The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament 2

by Daeren

Part 9: At Least It's More Historically Accurate Than F.A.T.A.L.

Update 9: At Least It's More Historically Accurate Than F.A.T.A.L.

Welcome back.

Last time we, got a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Rape.

At least we got our cool red eyes back.

If you thought Snidely was done jabbering, you're wrong.

This God of yours is very quick to do your bidding. It's a shame you're not so keen to please your own people!

My words go beyond poetry. Bring forth your own divine insights if it is that easy! Perhaps then you will understand me better. The question is not who hears but who listens... (Take a shot)

Surah 17:73 posted:

73. And their purpose was to tempt thee away from that which We had revealed unto thee, to substitute in our name something quite different; (in that case), behold! they would certainly have made thee (their) friend!

You know, when your villain is constantly making better points than your protagonist, that's a sign that you really need to revise the script. Unless you're and avant-garde. MDickie may be as all hell, but he's the stupid kind. Speaking of which!

MDickie posted:

The famous "Satanic Verses" are alluded to when Muhammad is accused of saying what the Jews and Christians want to hear. In fact, it was the pagans that Muhammad was accused of pandering to by changing the wording of Surah 17.

Oh boy.

You know what? I'd fill up a good chunk of the update explaining the Satanic Verses but this is as good an explanation as any. Suffice to say, it's a very sticky subject and is also why Salman Rushdie got a fatwah called against him.

Snidely walks off and Uncle Phil reappears.

Five minutes ago you were about to wring the guy's neck for smack-talking Jesus and now he's a prophet.

Fun fact, by the way: this is the FIRST TIME Abu Jahal gets a proper naming. All NPCs have names, but they're hardly ever used. Only certain scripted conversations ever use them, such as trials, "X is a friend of mine", and the like.

Indeed, it is from their fertile faith that Christianity was born!

MDickie posted:

The city of Medina was originally known as "Yathrib" and changed its name later. The game's map obviously had to choose one name and stick to it.

Surah 26:197 posted:

197. Is it not a Sign to them that the Learned of the Children of Israel knew it (as true)?

Take a shot. MDickie's about to dare to be stupid.

We head to Medina to see this trainwreck unfold.

You know, I heard a homeless guy say this exact same thing on a street corner a few months ago.

Thank God MDickie actually calls HIMSELF on his bullshit to save me the trouble.


Why wouldn't he just fix it and - oh forget it.

If I drank alcohol, I think I would have killed myself by now.

Allah has told me much of Solomon, David, Moses, Noah, and our shared ancestor Abraham. Unlike you, they all humbled themselves before the one true God and were rightly guided!

I know I said Muhammad was more human in this game than Jesus was, but that didn't mean he wasn't a self-righteous jackass at times.

If this turns into I am going to walk across the Appalachians, to the east coast of the United States, and then swim across the entire Atlantic ocean. I will then climb up the shores of the British Isles and walk across every square mile of them until I find you, Mat Dickie. And I will strangle you to death with the sheer force of my hate.

Allah's wisdom dictated that the divine tree would have TWO branches that grew in different locations. It is by this conceit that each one might support the other as faith blossomed across the world. It is for this reason that the forgotten seed of Abraham stands before you and wishes to be reunited with his brothers!

Islam is a rich, full religion with over a thousand years of history. While it had its roots in Judeo-Christian myths, its own ideals have evolved to be quite different and unique. It's given us some brilliant scholars, wonderful architectures, and fantastic cultures.

And yet MDickie makes it sound like more of an expansion pack religion than the fucking Book of Mormon.

"Nobody has ever looked in the Torah and said 'Hey, I wonder what happened to that Ishmael dude?'! You must be a prophet!"

Surah 49:13 posted:

13. O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).

So yeah, Muhammad is apparently some sort of magical schmooze machine. It's around this point that MDickie's vaunted 'research' starts to collapse in on itself.

MDickie posted:

Although the Jews of Medina embraced Muhammad at first, the game omits their later rejection of him and the bloodshed that followed. Many Jews were executed for being traitors in what is known as the "Battle Of The Trench". I felt this was inappropriate subject matter for a game, and it would also confuse the clear divide between the Muslims and the Quraysh.

Because FUCK moral ambiguity, am I right!? It's not like Muhammad was a fallible...human...being... oh fuck it.

They observe regular prayers, watch what they eat, and study the scriptures. We could learn much from them. Let us return to Mecca and advise all Muslims to make their home here! It is much more fertile ground.

People are a kind of energy. Let's focus all our energy in one place and fulfill its true potential!

A mind-bogglingly stupid screenshot for a mind-bogglingly stupid 'revelation.' Sometimes the NPCs forget they're not Muhammad and pretend to use miracles.

Surah 4:162 posted:

162. But those among them who are well-grounded in knowledge, and the believers, believe in what hath been revealed to thee and what was revealed before thee: And (especially) those who establish regular prayer and practise regular charity and believe in Allah and in the Last Day: To them shall We soon give a great reward.

And a tenuously connected citation to boot. I'm going to go vent my frustration with this game by chopping some dudes to bits.

Oh snap, the fun police.


Refusing to listen to the guards (or selecting the bottom choice in any conversation) gets them pissed and they start to beat the crap out of you.

They had swords, I lost mine. It didn't go well.

Did chop one of them into kibbles though.

Yadda yadda yadda, skip to the relevant part.

Sorcery, huh?







Blah blah blah get on with it.



Hmm. What would Jesus do?

Oh yeah.

So, we hop off the cross and immediately are greeted by what must be our #1 Fan by now.

But I bet he didn't tell you that you could use it to draw possessions into your life! Why run around chasing material possessions when everything in the world can come to YOU?

Once again, way ahead of you.

Hmmm...I wonder....

So, let's get back to Mecca and

...apparently let the run button have us hop straight into the well. Way to go.

If we didn't have Landscaping we'd be stuck down here until we drowned to death.

Well? What well?

So, off to Mecca!


You're a disgrace to your forefathers! Would you have us pollute our bloodline by fraternizing with foreigners?

Didn't God make Man out of a clot of blood though?

This is going to haunt my nightmares

That tiny man is staring very intently at that guard's ass.

The imminent rape is almost enough to drown out the stupidity.


Surah 49:13 posted:

13. O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).

And so nearly everybody in Mecca heads out to Badr while the Quraysh beat on them.