Part 23: Messenger

Previously on Dumb Jerk Neptune some stupid stuff happened in Leanbox, which is a really shitty world with the worst goddess. Now on Hypermoron Nepstupida…

That might have been a bit much.



No, I think it was just right.



So this whole thing in Leanbox is over for now? What terrible pacing.



Still, it means the loser crew returned to Lowee, which is obviously the greatest of lands. And, I guess some crazy bitch attacked them?

Video- The Messenger

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Whoa, another stalker! What’s up with your laugh, seriously?! What do you want?
Right, you wouldn’t remember. I am the notorious Overlord Momus’s messenger!
Your act is a grievous sin against the great Overlord! You’ll go no further until you face your punishment!

You’ll really need to be more specific than that.



Boss Battle: ???
We’re fighting this weird witch lady again, and she’s definitely a bit more threatening this time around. She’s got a lot of health and hits pretty hard. Still, you should probably be able to handle this if you’ve been keeping up with your levels. It’s just an Event scene, so you don’t have to worry about doing a dungeon before dragging your health down.

I have no idea what point you’re trying to make but you should probably stop there.



Wait, we’ve totally seen her before, right? So, she’s the Overlord’s messenger…
We still don’t know if it’s a big lie or not. Though, she does know you and keeps popping up. Yet another Nep-Nep addict!
I hope not. Why don’t any of them go after someone besides Nep? Someone more… worth stalking?

Right, gotcha. So, your land is kinda weird.



Yeah. Oh, there’s a sign. It says ‘Shroom Kingdom.’
Huh? ‘Shroom Kingdom…?’ They must make real tasty mushroom dishes! Oh, hey, a turtle!
That’s one mighty big turtle… Will eating mushrooms make ‘em grow like that?
Turtle: I am a carnivore! I don’t eat no shrooms!
H-He talked! Is it a monster..?
Turtle: I am Wowser, King of the Woopa Twoopa, and ruler of Shroom Kingdom!
Wowser? You’re just a spiky-shelled turtle, right?
Turtle: Did you just make fun of me?! You did! Raaawr!
Whoa, did he just spit three fireballs at us?!
Okay. That’s no normal turtle. He could be dangerous. Where’s he going?
Twins: Come back here, Wowser!
Stoooop!
Turtle: Tsk. Them again?
Whoa, didja see that?! What sorta turtle can leap like a froggy?
Th-That was scary. What’s going on in this trippy place?
Who knows. Hmm…? Something smells… really good…
Yeah… It’s making me hungry. What could it be?
Oh! The mushrooms hit by that turtle’s fireballs are all perfectly grilled.
…

It’s really perfectly normal. And wait, this is starting to get ominously familiar.



Aw crap, this is about to suck.

Video- Newtype Showdown

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We should capture her and ask what Nep did to her next time. She’s gotta know something!
How’re we gonna do that? She’s kinda tough, y’know? I dunno if we can capture her all that easily.
You don’t have to be worried. We’re a party. You have all of us!
Ooh, I haven’t heard that kinda talk from you in a while! Thanks, Compa and Iffy. Oh, geez, lookit that! The Newtype!
…Neptune… I’m so glad to see you. I thought you left Lowee already.
…Now that I’ve finally found you… I won’t let you go!

I mean no offense intended but how many times have you attacked her now and lost?



Boss Battle: White Heart
We’re fighting White Heart again, except this time she hits hard enough to one round weaker characters like 5pb, Red, or Compa if she decides to hit them both times. Luckily this is an event battle, so you get to start it at full health. You might need to do some random dungeons before this if you haven’t been keeping your levels high, she can be surprisingly nasty.

Okay first offense taken, asshole. Second, it wasn’t my fault. I got a leg cramp, that’s it.



You bet! Get her from both sides!
…Urk?!
Stop that! She’s not a stray cat. She’s just a girl, like us. We shouldn’t gang up on her like this! We’re not bullies.
Whew, finally! Iffy’s gonna interrogate the heck outta ya, so you best be prepared to cry and confess!
D-Don’t put this on me! Nep can’t remember her past. Please tell her anything you know. From elementary school, ideally.
Iffy!
…I don’t know anything!
Aw, dammit! This is because you two jumped her like delinquents! Thanks for making this all the more difficult.

Also seriously I get that they’d never actually seen me when we were talking but how dumb do they have to be for what happened next?

Video- Blanc and Neptune

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…I don’t even have the energy left to stay transformed after a battle.
…How funny would it be for me to get lost in my own forest and starve to death on my own land…?
It’s… all Neptune’s damn fault.
…I’m concerned about the Extremists’ actions. This is the absolute worst time to be away from the Basilicom.
This… is also Neptune’s damn fault.
…Walking in the snow is hard as shit. This is probably that damn Neptune’s fault too!
Um, did someone say my name? Compa?
No, not me. I think it’s coming from over there. It might be a lost child… I’ll go take a look!

Wait, but they should know your voice and all that swearing and…



A girl! Her hands are freezing… Were you walking through the forest alone? It’s okay, we’ll take you to town.
…I’m fine. I can walk on my own. Go away.
No can do! There are a lot of monsters wandering around. It’s so dangerous! Dangerous, you hear me?
Just let me know where you live and we’ll help you get there. Don’t be shy! Come with me.
I said to leave me the hell alone! I don’t need a frickin’ pity party!
H-Huh? Listen to yourself… A cute girl should never talk like that!
Whassup, Compa? You find someone? Oooh, is this her? Is she lost?!
N-Neptune…! Anyway, I’m leaving. Bye.
Absolutely no can do! It’s safer to stick with us. I’m gonna be a very mad Compa if you don’t listen.
You’re lost, huh? Stay with us, okies? It’s much safer.
Otherwise, Compa’s gonna have a lotta sleepless nights worrying about you.
…I told you to leave me alone. I’m not lost. I can get back by myself, dammit.
You don’t gotta act tough. Captain Iffy! We’ve taken a lost girl hostage and stuff!
…You did what? Found someone? Then let’s take her back with us real quick. I’m starting to get cold.
Agreed! Let’s get back to town. All hands, retreat!
Hey, listen to me, dammit! Are you kidding me?! Lemme go!

Yeah you’d think but they had no clue who I was.



…
You’re like a ceramic doll sittin’ there. But you’re not a doll, y’know? Say some stuff! Or do I gotta pull a string?
Iffy, my coaxing isn’t working. There’s only one option left! Tickle fight!
…?! N-No…
Why don’t you two take a little walk outside? Maybe she’ll loosen up once she feels more comfortable.
You want me and her to go? Alone? Y-You sure? Why? H-hey, Iffy!
…Huh? Hey…
Bye-bye, have fun!
Iffy, why did you let them go alone?
It’s nerve-wracking to talk when so many eyes are lasered in on you. Nep’s perfect for this, since she’s not threatening.

I just can’t believe her, after what happened.



…Sure. I’m all outta cash, though. How about you treat me?
Well, duh! I’m so generous and awesome when Iffy’s not around. Let’s try to drain my wallet!
Let’s start at the crepe shop!
Hello-hello, can I get a chocolate crepe? Mmmm, there was a crepe shop near the last inn I stayed at, too.
I didn’t think I’d be lucky enough to find one nearby again!
…Apple cinnamon.
Compa loves butter sugar and Iffy gets all starry-eyed over custard. She’s such a baby, huh?
…
Don’t wanna talk yet? I get really talkative when I’m full.

Still, free crepe. Can’t complain about that, right?



Whoa! That’s way harsh! Buh-wha? Goddess?
…Ignore it. It’s better for me that you’re so damn dense anyway. One less rival.
Huh? What? I wanna know even more now! Where I was born, or what I’ve been up to!
If you find out, you wouldn’t be able to run from battles… or responsibility. You really hate responsibility, huh?
Would sayin’ yeah make me a pretty poopy person?
…I didn’t imagine you’d even think like that.
Just… forget it. You’ve hated responsibilities since the start. It doesn’t matter either way.
Okay, then yeah, I don’t like responsibilities! They gimme way too much stress.
…I don’t think anyone does, but you’re at least honest. It’s so like you.
I don’t think you should try to get your memories back. It’s better this way. For the world. For yourself.
What? So you think I oughta stay like this?
…You’re too irresponsible.
…Ugh! You’re being a meanie.
…No I’m not.

Oh yeah, she bought me a dessert. This totally makes up for all the awful bullshit she’s put me through. Also seriously getting the inside track on how these morons operate just makes me feel more pathetic that I keep losing.



…
No! She’s part of our party now. She’s going to help us.
The more, the merrier, I guess. But still, we can’t involve a civilian.
Normal people, besides Compa, are generally useless in battle.
Was that supposed to be a compliment, or…?
Yeah, sure. I’m, uh, praising your bravery for charging into battle against monsters with a hilariously oversized syringe.
You’re definitely mocking me!

So obviously you snuck out as soon as they were gone.



Boss Battle: Ubelluris
This guy is a real pain in the ass. He’s not got that much health really but he hits like an absolute train. Do your best to kill him as quickly as possible, and be ready to switch people out and leave them out if they’re really low. You probably want to save before you fight him, too, because he’s not the end of this dungeon…

No shit, I mean for once I knew exactly where they’d be.

Video- The Newtype Flies Again

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Wait. I see a familiar shadow. Nep, Compa, looks like we’ve got to pull a little overtime.
…
She’s not acting like before. She doesn’t look like she’s here to fight.
Oh, she’s pulling somethin’ out. She’s holding it up. She’s comin’ towards us! Okay, yeah, I was wrong.

And, how’d that go?



Boss Battle: White Heart
And we fight White Heart again. She’s even stronger and you’re guaranteed to be injured when you get here, so this is by far the hardest fight so far in the game. Just do your best, and be ready to reload a save and level up if it’s just not working.

I’ll admit it could have gone better.



…No, not yet! Once more!
No way, kiddo! We’re not here to bully weak people.
…Weak? Me?
Why’d you have to shoot off your hungry little mouth and make the situation worse?
…Shut up! I don’t ever wanna hear you say that shit to me! You didn’t want anything to do with it. You ran!
Whoa! What’s this?! Wh-What’re you talkin’ about? What’d I run from?
Everything! Because you’re so damn honest! You just wanted to run from everything.
I ain’t gonna let you win this. Now, just shut up and let me defeat you! Don’t ask… just… just…!

Especially once that stupid bitch started going off about the awesome adventure she’s having while the rest of us are picking up her damn slack!



How can you let your excuse be something so trivial?!
It’s not trivial! I dunno what you’re referring to, and I guess I don’t wanna. It’s my life and it means a lot to me!
…So you’re running. Again. You don’t wanna know? Because you’re a frickin’ scared coward. That’s why, I’m…
…That was a pretty dramatic discussion for you. Real heated and emotional. You done?
Yep. I didn’t learn nothin’, but I’m done.
Okay, then shall we commence tickle torture until she spills some good info?
No, don’t! I told her I didn’t wanna know anything anymore. Were you even listening?
Yeah, yeah. I’m just joking. Personally, I’m still curious, but it’s your business.
That’s right. If Nep-Nep is okay not knowing, then I’ll stop being nosy, too.
…You mean you were curious, too?
Of course! Your past sounds so fun, like it’s full of upside-downs and inside-outs!
I’m pretty sure you mean ‘ups and downs’ and ‘ins and outs.’

Next Time On Neptune the Moron: Alchemy! Oh great team moron gets another member.

Brought to you by Lady White Heart.