Part 13: MISSION 12: The Age-Old QuestionWell, I'm back. Were you wondering if it's possible to fuck up a mission with a 50-foot Josef Stalin in it? Are you going to to be surprised at the answer?
MISSION 12: The Age-Old Question
Short, simple, and punctuated with a re-tread Mario joke. This game is consistent, if nothing else. Let's get on with it.
Stalin's on his way, and we have a mass of supertanks, not-so-supertanks, shitty artillery things, and infaWHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KATYUSHAS??
Seriously game, don't introduce an awesome new unit and not give me any for the final outing. I mean, I figured you got that out of your system with the idiotic infantry mission.
Well, no time to bitch now* because someone opened the asshole floodgates! Sprinkles and lizardlings are streaming in, with oooOOOooohs providing backup.
*There is always time to bitch. I lied.
We're holding the front, but I have no intention of letting those triple-eyed spoogefucks inviso-plink my units to death. Supertanks, forward!
A combination of machine gun fire and the occasional tank shell thin out the flowing opposition.
This is a bit too much for my tanks to take, so I start trying to snatch up the Grozny Gold before everything gets whittled away by copyright infringement and space reptiles. As you can see by my one tank COMPLETELY OBSCURED by co-locating coins, this is easier said than done.
Hey, Paingod said RED MAGIC helped him get through that one mission...maybe it can help me out now! Let's see what we get...
I...In...Infantry? The great and terrible RED MAGIC spawns FOUR UNITS OF INFANTRY?! This...I...they...
And then unseen bugtillery kills them all.
I'll sort this shit out later. For now, let's (A) focus on the fact that the developers decided to place bugtillery where it could get the first shot on any and all reinforcements (see previous .gif), and (B) return to a tried-and-true strategy.
Motherfucking tanks, and lots of them.
...Wait, what? It's over already? Then why did...I didn't...huh?
This mission is so damn confu
I mean, I pretty much knew this was coming, but...commanding a giant Stalin against goofy Mars Attacks! rejects? This is what this whole game should have been! Maybe now we can have some real fun!
Go, Joe! Smash those alien fuckers with your...um...
Wait, what is it that you do?
Oh, okay. You punch things with your pipe, and they die.
They sure didn't waste any time vacuuming all the potential fun out of having my very own MonstroStalin. He has no sound effects (aside from a VERY tepid voiceover), attacks by stiffly swatting the air in front of him with his pipe, and produces no particle effects or anything. He's a giant Poser figure that makes things around him die. That's it.
On the flipside, he takes literally no damage, so he can Ceci n'est pas une pipe Punch to his enormous heart's content. Give those green litigation magnets what-for!
Compare this to the previous screenshot to see what kind of area of effect his One-Pipe Problem attack has. I can't tell you how relieved I was when I realized that I didn't have to watch him single-strike every individual unit on the map.
Uncle Joe's not about to be dissuaded by bug farts. There is bloody Work of the People to be done!
Punch some dudes over here...
Punch some dudes over there...
Punch some more...
Wait, what the fuck am I doing? The objective is to kill the alien leader. If Joe the Barbarian doesn't take any damage anyway, why should I give half a Red Shit about these dinks?
Later, bitches! Ol' Dirty Stalin has a date with the alien leader...
...The giant reanimated betentacled head of Adolf Hitler.
Okay, yeah, spoiler alert back at the beginning.
Well, didn't fare so well back on Earth, what makes him think he can handle Fightin' Joe Stalin on Mars?
Tentacle slaps vs. pipe punches! The age-old question! Who shall emerge victorious???
Probably the guy that takes literally no damage. I hope no one had any money riding on that.
IT IS DONE. Our long national nightmare...has ended. Time to see who exactly is responsible for this tragedy.
Yeah, you dumbfucks keep telling yourselves that. Click for said dumbfucks.
So...that's it. That's the ball game, ladies and gentlemen. I must say, I feel a certain lightness about my person now. It's as though a great, smelly weight has been lifted from my soul. I think I'm going to go frolic for a bit, and enjoy the good things in life that I have been so desperately missing.
NEXT TIME ON STALIN VS MARTIANS:
I wrap up any remaining questions, and share some final thoughts.