up games on the Internet."
Slowbeef: It's a Let's Play of GameFAQs at this point. The LP Harsh Criticism thread's gonna love this.
Maxwell Adams: Slowbeef just chooses more and more regrettable games every time.
Slowbeef: ....This FAQ has all the dialogue, like I give a shit. Holy shit, no wonder you had trouble. What the hell is this crap?


Psychedelic Eyeball: Welcome back to Golgo 13. Just in case you haven't been following us, we're staring at a door.
Maxwell Adams: Let's challenge Spartacus to a dance off.
Slowbeef: Haha... oh, there's gonna be so much editing in this video. It's just gonna jump. "Hey, here's the gun! What do you know, we found it!"
Krakhan: Have a nice star wipe thing. "One hour later...."


Slowbeef: Okay, I'm at L3.... there should be a door to the south of that....
Maxwell Adams: This is hard enough with a map. Can you imagine how hard it is without one?
Sinix: I don't know what all these letters mean.
Slowbeef: To quote lurkdawg, "Where'm I goin'?"
Psychedelic Eyeball: "WHERE AM I GOIN', BRO?!"
Slowbeef: Okay, I'm near the start, past the lasers.... I have the key.... This doesn't make any fuckin' sense. Why am I recording this?
Psychedelic Eyeball: We all forgot.


Slowbeef: I just wanna point this out. Look at this. Look at this ASCII piece of crap.

Now since this is mostly boring maze traversal, here's some highlights! With fanart from the previous thread!


By PaleIrish Guy
Psychedelic Eyeball: It's been awhile since we had some action here!
Slowbeef: It's been awhile since we had nothing that's completely not boring.


By PaleIrish Guy
Psychedelic Eyeball: [makes explosion sound]
Slowbeef: Psychedelic Eyeball's the only one having fun right now.


By PaleIrish Guy
Psychedelic Eyeball: Oh ho! Flawless laser run!

And wallpaper by Mr. Snack!

Psychedelic Eyeball: But mazes are fun!!! Ah, no. Sorry.

Slowbeef: Where's the Skulltulas in here? I've resorted to LP humor. I'm done! There's nothing to say about this fucking maze! I'm not God!
Maxwell Adams: This is no longer about entertainment. It's about.... it's just about a maze.
Psychedelic Eyeball: This is about suffering as well.
Slowbeef: I can't believe it's quarter after midnight. I rented like four video games and I haven't played one because I'm stuck on a maze in god-damned Golgo 13.
Psychedelic Eyeball: How many floors this maze even have?!
Maxwell Adams: It has 3, but you have to wind up and down to get anywhere.
(Technically it has two, but yeah, you need to go up and down different ladders to get around walls.)


Maxwell Adams: That guy wasn't on the map.
Sinix: He's on my map. I see him, it's like a spiral.
Slowbeef: It's like a spiral of awesome.


Gotten by Psion.
Sinix: Go south. East. South.
Slowbeef: This is gonna start the whole game over, the way this game works.


Slowbeef: Please don't tell me I have to restart the maze. Please don't tell me I have to restart the maze. ....You son of a bitch.
Maxwell Adams: How did you ever win this as a kid?
Slowbeef: I did somehow. I don't know. I was a dumb fucking kid.


Psychedelic Eyeball: Alright! Die, you freak! I'm already through my jokes.
Slowbeef: We're outta material.
Psychedelic Eyeball: We're washed up LPers!
Maxwell Adams: This is LP Purgatory.
Psychedelic Eyeball: Alright. Sweet fruit of doom!
All: (laugh)
Slowbeef: Just hearing that made the whole thing worth it.


Sinix: You need three grenades in a row. And then it's laser fence heaven. You're so close, you're so close....



Slowbeef: Yes!
Psychedelic Eyeball: Yes!
Slowbeef: Dun na na NA NA!
Psychedelic Eyeball: This is the best day of my life!
Sinix: I'm so happy right now!
Slowbeef: ....Now what?
Sinix: Now what? You have to actually do something now?
Krakhan: You have to actually exit the maze.
Psychedelic Eyeball: Please let us at least get to shoot the M16!
Slowbeef: I have to warn you. I know what happens with the M16.... and it doesn't change the gameplay at all.

THAT'S RIGHT. AFTER ALL THAT, THE M16 DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. GOLGO STILL USES HIS NORMAL GUN TO SHOOT. IT JUST CHANGES THE MAZE MUSIC TO GOLGO'S THEME AND YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE MAZE WITHOUT IT. ENJOY THE SWEET FRUIT OF DOOM.

Psychedelic Eyeball: I lost connection.
Slowbeef: Psychedelic, you lost connection? ....I'm sorry, man. We have to keep going.
Sinix: We've gotta keep this going.
Psychedelic Eyeball: I'm with you in spirit!
Sinix: What's to the south of you?
Slowbeef: I don't know.... my controls aren't working. Oh no.
Sinix: Oh no.... Lost connection.
All (well, most): Oh....
Slowbeef: ....This piece of shit game!
Psychedelic Eyeball: Piece of shit of Kaillera!
Sinix: We had the M16!
Psychedelic Eyeball: Folks, this is a good reminder to never use Kaillera.
Slowbeef: Fuck guests. I'm done with guests. This is never happening again. I hate this stupid game and I hate this stupid sub-forum!
Psychedelic Eyeball: Sub-forum killed us all.
Maxwell Adams: Hmm.... well, that was fun, right guys?
Slowbeef: Yeah, no that was great.
Psychedelic Eyeball: We had some fun maze action.... aw, shi-

So that video ends.

Part 4
With Dave_O and Slowbeef!


Slowbeef: Alright, here we go. Hallway of a million lasers.
Dave_O: It's the home stretch. You know I watched the Kentucky Derby a couple days ago and I think it'd be a lot more interesting if they had lasers.
Slowbeef: Anything would be more interesting than this crap.
Dave_O: It'd be less of a race and more just.... dodging lasers.


Dave_O: Is that custom?
Slowbeef: Oh, I think it is!
Dave_O: What the fuck does it do?
Slowbeef: ....I don't know.
Dave_O: At least you got it.
Slowbeef: Well, let's find out.


Slowbeef: Nothing. It's the exact same as your goddamned normal gun.
Dave_O: Well, if the movie taught me anything, Golgo's using that one handed. One hand. Not two. Just one.


Dave_O: Was that a health potion?
Slowbeef: That was. Golgo likes to drink.
Dave_O: Is this Zelda?
Slowbeef: No, it's not. You know how you know? This is not fun at all. That's how you can tell them apart.
Dave_O: Did you see like Queenie Z and the Eternal Darkness thread?
Slowbeef: I never played Eternal Darkness.
Dave_O: It's a pretty sweet game and it's got like sanity eroding stuff. But it's got nothing on this.
Slowbeef: This is sanity eroding in a different way. Like, "What the fuck is wrong with anyone who's playing this game?"
Dave_O: Eternal Darkness is kinda freaky and it's kinda fun. This is like you'll go out and stab your grandmother after playing it.
Slowbeef: Which reminds me.
Dave_O: How's she doing?
Slowbeef: Oh, she's okay.
Dave_O: I mean, this game has driven me to start calling you Maybell.
Slowbeef: We're at L5. We're almost out of the maze, Dave_O, can you believe it? Can you believe this piece of shit game?
Dave_O: Maze? I love mazes!
Slowbeef: I swear to God, this game is like how you torture people for information.
Dave_O: I see a career in the NSA ahead of you. "You survived Golgo 13? All the way through?! Son, sign right up."


Dave_O: I love this paint scheme. Of everything they could've picked. Wait, are we in Brazil?
Slowbeef: Yes we are.
Dave_O: ....I guess it kinda makes sense.
Slowbeef: And guess what, Dave_O, guess what?



Dave_O: Oh my God.
Slowbeef: YEAH!
Dave_O: Oh my God. Well, you can't pause screen right now, but if you could.
Slowbeef: We're gonna first thing.
Dave_O: Oh yeah. In the live action film, and I'm not gonna spoiler this because you spoiler things that are like good, Duke Togo attempts to get scuba gear from an old man with one eye. You can imagine where that goes.






Oh thank God, we're through the worst of it. Sort of.

End of Act 7.