The Let's Play Archive

The Bard's Tale

by Stabbey_the_Clown

Part 17: Chapter 3 - 04

I don't think there will be an update on Monday the 7th, I have nothing ready, and I'll need an entire day to get the stuff and make it quality.

Chapter 3 - 04

Finn - Nice

Finn - Snarky

: I, uh, don't mean to trespass. I was sent here by Bodb, don't ask which one, to reacquire a bell that he had lost to you gambling.
Old Man Finn: That bell you're after, it's not for sale, but maybe there's something you can do for me and I could offer you the bell as payment.
: Sure old man. What do you need, some chickens milked, some cows plucked?
Old Man Finn: Heh ha ha ha ha! Not quite, come with me.

The Bard followed Old Man Finn, and he pointed out into his field.

Old Man Finn: These pesky crows are eating all my crops, if you can rid me of 'em, you walk away with the bell.
: That's it, birds? Killing a few birds will square things up? Ha, too easy old man, where's the catch?
Old Man Finn: You want the bell, kill the birds. I'm old, time is precious. Do we have a deal or not?
: It's difficult to associate you with the word precious, but yes, we do have a deal.
Old Man Finn: Good luck. Meet me by the house when you're done.

The Bard swung his sword at the crows, but as he moved on to the next scarecrow, they returned to the first. The Bard drew his bow.

As the crows were felled, something most unexpected happened. The scarecrows came to life and started moving menacingly towards the Bard.

The now animated scarecrows packed a nasty punch, felling the Crone in a single blow. The Bard retreated and resummoned her, while plunking away at the advancing menaces with his bow.

The Bow wasn't making a big impact, so the Bard pulled out his claymore and waded right in.

The Bard walked up to farmer Finn and started thinking aloud.

About the Scarecrows...

: So if I kill the farmer, it's not so much a sin as it is a mercy killing. He's gonna most likely die any minute now anyways.
Old Man Finn: *laughs* Any problem with the crows?
: No, but a heads-up on the scarecrows would have been nice.
Old Man Finn: Troublesome lot, aren't they. Not only do they attract crows, but every time I tried to get rid of them, they took out half my crop. Last time I buy a scarecrow from a Trow.

: That was more work then I figured, but I guess a trade is better than being in debt.

Experience: 300

Old Man Finn: You said it! Connor wiped me out so badly playing cards... that I had to trade him my daughter's hand in marriage to get out of debt.

: I knew you were a despicable old man, but your own daughter to get out of debt, that's a nice twist.
Old Man Finn: You've got that right, but she ruined it by falling for some loser, now the wedding is off I feel sorry for Connor.
: I feel sorry for the loser, but back to things I actually care about. If you hand over the bell now, we can finally be done with one another.
Old Man Finn: The bell is yours. A deal's a deal.
: tell your daughter I'm sorry I can't attend the wedding.

Right on cue, the farmer's daughter came running.

Fiona: Wedding, did I hear someone say Wedding?

Fiona - Nice

WHAT IF: We'd been Snarky to Fiona?

Then Fiona saw the Bard.

Fiona: Shoot him where he stands. You have some nerve burrowing your way onto our land, you scum.
Old Man Finn: I see you've met my daughter.
: Uh-oh.
Fiona: This is the swine's behind I told you about.

: I see you have your father's wit. No wonder you traded her
Fiona: Daddy, this snake took advantage of me, then took off the next morning. You promised me marriage, and you broke my heart.
: Listen, lass...

Old Man Finn aimed his crossbow at the Bard.

Old Man Finn: I believe our business is done here.
: Couldn't agree with you more, old man. And as I always say, if you just hand over the bell, I'll be on my way.
Old Man Finn: One... Two...
: Please don't count again.
Old Man Finn: As you wish.

The Bard thought a sensible retreat was in order.
: Our hero had once again been bitten in the behind due to his disrespect for women. Would he ever learn?

: Who asked you? I obviously have two options here. Marry her, or find some poor fool to take my place. Hmm, let's make that one option. I'll have to have a heart to heart with this Connor fellow.
: The Bard would have to find a way to make the farmer's daughter happy, and forget about him at the same time. Perhaps seeking out her former betrothed would be of help.
: I just said that.

The Bard figured that anyone crazy enough to want to marry Fiona would have to spend most of his days drunk out of his mind, so he headed right for the pub. For once, the Bard was right on the money.

Connor was easy to spot, because Fiona had somehow managed to beat the Bard to the pub and was standing right next to the sobbing man the Bard had seen earlier.

Conner versus Bard

Fiona: There he is Connor! There's the man who insulted my honor!
Connor: Nobody lies about my lady and gets away with it Bard.

: I think you meant to say lies with... which is funny because I heard...
Connor: Enough out of you!

With that, Connor launched a punch at the Bard, surprising him. The Heroine fired a slew of arrows into Connor.

Fiona: What, are ye such a scag that ye can't take on a real man by yourself?
: I'll show you a real man.

The Bard unsummoned his helpers, and took Connor on with his bare fists. And he won.

: It never seemed to occur to the Bard that knocking the piss out of Connor would fail to solve his current predicament.
: You mean I have to- *disgustedly* Aww...

The Bard spoke to Connor, who was still on the floor.

: Ready to clean my boots with your face again?
Connor: I'll do for you this time!

This time, the Bard let Connor win.

: I've had enough! I yield!
Fiona: Oh, you beat him senseless! That was wonderful, Connor! I never realized how... manly you were. Let's forget this loser and go someplace quiet!
Connor: Whatever you say, love.

The newly engaged couple merrily left the bar.

: I hope nobody important saw that.
Experience: 300

WHAT IF The Bard was Snarky to Fiona: Connor - Snarky

WHAT IF The Bard was Snarky to Fiona: Connor - Nice

Being snarky to Connor plays out almost identically as if you were nice to Fiona.

The Bard returned to Old Man Finn, hoping to finally get the bell from him.

Farmer Finn is Happy

: I've made your daughter happy Grandpa, so hand over the bell.
Old Man Finn: I don't know how you did it, son. I owe you thanks for getting her out of my hair.
: What's left of it.
Old Man Finn: I'll miss these pleasant chats of ours. The bell is yours for the taking. There's an old horse out in the pasture, the bell is around his neck. Good Luck. Hoo-hoo-haw-haw-ha!

: You chase the old nag around the pasture and grab the bell, and I won't slaughter all your chickens. How's that?
Old Man Finn: Well, me chasing that nag will do neither of us any good. I'll drop dead, and you still won't have the bell.
: As much as I'd like that, I do need the bell.

Old Man Finn: That old horse is possibly the meanest, nastiest creature I've ever known - present company included. I put that bell on him so that I could hear him coming and get away as far as possible. If you get the bell off that horse, you be sure and thank Bodb for providing a poor old man such amusement.
: Which one?
Old Man Finn: There's more then one?
: Never mind?

The Bard tentatively approached the Horse, which was in the middle of a ring of standing stones.

"Nice horsie..." the Bard started.

The horse growled and charged the Bard.

The Bard fought the Horse, which was unwilling to stray outside the standing stones.

After it was dead, Old Man Finn came up.

The Ornery Horse is Dead

Old Man Finn: I see you're just as good with animals as you are with people...
: He started it and I have the hoof marks to prove it... Need help burying your horse?

Old Man Finn: Shh! Don't call it my horse. (loudly) I've never seen this animal before! (stage whisper) If the town elders see that you spilled the blood of my horse here, we'll be stoned. They used to use this site for executions and sacrifices, back when we still did that sort of thing. I'm not about to be here when they decide to start again!

: Great, just what I need, a mob of angry villagers at my heels. ... You aren't going to just leave it here, are you?
Old Man Finn: I'll come back after dark when nobody can see me... Now let's flee from this place.
: And so the Bard, with bell in hand, and the smell of horse on his shoes, rushed back to the temple to meet his new lady.
: She's not my lady.

Item Gained: Magic Bell
Experience: 330

Temple of Caleigh 2

Homely: I see you've returned.
: I see you have quite the knack for stating the obvious.
Homely: Did you bring us the bell?
: It took quite a bit of doing, and left quite a mess, but here it is.

Bodb1: That's a nice little horse bell you've got there, but where's the bell we need?

: What are you talking about?

Bodb1: The bell we want is blue, and has a little cow on it.
: That's some information that would have been useful earlier.

The four Bodbs couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing.

Homely: Forgive them my friend, they are quite mischievous by nature.
: Yeah, charming. I will miss them... when they're dead!
Homely: I'm sure a talk with the princess will soften your anger. We shall summon her now.
: It had better work this time.

Once again, the Bodb's conducted the ritual summoning, and finally, Princess Caleigh appeared.

Caleigh: I was hoping you would come, my valiant rescuer.
: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. What is in this for me?
Caleigh: A straight-to-the-point kind of man. Impressive. What do you get for freeing me? Well, you'll get me, riches beyond your wildest dreams, my kingdom at your feet, and me.
: You said 'me' twice.
Caleigh: Well, anything worth having is worth repeating.
: Good point. So, are you going to give me directions, or are we just going to stand here desiring each other?
Caleigh: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
: Touché.
Caleigh: There is something you will need to obtain before you can free me.

: This just keeps getting better and better. And what do I need, other then a mental examination?
Caleigh: In the forest around Highland Park, there is a Trow who possesses a magical lute which you will need in order to rescue me. They are a stubborn and evil bunch, but you should be able to outwit them. Once you have obtained the instrument, return here and I will give you further instructions.
: Like what? Go out and slay a few dragons and capture moonbeams in a jar? How about this? Let's call the whole thing off. If I wanted a run-around with a Trow, I would have married the farmer's daughter.
Caleigh: There's no bluffing me, Bard. I have the power to see into your mind. I want you to take those images in your head right now, think of having them thrice daily, and then rethink if you'd like to help me.

With that, Caleigh broke the connection and the image vanished.

The Bard sighed. He was powerless to resist.

Homely: Welllll?
: So, where is this park exactly?
Homely: My devoted servants will show you. Good luck my friend, and return here once you have the lute.

: So, what was that image in your head?
: None of your business.

The four Bodbs went outside and the Bard followed them to a nearby gate.

The Bard tried it, but it was locked.

Highland Park Gates

: Wait... let me guess. You don't have a key to this gate and I have to defeat some wizard on a mountaintop somewhere to get it, right?
Bodb3: My goodness, where do you get such ideas? I have the key right here.
: A first time for everything. Of course, now I have to spoil this moment by asking why are these gates locked in the first place?
Bodb3: This used to be a wonderful park where the town would gather to play games and share food. It was overrun by Kunal Trow, so we keep it locked for the town's safety.
: Leave it to a Kunal Trow to spoil a picnic.

The Bard took the key and unlocked the gates, which swung open easily.

: Before I head into mortal danger, I just have to ask... what's with all of the missing limbs?
Bodb3: Oh, well at one time or another we've all tried to rescue the princess. This is about as far as we've gotten. I'm sure you'll fare much better, we sent one of our brothers in a few days ago, keep an eye out for him and he'll be sure to help you... If he's still alive, that is.
: That is so reassuring.
Bodb3: Good luck!
: And the Bard, already bowing to the wishes of his betrothed, made his way to the Trow-infested Highland Park

All Movies:

Finn - Nice

Finn - Snarky

About the Scarecrows

Fiona - Nice

WHAT IF... The Bard was Snarky to Fiona

Bard versus Connor

WHAT IF The Bard was Snarky to Fiona: Connor - Snarky

WHAT IF The Bard was Snarky to Fiona: Connor - Nice

Farmer Finn is Happy

The Ornery Horse is Dead

Temple of Caleigh 2

Highland Park Gates