The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament

by General Ironicus

Part 6: Family Ties

Chapter 5: Family Ties

I don't know about you guys but I've had just about enough of this game.

Just take a deep breath, close your eyes, and let go.

Of all the corners cut on this game MDickie thinks to add fall damage? Good Grief indeed.

Roseanne takes pity on us and reminds us of our mission: The Hug Gospel must be spread!

And this place really needs it. Way too violent for my tastes.

This is an illustration of one of the stranger bits of AI. If you run near another character they will run with you in the same direction, more like a footrace than an escape. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. In any case we have to catch up to spread the sweet embrace of our message.

House teaches us to "talk to the hand" because Kutner's not listening.

This whole time we've been working our way back to Nazareth for no discernible reason except the map said so. No matter what else happens this is the biggest problem with the game: YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING. The game objectives are just "go from point A to point B". Its like a slideshow but the advance button is replaced by a terribly awkward walking animation.

For once the plot is not Jesus-centric. He's not even in town.

Next time you see him, can you tell him to return to his family, here in Nazareth?

I've got to give the game credit. This bit actually fits, Then again how hard is it to get "Mary came out and said Jesus should visit home" right?

And just to seal the deal:

Vader as Mary makes more sense than anything. Jesus controls crowds with force pull, carries out holy lobotomies, "clears his mind" to make his magic powers work, is destined to bring balance, and there's the whole connection to midichlorian-induced pregnancy.

Now we seek out Jesus. There will never be a more tedious game. At least we get to spread our message.

Hugs in Galilee!

Siamese twins in Cana!

More hugs in Chorazin!

They still have much to learn.

Please understand that my life is not my own. I'm not a worldly man with worldly responsibilities. I see EVERYONE and EVERYTHING as my 'family'! Yes I love that woman, but no more than any other. Besides I can't go back there now. Too much has changed, they wouldn't understand me. The people you grew up with only see you one way! They're part of the past - not the future...

This part was screwed up. Jesus' response is supposed to be a single sentence but then MDickie goes Kojima all over it and this painfully expository monologue falls out.

Fortunately, all Charlie Brown heard was a muffled trombone.

Next we have to go to Sidon, the third largest city in present-day Lebanon. In The You Testament its completely undeveloped. Apparently ancient Israel was a wasteland.

But at least there's a SNATCHER guard to hug.

By the power of God, I cleanse your diseased flesh! May your outer form be as pure as the soul within.

The minds of these people are as diseased as this man's skin! Let us go to the temple and see them at prayer...

Leprosy is basically bible cooties. It could be worse, in my test playthrough the leper was Barney the Dinosaur. MDickie leaves out the most important part of this story. Jesus is supposed to send the healed man to the temple and tell nobody what happened. This plays out like a PR stunt and makes it clear Gokesus has nothing but contempt for humankind. Your savior hates you.

Anyway the journey made me feel a bit peckish. Being next to the sea, I went fishing.

And it looks so happy!

Gokesus also supports ritual cannibalism.

All energy comes from the sun - whether its the plant that basks in its light or the animal that ate it! If you consume energy at its source then it will be purer and better for your spiritual progress. Eventually, you will discover the benefits of fasting and will barely need to eat at all!

Fuck off. I'm eating it.

That rambling wasn't as pointless as it seemed. Eating the fish and meat lying around on the ground gives less health and negative spirit. However, Jesus failed to mention the benefits of sitting and leaving the keyboard until fully healed. On the other hand, that's probably because its been laying out in the sun rotting instead of any spiritual reason. The vegetarian manifesto is also another for MDickie's Greatest Hits of Tortured Theology:

The Book of Matthew posted:

What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'"

MDickie's Jesus says the exact opposite of the verse he's quoting, and throws in a biology lesson to boot.

Hugs make everything better. My new convert to the Hug Gospel is my favorite result of random characters so far: Anime Sashed Super-Ocelot.

But the jerk is trying to impress Jesus with his meat-free meal choices. The only way to save face is to take the banana before it's too late.