The Let's Play Archive

Monster Rancher

by Mr. Swoon

Part 33: Official B Cup

Fight, Megatron! Fight! For everlasting peace.

Megatron and I spent the entire night watching Taxi Driver over and over in preparation for this match. When he grunts, you could swear Robert De Niro was actually in the room.

That lava lamp lookin' thing seems familiar. I can't quite recall why, though...

Wow, the red goo has the defense of a brick wall. Too bad Megatron eats brick walls for breakfast.

I thought we agreed to stop feeding him walls.

Quiet, you.

You can guess what happened here. NEXT!

As it turns out, Megatron has an evil twin. I'd like to say that this was a dramatic climax to a life-long rivalry between the two, but it really was just a coincidence. Evil Megatron's trainer looked familiar, too. I can't quite say who she reminded me of, but she had the nicest pair of tits I've ever seen.

I have put up with a lot of trauma over the years. You have to admit that. But this is the first time when I truly believe that I need to see a therapist. There... there just can not be two of HIM in this world.

Yeah, that Megatron is one of a kind.

That is n- actually, yes. Let's say I was talking about Megatron.

Evil Megatron may have been bigger, but his power was nowhere near my boy's. What can I say? It takes a man to properly raise a monster.

And Megatron went on to prove my point, jumping on Evil Megatron's head until it was a fine white and gold dust. It reminds me of the last time I saw my own brother. Good times...

Next up was a big caterpillar.

I don't care what the movies tell you, giant bugs are the easiest things in the world to fight. Sure, they might have a strong exoskeleton but all it takes is a slight hit to totally rupture and puree their organs and whatever the hell bugs have inside.

The next match was against a suezo not unlike that horrible pink thing that had become the bane of my existence. I think it's time for Megatron to send a message to the one-eyed monsters of the world.

That message was stapled to its eye, then Megatron punted it out of the collosseum and into some part of the Himalayas. Hopefully the monks there will be able to read my handwriting.

Next was another friggin' bug. With wings. I don't know. I'm not an entomologist.

You know, I majored in entomology when I was getting my master's degree in monster trainin-

Blah blah blah blah blah Norman don't give a shit.

The little fucker used its wings to zip around Megatron's cyclone attack, among others.

He then sprayed some kind of freaky purple mist in Megatron's eyes.

Which made him do a little panic dance for a few seconds, until I threw a beer bottle at his face. That snapped him out of it. I'd show a picture of the slug's death, but there wasn't anything to see. Megatron had accidentally stepped on the bug while dancing. Serves it right.

The last match was against a chubby little hare. He looks sassy. I bet if I painted him some kind of neon color and gave him white gloves, Sega would pay me millions. But since my monster is the one fighting him, he will just have to settle for getting crushed into a chubby red and brown goo.

What the ffffffffcuk?! How the sweet hell does a fuckin' overweight rabbit get to be almost as strong as my gigantic man of stone?! Is he from Krypton?! I am so mad right now I could pop a brain cell if most of them weren't already killed by drugs and alcohol and daytime television.

I'm sure you can guess what just happened here. HINT: It was Megatron killing the hare with a mighty cyclone.

I now have the most famous monster in the world. I have yet to receive any endorsement deals. It's almost as if his fame means nothing whatsoever.

But the numbers have gone up! That's good! Come on, Megatron, show Norman how big your fame level is.

See? He knows his fame ain't shit. We aren't famous until we get contracts from Pepsi and Nike. Maybe both at the same time. Or his own sitcom. "Hangin' With Mr. Megatron"... I'd watch it.

What? You mean I actually got a TV deal?

No, it's from FIMBA. It's your level up notification.

Yay, I'm R4. That... that's pretty meaningless, actually. But we got money and we can go to better tournaments now. That's a start. We just need to decide on what kind of training to pump Megatron up with.