Part 4: Of Monkeys and Maidens

Last time we caught up with the intrepid Rex, he had emerged from a disgusting body of water and feasted himself on the visuals of a beautiful world. Hopefully the locals of this planet are more hospitable than the ship captains around these parts.




Rex cannot go back to the water, so he has three choices... west, north and east. First up, Rex heads west.



Well, this is a good start. Nothing says friendly like witch doctor hut + vulture!



Niiiice Vulture....

This bird looks remarkebly like what would be called a vulture on your home planet. Then again, YOU have been called a vulture on your home planet.



Yech! Whatever is cooking in that cauldron smells bad enough to kill a horse. Then again, maybe that's what it's supposed to do.



Rex summons up all his bravery and heads inside this inviting little hut.



The shrunken heads above the table are a nice touch. Not pictured here is a badger or something trapped in the cage at the bottom right.

The trophy makes you a bit nervous. That animal probably put up a better fight than you could ever hope to. You had better hope this hut's owner doesn't come strolling in any time soon.

This is probably the smartest thing any adventure game narrative has ever said.



An hemispherical vessel designed for mixing and crushing such things as bones, tusks, teeth, and eyeballs. It is currently occupied by a pair of kidneys from some small animal.

And yet somehow this table makes a more appealing kitchen than Rex's fridge.



Rex finally decides to arm himself.



Hahaha, the special option for the poison darts is 'lick'. If you do lick the darts, you get:

Sorry, Rex. These are head 'shrinking' darts, not head 'unswelling' darts.



These guys don't look happy. Obviously this hut's occupant has mastered the art of head shrinking.



Let's get the fuck out of here and never come back again.



That vulture is back...



"Nyuk! Cht!"? This is like some kind of bad cartoon.



Strange animal sounds emanate from the tree. The sounds remind you of that time you and Lolita were in that hot-air balloon and . . . uh . . . never mind.

.....I'm not even going to comment on this one.



This planet is fucking whacked. Rex decides to get the hell out of here.

Monkey (0:46) - Rex only ever uses his log after he gets himself into shit. Couldn't the monkey have stolen the poison darts or something instead?



Rex continues on without his binoculars. We'll get them back later.





Before we get to this lovely lady, however, Rex heads north to see what he can find.

Groin Kick (0:49) - Another log entry, which is never a good sign. The ladies in this village might not like men... but that's a risk Rex is willing to take!!



Rex acts on what you're all thinking. Admit it.

WOW! Boy has she caught your eye. You take a minute to lift your jaw off the ground, put your tongue back in your mouth, and mount your eyeballs back in your skull. You really owe it to yourself to get to know her.



Rex scouts the situation. He's PUA as fuck.

The curtain provides a small measure of privacy for this lovely woman. This is odd, because her clothes do not.



Time for the ice-breaker.





Oh. One of those freaky women.

Rex: What's your sign baby?
Woman: Go stick it in the sand.
Rex: What's a transmorph?
Woman: Oh, like you weren't a woman ten minutes ago.

This conversation isn't going the way Rex had envisaged it.

Woman: How's it feel to have your gender bent, Keeper?
Rex: Bent? Keeper? What are you talking about?
Woman: Your Gender Bender is a curse. you Keepers should be getting us some REAL men, not playing with silly machines.

Rex spies an opening!!!

Rex: I'm really confused. What's a Gender Bender?
Woman: You know, that silly machine you Keepers use to pretend you're men. I think it's sick.
Rex: I'm not from around here and I'm not a Keeper.
Woman: Yeah? Well you look like a Keeper to me. How could you be a REAL man? There aren't any left on the whole planet!

Rex's odds of scoring just skyrocketed.

Rex: I'm not from this planet. I'm shipwrecked here.
Woman: You're going to have to prove that! So, what's a torque wrench?

This is a fucking tribal village. You guys have headhunters. How the fuck do YOU know what a torque wrench is? Rex decides to push his luck.

Rex: An old pirate's term for a stubborn woman.
Woman: ...
Rex: Alright, alright. A device for measuring the angular force applied to a bolt.
Woman: Lucky guess. OK, time for a hard one. When setting a table where do the forks go?

Rex has this in the bag.

Rex: Whereever they land when I throw them from the kitchen.



You know, I tried this routine at a pub one night and I didn't get a single girl. Rex is clearly just a lot more charming than I am.

Sex Scene (2:03) - Another cheap hook for players. This doesn't even count as but it does showcase what is arguably my favourite piece of music in the game.



Rex awakes in what is a pretty sweet little hut. Things appear to be starting to look up for Rex!