The Let's Play Archive

Planet Alcatraz

by bhlaab

Part 3: Climbing the Prison Ladder


When we last left Boar he was captured and thrown into a prison camp before the warden gave him the order to go to the factory and hit all of the rats with a 2x4. Boar magnamiously accepted. You could argue he'd done it to curry favor with the guards. Or, maybe make a few friends among us cons.

Me, I think he did it just to feel normal again, if only for a short while.

It probably helped that there were containers to loot there. I'm sure nobody in prison will notice that all of the extra clothing and cat carrots went missing around the same time Boar was the only one to enter the building.

...And from the sunlight come the vultures.

It's you lucky day. I have a carrot in my pocket

Perhaps Boar had been wrong about the prison economy. If a handful of weed is worth exactly one carrot then Boar is at a clear advantage.

Heading back to Pusher, Boar sells off the weed and uniforms he stole found in return for a cigarette for Bully and a couple of shivs because, hey, two shivs.

Again, no screenshots, but here's how the deal with Bully went down:


Bully: Hey, do you have a cigarette?
Boar: Yes.
Bully: Thanks, here are 30 coins.
Me: I did not realize coins were a thing.

Preoccupied with thoughts of how difficult it would be to dual-wield shivs, Boar high-tails it back to the bossman.

Wow, I've been a prisoner for 20 minutes and I've already been promoted to guard! This is the best justice system ever!

First OFFICIAL guard business Boar has to do is get all of the foremen to sign the warden's "Bring Back Arrested Development" petition. Piece of cake, if there's one thing blue collar workers love it's a peppy, quick-witted sitcom.

Things get so spirited that all of Boar's bosses decide to go flying around the building.

First up for a signature is Smokey, Boar's old boss in the coal foundry. Ahh, old Smokey. If there's one man you can count on to deliver, it's Smokey. They go way back, Boar and Smokey. Good ol' Smokey.

How I hate him!

Oh, okay. A replacement. That makes sense. I mean, not everyone can have a cushy seat on the bullet train to success. Someone has to be the 99% sent to die of black lung disease.

And thank God that man is Corporal Varod and not Boar!

I suppose I have no choice, then. By the way, what's your name?
No, not that name! The one your mother gave you.
Oh. Um, umm.
(Damn, that's a good question)
Oh. I thought you looked familiar, but I guess you're not who I was thinking of.
(I hope that wasn't important)

As he walked the prisoner to a miserable final days spent sucking in coaldust and working without food nor respite, Boar got to thinking. He'd spent years in Vampire Squad and Deathmatch Academy, but he never recalled a Corporal Varod. Of course, having not read the manual he didn't quite recall much before jumping into a goo pod while awful East European techno played.

A twinge of emotion rose and fell across Boar's spine. Something about benefitting from Varod's suffering rubbed Boar the wrong way.

In his meteoric rise to the top of the prison ladder has Boar become... a narc???

Conflicted, but with duty in mind, he heads to the assembly yard to get Screwdriver's signature. It's right next door, after all. Maybe he'll tell Boar that story about how he got his name (probably has something to do with screwdrivers)

hello mister driver my name is boar are you a fan of comedy with an intellectual edge

So let me get this straight, you want me to kill the most popular, beloved, and harmless inmate on my first day inside because he stole a pen.

Give me something to work with here, Screwdriver.

This deal gets worse all the time.