Part 6: Episode VI: The Keeper
The Lower Reaches: When the bottom of the barrel is too lofty a height to achieve.
We open Chapter 1 in the lovely new locale of...more brown stone corridors. Now isn't this progress? You may notice something that is clearly out of place from the
Nah... Couldn't be...
You've got to be shitting me. Ben stuffed an entire full sized thick coffin lid into his fucking pocket...
And theft, destruction of property, murder, promoting cannibalism, illegal drug administering, and reckless breaking of the 4th wall.
Moving right along...with a stone coffin lid shoved down our pants next to a lit torch...
Oh hey! It's Señor X! Glad to see that guy is still getting work after that whole rocket launcher to the chest thing.
Really? You're going with those glasses?
The Keeper of Lost Souls somehow manages to have the worst voice acting so far. For a title which is apparently yelled in all caps, he speaks in a completely robotic monotone. Like, Male Shepard sounds like a normal natural voice in comparison type robotic.
The Master Sword? Golden Stars? Space Jump Boots? That's all pussy stuff. Nothing says heroic accomplishment like causing a sleeping man to stay asleep to nick his car keys.
So this fellow's full title is the "KEEPER OF LOST SOULS WITHIN THE KEEP OF LOST SOULS!!!" Catchy.
You know, if I were to pick two entities out of personified concepts for a story, I don't think "Fate" and "Destiny" would be my first choice for opposing sides. Fate and Free Will...? Destiny vs. Desire...? Good vs. Evil...? Sure, those all work. They're fucking opposites! Fate and destiny is the same damn thing! What are they battling over? Semantics of what to be referred to as? That's like a battle between Rage and Anger or Hot Dogs and Frankfurters.
Ben seems pretty down in the dumps to be both alive and chosen to do some crap.
Suddenly the Keeper's head spins around and he turns into a wolfman. Wait, what just happened?!
Okay, Christ! What is so important you needed to change heads?
"Sorry, wrong century."
Viral marketing is getting way too abstract these days. Turns out this is an ad for a new JJ Abrams themed steakhouse in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
The Keeper's head magically changes back to normal.
Nice to see Benjamin has his priorities straight. 'I'm not dead? Then why are you wasting my time?!'
I'm sure reading a Wikipedia article about Benjamin Briggs and the Mary Celeste is more research ever done by the development staff of this trainwreck, but Benny's wife and two year old daughter was on board the ship at time of the mysterious events on board the vessel and this "adventure" began. I somehow doubt Benny is going to inquire into their whereabouts or safety during the course of proceedings.
So the entry to The Keep of Lost Souls in Limbo is a prison. But if you manage to elude the inept guard on duty you are rewarded with a house warming gift? That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
The Keeper whisks us off into his shop in Cyrodiil to offer us one of the fabulous prizes for making it through the prologue: A glass of chloroform for all our kidnapping needs, a telescope which suspiciously lacks its name superimposed unconvincingly on its side, and a sack full of saffron spice... What? No printed t-shirt or hat? This place really needs to work on customer relations.
Despite the fact we were just told Benjamin is alive and well and clearly not a lost soul, we may only collect one of the three items at a time. An item can be returned and swapped out for another trinket, however. Oh well, our first problem was solved by drugging people...why go against what works?
Now all we need is a rag and someone who doesn't pay attention to their surroundings and Ben is well on his way to being a registered sex offender; much like I fear may be the case with whoever on the development staff seems to have a thing for all these knock-out drugs.
Heading back out...
Back in the previous room there is a handful of items to collect. And I really mean a handful. But first, let us take a look at the surroundings. There is an inaccessible coffin behind a gate which clearly has a large gap that Ben could easily mount over. To the left of that gate is a square shaped hole likely requiring either a crank or a red valve if Resident Evil has taught me anything. Oh well... No grave robbing for Benjamin.
In that coffin at least...
Taking a gander at the left coffin's contents...
Apparently, this casket contains a pirate Lost and Found box... In no particular order we obsessive-impulsively grab:
A broken naval whistle, of which sounds something like (and may very well be stolen exactly from later on) this.
Next up: a pirate hat. Sadly, we can neither make Benny don this little number...
...nor its stylish companion. What a shame.
Lastly, we collect an entire ship's wheel to stuff in our pockets alongside the small maritime museum and mausoleum. While the former is pretty well stocked, I think we could afford to add a bit more to our ghoulish collection. So, let's check out the coffin on the right.
Ahh...that's more like it. We'd nearly gone an entire update without disturbing the dead. With a taste for the deceased invigorating him, Ben does what comes natural:
Tearing out one of that dead fucker's ribs, of course! Why? Why the fuck not, says Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs. But, our heinous deeds are far from over. Scrolling over to the departed's head allows us a closer look at the ugly mug of this cadaver.
...says the man who just tore out a dead body's rib and shoved it down his pants. And learn the difference between "you're" and "your" you lousy seaman.
Now, what more could Benny possibly want from this corpse to add to his grim trophies? There are no gold teeth to knock from its head for a quick buck. But, Cap'n Briggs is far more creative than that. Shoving deep down that apparently empty right eye socket will reveal a hidden treasure.
I'm just glad there isn't a mini-cutscene with Ben, covered in rotten flesh, turns toward the camera with oozing eye in hand saying that line and giving a wily grin. It would make me think he's somewhat deranged.
Gathering all these items, we can now move on further into the 'Lower Depths'...
In the next room there is a dilapidated bridge and a " ________ Rotten Floor !!"warning. It is actually impossible to see what the top of that sign says until after this puzzle has been passed.
Alright, kids. I'll let you try to figure out this one out. Using the items currently in our possession, what must we employ to bypass the nefarious MYSTERY!!!! Rotten Floor?
- A Magical Seal
- A Note stating Cranny Faggot hits the sauce
- Cranny's cookbook lent from Hannibal Lector
- A torch with eternally burning human fat
- A huge coffin lid sans coffin.
- A note from the Keeper telling us about rambling shit and house warming gifts
- A pirate hat. Y'arr!
- A broken whistle.
- An eyepatch. Nightvision and radar not included.
- A ship wheel. Unknown if it is of the air or sea ship variety.
- The rib of a dead man.
- A glass eye ripped from a human head.
Adventure Game Logic Time!
The Keeper of Lost Souls of the Keep of Lost Souls