Part 16: Update Sixteen: Of Cakes and CocksuckersLast time on Super Mario RPG, we finished off Booster's Tower, creamed a pair of clowns, and ran up a hill quite shittily. Now, we have to rescue Toadstool before she and Booster tie the knot and we all have to hail King Booster. So, let's get this show on the road.
Marrymore is very efficient. Their item shop and Inn are the same place.
I dropped 200 Coins to stay in the fancy Suite and tipped the bellboy 10 Coins, if you're wondering why I don't have max money. I'll go into more detail about Marrymore's Inn at a later time (perhaps a bonus update?)
Anyways, all get new weapons, except for Bowser. His Chomp is one point of Attack better than this store's, and everyone keeps their Work Pants. I also buy a B'Tub Ring here, for later, and sell off some items I won't be needing. I stock up on syrup, as I like using my special attacks.
We definitely cover the famous part. I guess I qualify as rich, too. I definitely had more wealth than the Mushroom Kingdom.
Outside, trouble is afoot. I wonder who those kids in dark clothes could be.
I've heard of throwing people out, but this is ridiculous.
Unfortunately, Bowser doesn't smash this door down. Though, if someone wants to get a sketch of Bowser breaking into a church up, I will definitely buy them a new avatar.*
This is why I'm doing this. I will not let a child piss himself just because Booster's a douche.
Oh, and I guess I gotta save the Princess, too.
I just easily sympathize with people who have bladder issues. I bruised mine. Sometimes, when I'm peeing, it spasms and it hurts--Oh, sorry. The secret entrance is to the left here.
Only a secret entrance due to perspective, but still. Also, all doors are very nice in Marrymore.
Unfortunately, these are not renegades from Bowser's Koopa Troop. They are just a pair of Terrapins who decided that the culinary arts were where their futures laid.
Or maybe Bowser doesn't accept foreigners in his army. Who knows?
Or this! Suck it, Booster!
Okay, they do not appreciate my bullshit.
Time to crash a wedding! Where's Vince Vaughn when you need him?
Well, this confirms it for me. I've been beating up the mentally handicapped.
Though, is it bad if they deserve it?
I'm about to make like a tree and beat your ass.
What's Booster going to do? I'm sure I could toss one of my Coins at his feet and put him out of commission.
He tries to get in the next room, but instead, bounces himself off the door. Somehow.
Yeah, Mrs. Linderman's class is definitely missing a student.
Though, I'm assuming her special needs class did improve some sort of cognitive function here.
We hit the door...
And make a spectacular breakthrough. Also, bet you $10 that Snifit shit his pants.
Being rude is more important to Booster than the guy who's been actively hampering his plans for the last two hours. Good to see his priorities are in line.
I'm surprised they haven't lost her somehow. Or that she hasn't outsmarted them.
Oh, whatever will we do now.
Ah, there's the respect he deserves.
Oh, they're about to. A Chomp-swinging, fire-breathin', princess-snatchin son of a bitch!
Oh, Bowser. Knock 'em dead, buddy.
Hrm. Looks like he could use a hand.
Sweet. We're in.
For a second, I was worried that we had killed her.
Looks like we knocked her socks off!
The Snifits are really dedicated to Booster. It's kind of sweet, in a stupid way.
Toadstool is just havin' one hell of a day.
And she's crying again! I never heard about her cryin' when Bowser kidnapped her.
Booster, do you not understand emotions? Crying does not equal impatience. Though, this might be Exhibit "E" for Booster being a goon.
It seems like my shots are out of order here, but they're not, I swear. This is how the dialog comes up in game. It just seems bizarrely disjointed. Was the Japanese version of this scene like this, too?
Oh, I wonder.
Well, that's certainly one way...to put it.
Like she has a bridal broadsword or some shit?
Oh, Booster, aren't you in for a surprise.
I know we're off camera, but does that have to mean that the characters' fields of vision are limited by that?
It is a nice day for a white wedding, I s'pose.
Hell, maybe it's even a nice day to start again.
...Y'know, Booster being a trucker would explain so many things, really.
Slick as snot and I ain't lyin'.
The Snifits scatter and recover Toadstool's lost items.
But they miss one thing; they have the Shoes, Ring and Brooch. Whatever could it be?
Alright, we have another sort of mini-game here. Essentially, we gotta get the stuff back from the Snifits and get the crown before they do.
And I like good things, so we're going to be quick about this.
Can do, chief.
Oh, yessah, Massah.
And the Crown is perched on Booster's novelty Viking hat. Snag that and speak to him...
Remember, Booster, this was in the rehearsal. This shouldn't surprise you.
Sorry I'm late, little lady.
Oh, yeah, I brought Bowser. It's whatevs.
Toadstool disagrees, apparently.
Nice catch, Mario. I think she killed him.
Aww, nobody is ever dead when I say they are!
Yeah, aren't we supposed to be finding Star Pieces and helping this guy back into his castle? Let Toadstool get married. I'm pretty sure an annulment isn't that big of a deal for a princess.
Oh, Toadstool, you're too kind.
Well, in all fairness, Bowser probably did a majority of the work breaking the door down. And letting us into Booster's. Though, he is a turtle-dragon man. I think I can see why you're not getting any sugar, Bowser.
Oh, fuck off, you. This is all your fault.
How every neckbeard date ends.
WHY!? Just kiss the mustache guy! Jesus, woman!
Aww, that's so sweet. I can just feel the warm fuzzies in my heart.
And there goes that feeling. Thanks, Square. I'm sure there's a ton of slash fiction about this.
And this image didn't help!
WE DO NOT NEED PICTURES OF A TURTLE HUMPING A MAN WHO SHOULD LIVE IN HIS MOTHER'S BASEMENT
Yes, please. I need some bleach.
Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself, Bowser.
I forgot about you, Chef.
Oh, now we can all eat cake and be merry!
Be merry in Marrymore! Hooray!
Actually, yeah, where did the Snifits go? I didn't have to fight them for their items. They just gave them up.
How? You two got practice in making a cake, Apprentice-boy. Appreciate what we did here.
Yep, with me. What, you wanna fight about it?
I'm sure we can take some home in Tupperware or something. we won't let it go to waste.
Maybe if I hadn't decided to stay the night at the Inn, we could have avoided this.
Oh, I guess they do want to fight about it. Well, let's get this over with.
Yeah, I'm targeting the cake. See, the chefs here aren't the real fight. It seems like they should be, but no, this big, frosting-covered bastard is. Wail on him for a while and eventually this happens.
Apprentice: Chef Torte! The cake's moving!
Torte: Back to verk!
Unfortunately, it was moving. Bundt is such a massive pain in the ass to fight. And not because of these two chucklefucks.
Go through another few turns and they have another exchange.
Apprentice: Why would I lie?
A perfectly good question, by the way.
Bundt also gives me the fucking creeps.
And now the real fight starts. Even being as overlevelled as I am, Bundt is a pain in the ass.
Like I said, Bundt gives me the creeps. Look at him just...undulate.
That's how we do the first part of the fight. Blowing out the candles is achieved through percussive force.
Hitting him with an attack will knock out one of the candles. Bundt has five candles, and is pretty fast. Be too slow and you may never get past this part of the fight, and from what I can tell, you just can't brute-force him to death.
This is another reason why Bundt is a cocksucker. Sandstorm inflicts Fear.
Thankfully, the damage is laughable. But with fear, our Attack and Defense has been halved. And Bundt can put on the hurt if he wants to. Thankfully, the candles will still fall in one attack, no matter how weak.
Bundt also relights candles on his turn. It's only one, but it's enough to keep him in this dangerous phase.
He has a wide variety of magic attacks, but for some reason, he only used Sandstorm and Diamond Saw against me. I could have sworn he had a full-party Ice element attack.
Two buzz-saws made out of ice rip through the air and a single character.
Thank God he didn't do that to Bowser. I shudder to think of the damage it would have done. I think there's a pretty realistic chance that it would have dropped Bowser like a bad habit.
But, I keep up the assault and keep on knockin' out candles.
With all of them out right now, this doesn't bother me. He'll relight one, but Bowser will knock it out as soon as he does.
When I said Bundt was fast, I meant it. He went twice in a row here. That little ball of light is another one of his attacks, but it's physical and single-target. Not nearly as scary as his magic.
Seriously, it's not threatening. I don't even know how that works with halved Defense.
Yep, Mario swings the Super Hammer from side-to-side, instead of smashing skulls.
That destroys his top half, thankfully. This fight just got a whole lot easier.
First things first; I hate having my characters look like they're going through epileptic fits, so they all suck down an Able Juice. With the top half gone, this fight is about 3/4ths of the way over.
Raspberry here only has 600 HP. He's also weak to Jump attacks, and with my strength back to full, he ain't gonna know what hit him.
I also have a pair of Jump Shoes on Mario, for an extra +5 Magic Attack. Geno has his old Trueform pin, if you were wondering where that got off to.
The Jump Shoes make Mario spin as he flies through the air. It also helps to deliver big damage.
This is the signal the fight is over. Bundt is a friggin' asshole. Ask anyone who's played this game and fought him underlevelled.
Nibbling is a no-no, but smashing it with hammers and Chomps? A-OK!
He's also allowed to teabag his own cake. I definitely don't want a piece now.
Coming up is one of my favorite lines in the game.
It makes me laugh every time. Hell, I'm smilin' like a fool just reading the line again.
Though, I'm fairly certain any goon would know a cake when they see one.
Oh, crap, here it comes. Brace for impact.
Booster, looking at you, I'm surprised you have to question how to eat anything.
Boiled cake...Quick, someone, boil a cake and report the results. I'm curious.
WE WILL NOT #2 WITH A CAKE
AND IT'D BE FUCKING GROSS
Oh, you're still talking about how to eat it. Sorry, continue.
You could put these last few lines in any porn and nobody would know the difference.
See? I rest my case.
Yeah, I don't blame you. That's a bigass cake.
I didn't realize eating a cake could be so stressful.
Bundt really does move a little bit here. It's kind of subtle.
The Snifits don't give a shit, though. Booster's gotta eat that Goddamn cake!
And back to porn dialog.
I really like that he gets the same healing stars our characters do when we use Mushrooms and stuff. It's a nice detail.
Then why are you crying?
Oh. That explains it, then.
They really can't believe that's how weddings go. And I hope Booster doesn't think he's now married to Toadstool.
And away they go, while we get our reward. Too bad there's not a Flower Box here.
But, Mario did gain a level all the same. An extra +2 Attack is also given to him.
I guess they're very surprised at the level of stupidity displayed here. I know I would be.
All in a day's work, ma'am.
I took this shot in the middle of Mario nodding, by the way. He's not depressed they have to go back or anything.
What I can't believe is that you were crying after you lost your stuff. Why didn't you run!?
Oh, Mario, you dog. Slide it later, though. We've gotta go.
Be sure to bring her back safely!
But first, let's end this update. We've gone on long enough.
*Seriously, though, let's have a contest. Everyone, draw Bowser breaking into a church, and we'll all vote on who has the best. Winner will get a new avatar of whatever they want.
But, what if you didn't collect the items quick enough? Is there still some sort of a reward?
In a manner of speaking, yes. Yes there is.