Part 16: The Jail

Hey, let me out of here! I have a hair appointment!




Excuse me, Mr Guard sir, I have to go to the bathroom...




Oooh, I am so writing a scathing review of the facilities in this jail in volume two of my memoirs.




That'll show you!




The smell of stale urine invaded my nostrils as I pulled back the bed of solid concrete...




The guards were unwashed, filthy animals with no regard for human life.




One guard hinted at accepting an unorthodox bribe.




"Hey there little buddy, look at the stick, look at the stick", I pleaded with him.




He eyed the stick and made sure nobody was watching.




"GO GET IT BOY!", I yelled.




He then proceeded to accept my bribe.




And just fucked off!




Slobbered all over it.




And handed it back!




I was trapped.




Since I was incarcerated indefinitely, I decided I'd better break out the old prison lingo.




I'd seen prison movies before... I knew what the look I was getting meant...




He couldn't rape me if I raped him first!




It was rape in self-defense, your honour.




If I didn't establish my dominance in a place like that, I'd have been eaten alive...




And that was just a savage beating... I don't know what all the fuss is about...












But I had gained something the guard seemed genuinely interested in.




I beckoned him over...






This was it, he was distracted!




It was my ticket out of that hellhole.




It wasn't even one of those awesome big ring sets of keys either.




Then there was just the small matter of my stuff.




I love stuff!














I hadn't eaten in days...




But the only food I could get my hands on was by no means up to the five star standard promised by the brochure.




Ah my old friend, the banana, we've had some good times.






I had done it!




I had blasted my way to freedom!







For the murder of G.P LeChuck...
Also the use of witchcraft on one Largo LaGrande...
The thievery of clothing and medically prescribed hair supplements for such witchcraft...
Graverobbing...
Trespassing...
Larceny without a permit...
Exceeding FDA limit for rodent parts in a vichyssoise...
Premature entombment of a non-dead individual...
Unauthorised exiting from a penal institution...
and Releasing a dangerous reptile into a populated area.
Also wanted for questioning regarding the disappearance of prescription eyeware.
Reward offered for information leading to the suspects apprehension.









Overall I give the prison service a disappointing 2 out of 5, the redeeming point being the entertaining funny little dog.




Join us next time for a tour of the local nightlife and casinos!