Part 2: The Journey of a Thousand Frustrations Begins with a Single Step
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Chapter 1: The Journey of a Thousand Frustrations Begins with a Single Step
This is the loading screen. Those of you that have played already know it well. As far as I can tell, the entire gameplay revolves around getting your character into the same map as the next plot point. That map is usually marked by a cross, and is represented here by Mega Man. A loading screen usually takes just shy of the same amount of time it takes to run across the map. In order to make this more interesting MDickie has added randomized famous quotes to each screen. Its telling when the second one you get is about how that's a terrible idea. No argument here.
Gadara is home to one of my favorite NPCs, the Jolly Green King of all Cosmos. Gadara is where Jesus cast out demons, made famous in my favorite song from Jesus Christ Superstar. Anyway, I think the water has a message for us.
Helpful, I suppose.
Here we have an impromptu reenactment of The Dark Knight Returns. I hate that book. Anyway, the law in Gadara is pretty strict. They were on the spot immediately to keep the situation in hand and confront those that menace society.
You've got no business snooping around at night! Sit down like the others before I PUT you down...
Goddammit. Walking is against the rules at night and sitting is against the rules in daytime. Both of these activities are required for progress at all times of day. Thank you very much MDickie.
As soon as he left I went for a drink anyway. I'm a renegade. See the three bars at the bottom? The middle one is your sanity, drinking water is the best way to refill it. If you drink with full sanity the yellow spirituality meter falls. I guess its something about gluttony but I can't imagine being really thirsty is a sin.
Our tour of Gadara concludes at the scene of a crime. Charlie Brown has discovered the limp body of Mike Wazowski. Surely as a fellow big-headed children's cartoon character he'll gladly lend a hand.
Fuck that. KILL THE ONE-EYED FREAK
Now a hasty retreat to Tiberias, former regional capital and site of the next plot point.
Also home to naked Captain America and his never-ending game of peekaboo. Moving on then, Goku has been waiting for us.
I want you to teach me what you were doing back there? I believe its my destiny to find out!
Obviously he was screaming in preparation for his great battle against some guy with a vegetable pun for a name. Also, that doesn't get a question mark you dumb kid.
The Jewish people are uniquely qualified to hear my message. They've developed great faith over centuries!
Am I the only one wondering why Kimberly is so enamored with Jesus' chiseled physique?
Meet me in Galilee and I will initiate you along with the others. See to it that you remain pure until then...
Jesus just mentioned "the force". Let that sink in for a minute. Jar Jar Binks is now a Christian icon, possibly a candidate for Sainthood. Its worth mentioning that that exchange was mostly true to the cited passage, except in context. Jesus used that line to test the faith of a Gentile woman who wanted her child healed, not a prospective disciple/stalker. Chuckie B is basically every single bible character in this game.
After hearing the great news from Gokesus Charlie Brown decides to celebrate with hugs.
Unfortunately his hugging technique involves bare-handed removal of the kidneys.
Matt "The Centurion" Smith is understandably displeased.
Will Charlie Brown learn what grown men do when they think nobody is watching? Will the tortured theology in this game work itself out? Can anything MDickie touches not turn to smug? Find out next time on Jesus Ball Z!