Part 42

yes, everyones FAVORITE part of the game, Xen!


so basically to get around here you gotta long jump to the other floating platforms


these floating platforms kinda weird me out to be honest


look! Bigfoot!


nevermind, its just one of these faggots


also found scattered throughout Xen are dead scientists in full-body HEV suits. They look just like gordon's except with a totally rad helmet. makes me jealous


p.s. i forgot to mention this earlier, but Xen has really low gravity, which means i can jump really high and i can longjump RIDICULOUSLY far. like at least 100 feet.


so here what you gots ta do is jump on these floating stone platforms (which are rotating by the way) until you get down onto that big... thing down there.


due to the low gravity and just getting used to the longjump, you may often find it difficult to land on the platforms


shit


if you fall off the edge into space the game just fades to black and you start from your last save.


this might seem kind of "cool" or "interesting" at first, but trust me: ITS NOT. the novelty of being in Xen wears off after 5 minutes


well eventually i land down here on this... thing.


i jump on a platform and look inside. im not entirely sure what to say.


the good news is i never have to fight another soldier again. the bad news is every gay annoying enemy you were glad to be done with is back: WITH A VENGEANCE.


so these weird crystal things are basically like alien turrets and they shoot you with bolts of electricity. they are invincible and annoying as all hell


if youre extraordinarily lucky you might find one of these healing packs occasionally. i dont want to pick it up though, because my health is at a HILARIOUS number right now lol


so basically for lighting in Xen they have these weird plant things


if you get too close it turns off and retracts into the ground. kind of reminds me of a snail's eyes


one nice thing about Xen is these healing pools. if you stand in them your health slowly climbs back up to 100


haha look at this poor bastard. he died like two feet away from the healing pool. sucks to be that jackass


i guess the theme they were going for here is "giant moldy space potatoes"


do you see that tiny, incredibly easy to miss hole down there? that's where i have to go next.


inside the cave thing are more of these


what the hell? what is going on here? what is that thing?


well i cant kill it so i guess its not a bad guy


what the fuck is this? theres like three of them in this room


i can activate it, but it doesnt seem to do anything at first


i have to activate all three of them and then release some bug things which fly over and activate them to do... something.


which causes a bunch of energy to flow to the center


which causes a bunch of stalagmites and stalactites to form for some reason


so am i supposed to jump in it or something? thats the problem with Xen, nothing is self explanatory. its all about trial and error, and 99% of the time that error is dying horribly


well i jump in and the screen flashes green, so i guess it was a teleporter


wait, that was it? that was the whole chapter? that was like five minutes long! whatever. i guess im at the "Gonarch's Lair" now.


so whats the dealio here?


i kill a couple headcrabs. i can hear something rumbling in the distance but i cant tell what it is


i wonder what happened to this guy


whats that? looks like something over there is moving


WHAT. THE. FUCK.


what the fuck IS that thing? it's enormous! its shaking around like its having some kind of seizure and it makes sounds like an elephant getting raped by a T-Rex


oh jesus it just ejaculated a bunch of shit from it's head


what the hell is this? baby headcrabs? that's retarded


it's jizz is highly toxic


HOLY FUCK! it smacks me once and kills me, sending me flying across the map


so yeah. tune in next time when we'll brave the Gonads Lair or whatever