Part 23: MessengerPreviously on Dumb Jerk Neptune some stupid stuff happened in Leanbox, which is a really shitty world with the worst goddess. Now on Hypermoron Nepstupida
That might have been a bit much.
No, I think it was just right.
So this whole thing in Leanbox is over for now? What terrible pacing.
Still, it means the loser crew returned to Lowee, which is obviously the greatest of lands. And, I guess some crazy bitch attacked them?
Video- The Messenger
Whoa, another stalker! Whats up with your laugh, seriously?! What do you want?
Right, you wouldnt remember. I am the notorious Overlord Momuss messenger!
Your act is a grievous sin against the great Overlord! Youll go no further until you face your punishment!
Youll really need to be more specific than that.
Boss Battle: ???
Were fighting this weird witch lady again, and shes definitely a bit more threatening this time around. Shes got a lot of health and hits pretty hard. Still, you should probably be able to handle this if youve been keeping up with your levels. Its just an Event scene, so you dont have to worry about doing a dungeon before dragging your health down.
I have no idea what point youre trying to make but you should probably stop there.
Wait, weve totally seen her before, right? So, shes the Overlords messenger
We still dont know if its a big lie or not. Though, she does know you and keeps popping up. Yet another Nep-Nep addict!
I hope not. Why dont any of them go after someone besides Nep? Someone more worth stalking?
Right, gotcha. So, your land is kinda weird.
Yeah. Oh, theres a sign. It says Shroom Kingdom.
Huh? Shroom Kingdom ? They must make real tasty mushroom dishes! Oh, hey, a turtle!
Thats one mighty big turtle Will eating mushrooms make em grow like that?
Turtle: I am a carnivore! I dont eat no shrooms!
H-He talked! Is it a monster..?
Turtle: I am Wowser, King of the Woopa Twoopa, and ruler of Shroom Kingdom!
Wowser? Youre just a spiky-shelled turtle, right?
Turtle: Did you just make fun of me?! You did! Raaawr!
Whoa, did he just spit three fireballs at us?!
Okay. Thats no normal turtle. He could be dangerous. Wheres he going?
Twins: Come back here, Wowser!
Turtle: Tsk. Them again?
Whoa, didja see that?! What sorta turtle can leap like a froggy?
Th-That was scary. Whats going on in this trippy place?
Who knows. Hmm ? Something smells really good
Yeah Its making me hungry. What could it be?
Oh! The mushrooms hit by that turtles fireballs are all perfectly grilled.
Its really perfectly normal. And wait, this is starting to get ominously familiar.
Aw crap, this is about to suck.
Video- Newtype Showdown
We should capture her and ask what Nep did to her next time. Shes gotta know something!
Howre we gonna do that? Shes kinda tough, yknow? I dunno if we can capture her all that easily.
You dont have to be worried. Were a party. You have all of us!
Ooh, I havent heard that kinda talk from you in a while! Thanks, Compa and Iffy. Oh, geez, lookit that! The Newtype!
Neptune Im so glad to see you. I thought you left Lowee already.
Now that Ive finally found you I wont let you go!
I mean no offense intended but how many times have you attacked her now and lost?
Boss Battle: White Heart
Were fighting White Heart again, except this time she hits hard enough to one round weaker characters like 5pb, Red, or Compa if she decides to hit them both times. Luckily this is an event battle, so you get to start it at full health. You might need to do some random dungeons before this if you havent been keeping your levels high, she can be surprisingly nasty.
Okay first offense taken, asshole. Second, it wasnt my fault. I got a leg cramp, thats it.
You bet! Get her from both sides!
Stop that! Shes not a stray cat. Shes just a girl, like us. We shouldnt gang up on her like this! Were not bullies.
Whew, finally! Iffys gonna interrogate the heck outta ya, so you best be prepared to cry and confess!
D-Dont put this on me! Nep cant remember her past. Please tell her anything you know. From elementary school, ideally.
I dont know anything!
Aw, dammit! This is because you two jumped her like delinquents! Thanks for making this all the more difficult.
Also seriously I get that theyd never actually seen me when we were talking but how dumb do they have to be for what happened next?
Video- Blanc and Neptune
I dont even have the energy left to stay transformed after a battle.
How funny would it be for me to get lost in my own forest and starve to death on my own land ?
Its all Neptunes damn fault.
Im concerned about the Extremists actions. This is the absolute worst time to be away from the Basilicom.
This is also Neptunes damn fault.
Walking in the snow is hard as shit. This is probably that damn Neptunes fault too!
Um, did someone say my name? Compa?
No, not me. I think its coming from over there. It might be a lost child Ill go take a look!
Wait, but they should know your voice and all that swearing and
A girl! Her hands are freezing Were you walking through the forest alone? Its okay, well take you to town.
Im fine. I can walk on my own. Go away.
No can do! There are a lot of monsters wandering around. Its so dangerous! Dangerous, you hear me?
Just let me know where you live and well help you get there. Dont be shy! Come with me.
I said to leave me the hell alone! I dont need a frickin pity party!
H-Huh? Listen to yourself A cute girl should never talk like that!
Whassup, Compa? You find someone? Oooh, is this her? Is she lost?!
N-Neptune ! Anyway, Im leaving. Bye.
Absolutely no can do! Its safer to stick with us. Im gonna be a very mad Compa if you dont listen.
Youre lost, huh? Stay with us, okies? Its much safer.
Otherwise, Compas gonna have a lotta sleepless nights worrying about you.
I told you to leave me alone. Im not lost. I can get back by myself, dammit.
You dont gotta act tough. Captain Iffy! Weve taken a lost girl hostage and stuff!
You did what? Found someone? Then lets take her back with us real quick. Im starting to get cold.
Agreed! Lets get back to town. All hands, retreat!
Hey, listen to me, dammit! Are you kidding me?! Lemme go!
Yeah youd think but they had no clue who I was.
Youre like a ceramic doll sittin there. But youre not a doll, yknow? Say some stuff! Or do I gotta pull a string?
Iffy, my coaxing isnt working. Theres only one option left! Tickle fight!
Why dont you two take a little walk outside? Maybe shell loosen up once she feels more comfortable.
You want me and her to go? Alone? Y-You sure? Why? H-hey, Iffy!
Bye-bye, have fun!
Iffy, why did you let them go alone?
Its nerve-wracking to talk when so many eyes are lasered in on you. Neps perfect for this, since shes not threatening.
I just cant believe her, after what happened.
Sure. Im all outta cash, though. How about you treat me?
Well, duh! Im so generous and awesome when Iffys not around. Lets try to drain my wallet!
Lets start at the crepe shop!
Hello-hello, can I get a chocolate crepe? Mmmm, there was a crepe shop near the last inn I stayed at, too.
I didnt think Id be lucky enough to find one nearby again!
Compa loves butter sugar and Iffy gets all starry-eyed over custard. Shes such a baby, huh?
Dont wanna talk yet? I get really talkative when Im full.
Still, free crepe. Cant complain about that, right?
Whoa! Thats way harsh! Buh-wha? Goddess?
Ignore it. Its better for me that youre so damn dense anyway. One less rival.
Huh? What? I wanna know even more now! Where I was born, or what Ive been up to!
If you find out, you wouldnt be able to run from battles or responsibility. You really hate responsibility, huh?
Would sayin yeah make me a pretty poopy person?
I didnt imagine youd even think like that.
Just forget it. Youve hated responsibilities since the start. It doesnt matter either way.
Okay, then yeah, I dont like responsibilities! They gimme way too much stress.
I dont think anyone does, but youre at least honest. Its so like you.
I dont think you should try to get your memories back. Its better this way. For the world. For yourself.
What? So you think I oughta stay like this?
Youre too irresponsible.
Ugh! Youre being a meanie.
No Im not.
Oh yeah, she bought me a dessert. This totally makes up for all the awful bullshit shes put me through. Also seriously getting the inside track on how these morons operate just makes me feel more pathetic that I keep losing.
No! Shes part of our party now. Shes going to help us.
The more, the merrier, I guess. But still, we cant involve a civilian.
Normal people, besides Compa, are generally useless in battle.
Was that supposed to be a compliment, or ?
Yeah, sure. Im, uh, praising your bravery for charging into battle against monsters with a hilariously oversized syringe.
Youre definitely mocking me!
So obviously you snuck out as soon as they were gone.
Boss Battle: Ubelluris
This guy is a real pain in the ass. Hes not got that much health really but he hits like an absolute train. Do your best to kill him as quickly as possible, and be ready to switch people out and leave them out if theyre really low. You probably want to save before you fight him, too, because hes not the end of this dungeon
No shit, I mean for once I knew exactly where theyd be.
Video- The Newtype Flies Again
Wait. I see a familiar shadow. Nep, Compa, looks like weve got to pull a little overtime.
Shes not acting like before. She doesnt look like shes here to fight.
Oh, shes pulling somethin out. Shes holding it up. Shes comin towards us! Okay, yeah, I was wrong.
And, howd that go?
Boss Battle: White Heart
And we fight White Heart again. Shes even stronger and youre guaranteed to be injured when you get here, so this is by far the hardest fight so far in the game. Just do your best, and be ready to reload a save and level up if its just not working.
Ill admit it could have gone better.
No, not yet! Once more!
No way, kiddo! Were not here to bully weak people.
Whyd you have to shoot off your hungry little mouth and make the situation worse?
Shut up! I dont ever wanna hear you say that shit to me! You didnt want anything to do with it. You ran!
Whoa! Whats this?! Wh-Whatre you talkin about? Whatd I run from?
Everything! Because youre so damn honest! You just wanted to run from everything.
I aint gonna let you win this. Now, just shut up and let me defeat you! Dont ask just just !
Especially once that stupid bitch started going off about the awesome adventure shes having while the rest of us are picking up her damn slack!
How can you let your excuse be something so trivial?!
Its not trivial! I dunno what youre referring to, and I guess I dont wanna. Its my life and it means a lot to me!
So youre running. Again. You dont wanna know? Because youre a frickin scared coward. Thats why, Im
That was a pretty dramatic discussion for you. Real heated and emotional. You done?
Yep. I didnt learn nothin, but Im done.
Okay, then shall we commence tickle torture until she spills some good info?
No, dont! I told her I didnt wanna know anything anymore. Were you even listening?
Yeah, yeah. Im just joking. Personally, Im still curious, but its your business.
Thats right. If Nep-Nep is okay not knowing, then Ill stop being nosy, too.
You mean you were curious, too?
Of course! Your past sounds so fun, like its full of upside-downs and inside-outs!
Im pretty sure you mean ups and downs and ins and outs.
Next Time On Neptune the Moron: Alchemy! Oh great team moron gets another member.
Brought to you by Lady White Heart.