Part 44: Update Forty Two: Fuck You, You Lazy Assholes

Update Forty Two: Fuck You, You Lazy Assholes

Welcome back! Last time, on Final Fantasy IV, we defeated Zeromus and unlocked some bonus stuff to do! Today, we're going to go to the bonus dungeon on Earth and get started there, so let's mosey.



Though, a quick word of warning before we start here; I'm going to be complaining and bitching angrily a lot during this update. I like to think I don't do that very often, so it might be jarring and if it is, I apologize. Hopefully, by the end of it, you can see where my vitriol regarding this place comes from.



Whenever we want to switch people out, we just hit Mysidia and head to the top of the Elder's place.



Just head right through that door.



And the people you can swap in are standing there, patiently waiting, ready to help crack some skulls.



Talk to who you want in your party and...



...Swap out who you don't want. Here, everyone except for Cecil leaves and Cecil will never leave; he's gotta be in the party at all times, which I'm okay with.

And as you can see from Leave's level over there, these guys do catch up with us. They don't get the shaft and stay the same level they were when they left, so it's not as potentially terrible as it could be training them up to be able to hang with the regular cast.



Masa is the only one to stay behind; Leave, Cid, Mune and Champ will be accompanying Cecil first into the bonus dungeon.



Speaking of which...



This White Mage comes bursting into the tower; that pink around the edges of her (his?) robes kind of looks like blood, but I don't think it's supposed to be.





All things considered, I'm impressed if a White Mage made the trek to and fro Mt. Ordeals all on their own. I'm basing their strength off of what the twins looked like when they first joined, if you're wondering why I'm thinking that way.





The "sinister cloud" isn't really all that sinister. Or cloudy.



Apparently, though, the Elder isn't surprised at this news.



And that White Mages takes off, never to be seen again.



More Mysidian legends! The last one got us a spaceship and this one...Oh, this one just pisses me off.



My blood pressure, mostly.



He's using that word lightly, by the way.



And with that, we're now able to go to the Earth bonus dungeon.



I could have sworn I put Leave's old claws in storage with the Fat Chocobo, but apparently, I sold them. I'll have to do a bit of mixing and matching with his gear, but it'll work out.



Thankfully Mune, being basically a smaller Rosa without bows, can equip most of her shit and be set. Due to her level, she also knows every single White Magic spell.

Something fun about the Twins is that they truly are prodigies; they learn their magic spells much faster than Kim and Rosa learn theirs. Kim at least has Summon magic focus as an excuse, but Rosa is just outclassed. However, with that in mind, remember Rosa's archer abilities.

It's starting to seem likely that she was originally going to be an archer with some White Magic, but changed her mind, probably for Cecil. At least, that's the best explanation I can think of for why Mune learns spells faster than she does.



Don't worry, I make Champ useful. It'll just take a bit of finagling.



Though, these two things are the best I can offer him right now. He'll get some body armor soon enough, and I don't even bother to get him the top-tier stuff I can.



Cid's best strength is, well, his Strength. His Stamina is pretty great, too, but he's so Goddamned slow, Champ will double his turns without fail. This also hurts his physical damage, since Agility factors into the number of hits a character gets per attack, he might have some of the best Strength in the group, but he's so slow, he won't hit as much as the others and end up dealing lower damage.

At least he can wear the Dragon stuff. Apparently, I put Cid in the party and he proceeded to kick Bowser in the crotch and strip off his armor. I imagine that Cid is a tad more girthy than Bowser, too, so it might not even fit right; there's just bits of body fat and hair poking out and shit, but it works.



Rosa gives Champ her old bow. The Artemis Bow is actually a rare drop from the Selene Guardians on the Moon; it adds +10 to Strength, Agility and Stamina, while doing a -10 to Intellect and Spirit. It's perfect for Champ, since it lets him hang in the back row, while boosting his damage and making his already insane speed even more loco.



Mune is basically just Heal-Bot (Adorable Version), so she gets all the Spirit boosts I can give her. She also has Holy, so if she needs to drop some fools, she is more than capable of it. I saw her hit an enemy for 9,999 with Holy and it wasn't even weak to it.



Anyways, before we go head on here, guess what I forgot to do.



Apparently, the ominous cloud only shows up when you actually set foot on the mountain. That makes it seem more like an inconvenient fog to me.



The camera pans up to this blank spot of the mountain wall.





Imagine this blasting back and forth for a bit, being rather unimpressive while doing so. You get the idea for what that looks like and the next dungeon.



There's a new door opened up here and there's where we're headed today.



But, yes, I forgot to go get Leave a pair of Claws.



However, Leave's physical prowess is mighty and he can deal respectable numbers without needing to hit elemental weaknesses. Combined with that massive HP total and a good speed, Leave is as solid as he was before; he still has trouble with magical attacks, but every badass needs to have something that can keep them in check.



Anyway, we pop over to Baron real quick-like. Their weapon shop sells just what I'd like. That, and I can't remember if the dwarves sell this stuff and I'm not too concerned about it.



Fire and Thunder Claws are what we pick up for Leave and then hit the armor shop.



Leave's raw HP and natural Stamina would help him survive without some sort of body armor. Champ's being in the back row would help, too, but I'd rather have them equipped with something, as every little bit is important. They'll be getting some upgrades coming up, but it's better to be prepared than to be caught with your pants down.



Okay, now we're ready to go in here.



So far, this starts with some promise. Rooms that look like these have usually led to some suitably awesome stuff, like Cecil's Paladin transformation.







And all that promise is immediately destroyed. What the fuck is this shit, Square? You just can't open a bonus dungeon that way. This would have made more sense if KluYa had been the one opening the way and, to me, justified keeping Cecil in the party.

Instead, it seems like they found a fucking DeVry graduate and gave him a weekend to make this shit up. This just reeks of and laziness, which is bullshit for a bonus dungeon, especially since this bonus dungeon was being added to the most remade Final Fantasy of all time and one that they knew people would pay their hard-earned dollars for.



Looking at this screenshot, you've now seen 95% of all the colors this place has to offer. The enemies are pitiful as well, including King Nagas, Belphegors and some of the enemies we fought in the Sylvan Cave. Cecil can one-shot most of these monsters.



Staircases are also everywhere, instead of having some sort of fun "Sealed inside the Mountain of Ordeals" transportation mode.



Random encounters are also kicked into high gear and they're far more common here than I saw anywhere else. The Moon had a lower encounter rate than this, but not by much, but their enemies were at least worthwhile to fight.



This is also a strong point of evidence as to why this place fucking blows. They make you fight Evil Bats. We're fast enough now that we can usually outspeed them, but just the Goddamned audacity to do this.



And Champ is pulling his weight with that bow. Evil Bats are weak to Throw, yes, which Bows all deal, but still, cut that in half and that's his average damage.



Some of the treasures here are fairly pathetic. In having monsters from the Sylvan Cave, I wish that this dungeon had that same level of difficulty; the Sylvan Cave was a hard cave, yes, but it was never what I'd consider to be unfair.



In this dungeon, though, you could be fifteen levels lower than what I am now and just breeze through it. It's a fucking joke.



A lot of that, I'm sure, comes from, I think, the game designers expecting you to come here first with your new party members and get them kitted out, since they'd still have subpar equipment, while your other people have been naturally gaining new weapons and armor. It's not a bad idea.



However, the biggest slap in the face here is the dungeon itself. It's got eight floors to it, so it's hella long. And this is what it looks like the entire way through. Occasionally, there are rocks that block the path and there are invisible paths everywhere, but it doesn't have the feel of that's how this dungeon was supposed to be, know what I mean? It more feels like they decided to tack this on at some point and then just had some interns phone it in and shit it out without really being concerned with how it ended up.



I'll also say it right now; I don't get every treasure in here this time through. I'll be coming back for those that I missed (and I have to come back anyways). For those of you ready to type up replies about how I missed this or forgot that, get off my nuts, it'll get got.



Onto Floor 2!



Err, Basement 2, rather.







This place is just so fucking boring to look at, too. The color palette is horrendous. At least most other areas had enough color diversity to mesh well and look good, while this is just...Well, it's fucking in dungeon form.





But, let's go get some treasure. Maybe that'll relax me a bit.



...Or not.



Down here, there's a secret passage.



They're all fairly easy to find, usually near a rock or having some other visual indicator that there are to be secret goodies beyond this invisible route.



This battle helps me point out the general area I was in.



Remember these guys? Yeah, me neither. I just wanted to prove that the random encounters were all as shitty as I claimed.



Up and around, we find the first brand-new piece of equipment. It's head armor for Masa, preventing Toad, Mini and Pig, in addition to having +5 Intellect.





I think I missed that chest. I didn't explore super-well in this area.



But, like I said, since I'll be coming back here at least once more, I can pretty much grab the treasure at my leisure.



Immediately in this room, we find a chest teasing us. It's a rather good chest, too, so it's doubly-teasing.



Down over here is another secret passage, which leads to something cool.



It leads over to Mune's ultimate piece of headgear.



It halves Ice damage; she might lose her status resistances, but she also gains +5 Agility. It's not a bad trade-off, as having a faster White Mage means that if we need emergency healing, she's going to be fast enough to (hopefully) solve any emergencies.



Champ gets her old Ribbon. I shuffle a good bit of this gear around these guys.



Anyways, heading left from that secret passage takes us to...



Not another secret passage, that's for damn sure.





Heading south, we can see the Cat Hood chest, in case we had missed the path for it. This dungeon, for as much as I dislike it, is pretty fair about keeping you up to date on where the treasure chests are, even if they don't mark the path for you.







Chests that just hang out in the open usually have something lackluster, compared to the other chests. A Remedy isn't an awful item to find, since there are Malboros running around here.



Passage here, it would seem.





And it leads to the chest we saw when we entered.



In addition to preventing Paralysis, this mask also adds +5 to Leave's Strength. I think he has 96 Strength at this point.



Cid snags a pretty Ribbon to go with that Dragon Mail he's wearing.





From what I saw, we got all the treasures in this room, so we're free to continue on.





We head south from the entrance to this room, as I'm wandering around without a clear plan.



I really should have busted out a guide, just to be sure, but I'm not too concerned about it.







Then again, these treasures are easy enough to find that a guide is probably not needed.



Champ gets his first bit of unique gear from here. It halves Fire damage, while also adding +10 Stamina to our Bard. He's quickly becoming a formidable fighter and we're not even into the good stuff for him yet.



To the right from that chest, there's a free Cottage.



We head up and around, going right this time.









Now, this could come in handy at some point. If I ever decide to snag me some Pink Tails, I'll need all the Sirens I can get.

And then, probably all the shots I can get after I continuously fail to find a Pink Tail.



Heading back and up, we come to this area.



Not exactly the most subtle with hiding their secret passages.



Though, it does loop around, so it's kind of tricky.





The Courageous Suit is pretty awesome; it prevents Curse, adds +10 Strength, Agility and Stamina and, presumably, makes Leave look pretty fly and stylish.



And on to the next floor!



Oh, look, a fight!



I hated these guys in the Sylvan Cave and my feelings have not changed a bit. At least they're easier to kill here.





We head south and then left from that Remedy.





There's also some other monsters in here that used to make me scream in terror.



These guys used to be massive fuckers.





However, they only have 3,400 HP and Cecil doesn't give a shit about that.



It's very satisfying to one-shot a Chimaera Brain.



Over on the other side, there is--



SURPRISE A SECRET PASSAGE



But, damn, it didn't lead to that chest.



It lead to this one, though. This is another bit of equipment for Masa, foreshadowing his desire in life.



Heading north from that passage, we immediately spy another one.



Now, I don't know why a five year old girl gets the Lord's Robe, but I won't complain, as it adds +10 Stamina and +10 Spirit. She's damn near at the cap for Spirit now.



Back through the passage and over to the right, the stairs to the next floor is just north of us.



We're almost done here. This place, really, isn't very long, but it seems longer than it is, since encounters are just so damn frequent.



We head to the right.





And up a staircase and we head to the left.



Someone compared these to an RPG Maker dungeon and he has no idea how right he is. I was trying to explain it to another friend and he didn't quite understand how terrible that really is.

I hope you get it now.





Either you're seeing Cecil's cape whip into that secret passage or Donkey Kong is driving around in here and throwing bananas to impede my progress.





This thing is pretty great and not because it boosts Cid's kickass Defense and gives him half-damage from Lightning. It also adds +5 Spirit, which is nice, but also +5 Agility. Now, that doesn't seem like much, but considering that a fart with lumps could outspeed Cid, any boost to his agility is a good boost.



Oh, we can barely see part of another chest.







North, from there, would lead to the exit. South leads to another treasure chest.



These aren't as amazing as they once were, but it's still a very nice thing to find. Thankfully, only Mune really needs these at this point, so her MP is effectively infinite for this part.



We head north and hit the penultimate floor.



To the left and right, there are treasure chests.





I'd say that they're worth it. For those not in the know, a Megalixir is basically an Elixir, but it covers the entire party. They're very handy in high-emergency situations, as they can turn the tide of battle.





And here we are, on the final floor of this place.



If you look on the left and the right, you can see a Harp and a pair of Claws. The weapons here are pretty awesome for the character who wields them; there's one for each of the "new" guys and they have to be here when you collect it.



Being able to warp out after coming this far is great, too.



But, the other spot is a save point and where we're calling it quittin' time for today.



Before we go too far, though, let's get some stat shots of our guys.



Leave is just built like a brick shithouse and can hit like the Hulk. He's also fairly fast, but, as usual, magic is going to utterly ruin his day.



Mune is great at doing what she does best. She might not have a ton of health, but she's really great at restoring any health that is lost. She's fairly speedy about it, too, so she's definitely good to have along in case things go bad. That massive Spirit score also makes her Holy spell do wonderful things, so she is capable of pushing something's shit in, if it needs shit-pushing.



Cecil hasn't changed much. I have nothing new to say about him, so next!



Champ is not a piece of shit. He's extremely fast and he's got a good bit of Strength to help with his attacks. He ran out of arrows during this slog, so his attack power isn't accurately reflect there, but even so, he's got some solid stats, considering he doesn't need the last two.

And Champ is just going to get better from here on out. Just you fucking wait.



And last, but certainly not least, we have Cid. He has incredible Stamina and his HP is through the fucking roof. He hits fairly hard through natural Strength alone, but his Agility just kills him. At least he can take physical hits really well, but, like Leave, make any sort of magical gestures at him and he's probably going to hit the dirt.



Alright, next time, we'll be picking up some of these bonus weapons! But who's do we get first? We've already seen this bonus dungeon, so now, it's up to you to decide who's weapons come first. Or I could just do them all in one update, if you'd like that better. Discuss amongst yourselves, figure out what'll make you happy, and let me know!