Part 30: If You Call A Place "Fun City," It Should Probably Actually Be Fun
Chapter 28: If You Call A Place "Fun City," It Should Probably Actually Be Fun
So here we are, riding this
what the fuck even this is that
So first things first.
There's this little unmarked island here on the geographically-nonsensical snowfield islands.
You can buy some stuff here. It's expensive as hell but better than anything else you can actually buy elsewhere.
You can also buy the Magical Rasp, which lets you create better armor with the Blacksmith command.
We also bought the Sacknoth's Helmet, it's nothing special but it's better than the Salamander Helm and a unique piece of equipment that only Vados can use.
Well, so much for being millionaires.
Our next destination is a bit more entertaining.
They also sell Magical Film here.
As such, we can make all the money we spent on useless equipment back right here.
Fun City also has food from completely different planets.
It features Bunny Races, which is like if Chocobo Races had Down Syndrome.
Of course, it goes without saying that Star Ocean 2 in general features the cast of any generic JRPG game if they, too, all had Down Syndrome.
Now, the Bunny Races are utterly horrible. You watch these things run around the circle once, but somehow it takes them five minutes to do so.
The only reason you should waste your time here is to get the Bunny Shoes, but your odds are terrible; even though there are only 12 combinations for first and second place, the ones you need to bet on (in the specific order that they'll place in) are so terrible and take SO LONG to get around the fucking racetrack that your real odds are not 1:12 but actually 0.
Don't waste your time with this bullshit.
You can pickpocket a pair off of this piece of shit thing instead, and you only need one to beat the game, or to get far enough through the bonus dungeon that you acquire enough Bunny Shoes to equip everyone in your party.
Under normal circumstances, the Bunny Shoes are utterly useless.
The Bunny Shoes max out their wearer's sprite movement speed in battle. Had this game been programmed properly, leveling the Gale skill to 10 would do the same (maxing out battle movement speed). However, this is Enix we're dealing with, so nobody checked any programming and nobody caught it in testing.
The result: the Gale skill does nothing. NOTHING. However, if you equip the Gale Earring accessory (which can only be used by certain female characters), it sets a different Gale-related value to 10, maxing out your movement speed in battle. How they fucking missed this, I don't know. I do know, however, that this all has a very redundant and telling explanation: this is Enix.
Anyway, that's all we're doing in Fun City for now. We'll be back soon enough, though.
As always, we have more important things to do.
For the record, important things have nothing to do with Narl.
Obviously, we're the only ones who actually want her to hang around us.
So this is OPTIMUS PRIME.
we have two people named after giant cartoon battle robots in our party, what the fuck is this shit
So here is our current party. I guess I may as well get those other losers to 100.
Hell, we'll even get Knox a couple levels too so we can make his unique sword.
Yes, his "ultimate" weapon is shittier than the Marvel Sword. Surprise, surprise, this is Knox, after all.
So basically we stumble upon this town, which is full of LARPers or some faggot shit like that.
They sell Smith's Hammers here, so I may as well use that Magical Rasp now that I have no further use for any of these materials.
Not a bad shield for characters who can use it. Said characters including Geese. And that's... kinda it. Knox too I guess but fuck him
You make the Algol with Damascus, I believe. OPTIMUS and Panic! are the only two characters who can equip it in the entire game. It doesn't have the best stats, but it's the only thing you'll ever need for the rest of the normal game.
We also get our book-writing on.
I had this great idea for a book of short stories for the 9-12 y.o. demographic the other day. I wish I could justify playing video games all the time by saying that these ideas come to me when I'm playing video games, but honestly they seem to pop up the most while I'm singing Hawaiian songs from the 1920s in the shower.
So, uh, the moral of the story is shower every day, you fuckin' neckbeards.
Nemo writes some weird furry shit.
I don't even know what the fuck this has to do with social statistics
And this, I just don't even know. Period.
Anyway, it's time to get back to Fun City.
We slap a Paralysis Check on Geese. I think you know where this is headed.
If you guessed "The Battle Square," you're exactly right.
The survival battle is fifty back-to-back matches full of monsters you'll never encounter in the normal game, and even a couple that you won't even run into in the postgame bonus dungeon.
For the record: all you bitches who think Dias is hot shit are doing it wrong.
The early matches are very disappointing. We ran into this guy on the Cross Continent waaaaaaaay back when.
Then you fight these things, which can "eat" you and kill you in one hit even though they do 0 damage.
Obviously you want to keep some distance between the two of you. Not with some "oh look at me i'm such a pretty princess dancing around drawing a circle around myself with my sword " bullshit, but with a real man's attack, like shooting FUCKING METEORITES out of your sword.
Then you get this asshole. You encounter these in the top floors of the final dungeon, and they give the best EXP in the normal game. This particular coliseum variant starts out flying too high for you to melee, but bring Dragon Howl along for the ride and you'll kill him in five seconds.
These things can be a bit of a pain because they have a faster attack animation than any player character, but their HP is low so you shouldn't have too much stress.
Incidentally, if you want, you can replace Sword Bomber with Head Splitter, but ONLY IF it's low-level. Higher level head splitter is cool, but it actually puts you in the enemy's attack hitbox range rather than dropping you on their heads, so if you're over the 200-use limit, leave it at home.
I hate this asshole. You can't hit him from the front, and he turns invincible if you try to hit him from behind.
However, due to a programming glitch, this particular variant of the "riot shield" enemy will actually just outright die if you hit him while he's doing his invincibility skill.
Pop a Fairy Glass. You'll be using Dragon Howl a lot.
Once you dizzy him, just go to town.
Town is a long-ass ways away, by the way. The counter rolled over twice and this is actually my 206th consecutive skill.
Yeah, yeah, where's my prize
Hell yes, bitches.
Okay, so mini points opportunity. Now that we have a full deck of cards, let's call endings.
From now up until... oh, a few updates down the line, for those of you who wish to participate and/or get points, all you need to do is call who gets paired up with who, or who doesn't get paired up with anybody for that matter.
Each right one is worth half a point to a grand total of 4 if you get them all, and these points will be tallied when we get to the very, very end of the game. So get guessing', this one isn't hard at all.