Part 18: It's Fisticuffs Then, Iolo!
It's Fisticuffs Then, Iolo!
The canals are refilled, so we're able to take the next steps in getting us Earth folks home. Back at Hellas there's a huge canal barge with all the right traits: Plenty of deck space, six cannons, and a line of railway track.
We just have to flip this switch...
...and we're off!
The main problem with the big barge is that it's only one tile less wide than the canal itself, which means angry critters can climb aboard if you don't pay attention. Anyway, the goal here is to get to Syrtis Major's mine and align the track on the barge with the mine tracks.
"Uh hey Yellin."
"Hmmm? Something up?"
"Yes, we need you to get off the train tracks."
"I see. Well that's interesting."
"No, seriously, move."
"Yes yes, in due time."
"Alright screw him, let's just get that ore ready while tortoise-boy here shuffles his fat ass off the tracks."
We'll need this to rotate a cart. For some reason the fasteners are loose, so any time you want to do this you need to use your ever-handy wrench to tighten up the connectors.
You may also remember Mr. Drill here. In addition to freeing Duprey and Shermano's dumb butts (they still haven't left their little cave, and Sherman has actually come back to it), it can also drill for ore.
Yeah, the whole gist of this mining subplot is that we have to go mine some ore. Using ordinary tools like drills and picks and shovels and wrenches. In any other game there'd be some monster or contrived crane or robot or something. Here, we just need to actually mine.
Spector shovels ore into a cart and we're on our entirely mundane way.
Unfortunately this just isn't going to work without that cart Yellin won't let past.
"Jesus Christ, we were in there for like six hours mining ore and you still haven't moved!?"
"What are you in such a hurry for?"
"Wait a second... of course! Sherman is really just Shamino, which means you are really just Iolo. That means you're intentionally being a complete asshole because you fucking hate me!"
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"Sir, I challenge you to a duel!"
"What, are you serious?"
"Is she serious?"
"I think she's serious."
"As the challenged, you have choice of weapon."
"That's ridiculous, I'm not picking weapons."
"So do you mean to imply that I can? After all, this is 1895. You can't refuse a duel!"
"Whatever, Steve. Let me guess, cannons at 10 paces?"
"Of course not."
"I just know how this will... wait, really? Then what?"
"I choose lead boxes full of radium at point blank range."
"...I don't have one of those."
"Well whose fault is that?"
"Quick, get this thing into the mine while he's still disoriented!"
Then we swapped the ore over. Yellin can't follow us into the mine.
"Okay quick push push push OH JESUS HE'S GAINING ON US."
And now, a brief moment with the Avatar...
"Hi there, everyone. Steve here, though you probably know me as the Avatar. It's sure been a crazy ride, hasn't it? Now, at this point I'm sure you're all noticing Yellin's rather hilarious orientation in this shot. And of course, I'm sure everyone is just waiting for me to do, say..."
"...this. But I'd just like to, you know, step out of character for a moment and reflect on something. Jokes in Let's Play threads. Why are they funny? Well, they're unexpected, audacious. It's always fun to watch the characters we've come to know and love trotting out the hilarious running gags, thread page after thread page. But there's something I'd like you all to consider: cannons stop being funny after about the twentieth random murder. Chuckle-worthy, sure, but please, on behalf of Let's Play protagonists everywhere: Come up with new material from time to time. Please. Thanks for listening."
Thanks, Steve. Plus, I have a way funnier idea.
"Oh I am SO going to get you for this, Steve."
"Maybe you should get Dupre to haul his lame ass out of your little asshole in the mountains and carry a skiff over here and chase me because last I checked you can't fucking swim, jackass."
"He just won't stop... you wouldn't think hitting someone in the face with a lead crate would lead to this much animosity."
"What are you staring at, Lt. Dibbs?"
"It's nothing, Madam, just that I find you stunning."
"But my body is cold, mechanical, barely mobile, and smells of copper and oil!"
"Yes, well, I am British."
"We're almost to the North Pole, Yellin! You'll freeze before you make it to the first marker!"
"Then I'll see you in Hell!"
The bridges, which were a plus all game, are now a barrier to barge travel. Fortunately we can just hop off and close the bridge off, which coincidentally cuts Yellin off entirely.
On the way to Olympus Mons we find, of all things, yet another barge! It's just wide enough to block our progress, and forms a sort of mini-puzzle.
First, we'll move the smaller barge to the east bank...
...move the large barge up north to the intersection near the pumping station...
...move the small barge BACK to the west bank...
...nudge it ever so slightly out of the way...
...and cross between the barges along a diagonal, which confuses Spector. I thought he was good at science.
Well, that was an ordeal.
Luckily, we can just take a straight shot into the mines and back to Carnegie.
"Ah! More iron ore! Where did you get it?"
"Dr. Yellin and his companions located a supply at Sytris major."
"That's wonderful. Tell Dr. Yellin and his companions hello for me next time you see them."
"But how did you get it here?"
"By refilling the Martian canals, transporting ore was as simple as it was in our time."
"That's nice, robot hooker, that's all terribly interesting. I'll send some of my men to mine as much more as we need. At last we can finish our space cannon and go home! Thank you, Steve, from all of the humans on Mars. We will, of course, need our propellant, the phlogistonite still stored in our space capsule."
"I'm pretty sure it's a made up word, but let's not shoot ourselves in the foot thinking too hard about it."
"Supposing I told you that oh I don't know the phlogistonite was stolen from the capsule?"
"How would you know that?"
"I wouldn't, except for the whole Avatar thing, but it's pretty obvious since we haven't even gone to Argyre or resolved the whole Rasputin thing, so clearly someone will have stolen the cannisters. However, we've got to go the capsule ANYWAY to look for clues, then bring them to Teddy Roosevelt."
"But we already KNOW who did it!"
"Rules is rules, Nellie. Rules is rules."