The Let's Play Archive

Monster Rancher

by Mr. Swoon

Part 9: Winter D Cup

We're going to try the D Cup? All right!

Maybe it's my imagination, but the announcer's looking slightly less bored now.

Dirty's first opponent started swaying his arms while singing "Walk Like An Egyptian". Well, I say "singing" but it was more like a shrieking growl.

Just like in E Rank, this guy's stats are worse than Dirt's in everything but intelligence.

Dirty felt cocky. Instead of simply tearing out strips of his opponent's flesh, he decided to show off some moves he saw on The Matrix. The strange thing is, we've never watched any Matrix movie at the ranch.

The dinosaur was so amazed by Dirt's bullet time antics, that he conceded. Dancing and acrobatics must be important to that species.

Up next was... A wingless one-eyed owl? Christ, these things are weird.

Once again, all he had on my hell hound was intelligence. I doubt he can think his way out of a pair of vice-like jaws on his pupil.

Somehow, the monster knew that fact, and kept looking for someone to help. His trainer was oblivious to the owl-thing's plight. Holly ran to the rest rooms to avoid seeing what was about to happen next.

The only evidence left that the monster even existed were a few feathers sticking out of Dirt's mouth.

Holly, why is there a statue in the arena?

That's a golem. He's Dirt's final opponent.

They're making my dog fight a giant man made out of solid stone?

Why are you so worried? Dirt McGirt's been able to win every match so far.

How can I not be worried?! LOOK AT HIM!


Oh fuck a duck, will you look at his power?! One hit and Dirty will be nothing but a fine mist.

I have faith in him. You can do it, Dirty!

Dirt tried to bite into what would normally be the monster's crotch, but it was as smooth as a Ken doll. Well, slightly less smooth since it's made out of rock.

The golem tried petting Dirty gently. It took off almost half his health. Oh god he's going to kill my dog. The time eventually ran out before it could finish Dirty off.

For some reason, the judges awarded the victory to Dirty. I'm not really sure how that worked, but the judges kept looking back at him nervously. Some covered their crotches protectively. I'm not going to investigate this any further than that.

That last fight notwithstanding, we won! In your face, power gamers!

Dirty moonwalked in celebration. Some day, I'm going to find out where he's learning all these moves.

We got a huge wad of cash, plus this CD Fragment

I'm so happy! We're actually decent monster trainers!

We're making money! Come on, everyone. Let's do one of those freeze frame victory jumps they do at the end of 80's movies!


Um... I hate to spoil the moment, but there's an official ranked tournament in a few weeks. Do you think we should try it?

Oh god another decision. Well guys? Should we try to go up another rank?