Part 32: The start of an episode of the Deckard HourWelcome to the Deckard Hour, with your host, Ben Deckard!
*Cut to a darkened studio, a single light on a middle aged white man*
You'd think uniting humanity would have solved most of our problems, right? Poverty, civil wars, all of these things are...ancient history.
*Camera zooms in on Deckard, who is sweating profusely, the general studio lighting grows and the rest of the studio is revealed, including a blackboard to the left and an on-set fake fireplace to the right*
But if there's one thing that never succeeds, it's the little plans and dreams of ordinary men, like us. Think about it: we just stumbled upon a new world (and by we, I mean us, the conservatives), and you'd think that maybe the other factions would tone down the spin a bit. Acknowledge that we were in the right here. Well, you'd be wrong, because apparently expanding through the cosmos is what everyone wants to do these days, don't you know! It's just, like normal! Where did this idea come from? Who do we have to thank? Who cares, there just some plebs, they're no GREAT SCIENTISTS or GREAT INTELLECTUALS like us.
*Deckard walks closer to the blackboard, draws a dot in the center*
This is the story of human history people, ordinary people like us keep the world moving, and academics swoop in and take the credit. AND the spoils.
*He draws a dot to the upper left*
The nerds want more computers to do work for them -- maybe some smelling salts to, don't you know sitting at a desk is so tiring!!!!!.
*He draws a dot to the upper right*
The artsy fartsies want cloning vats to make copies of themselves, because its so dull to talk to normal people like us, to even live among them.
*He steps back*
Doesn't look like much. But there was a new book released recently, I dunno if you saw it. Was it a childrens book? A textbook? No, just a little old story about...
*He draws a hammer and sickle through the 3 dots*
*He turns to the camera, and walks closer to it*
DON'T YOU GET IT PEOPLE? CLONING is POPULATION CONTROL. Spending more on computers? That's ECHELON my friends! THOUGHT CONTROL! This invasive control is expensive.
*He fakes a conversation between two people*
Oh this controlling of the sheeple is expensive lackey #1, how are we gonna pay for it? Oh I don't know lackey #2, let's use THAT NEW PLANET THE CONSERVATIVE FOUNDS and LETS STOP EXPLORING.
*He walks the camera to the on-set fireplace*
We, ordinary folks, don't want too much in life. What we really want is a nice place to live and places for our children to live. We're a growing species, and that means living space. There's plenty of nice planets out there, in the solar system, where you children or grand-children could strike it rich, in a new gold rush! But that can only happen if the academics don't take it from you first, what we need right now isn't to become introverted, more focused on cramming as many people on a planet as possible, we need to look out, to the stars.
*Deckard lowers his head and his voice, the camera zooms in*
*sigh*, I don't know. I've been doing this gig for 5 years now, and I don't know if I'm getting through to people. I'm certainly not getting through to those fat cats in congress *chuckle*. I'm just an insignificant little mite in this grand old universe. And maybe it's old-fashioned of me, but I still remain hopeful, I still believe that the future belongs to us, to the normal people. But we have to take action.
*stylized outro and cut to commerical break*