Part 31: Update Thirty: A Plumber's Lament

Welcome back! Last time, on Super Mario RPG, we ascended to the sky and bought new weapons. We also encountered Valentina, who is to marry Prince Mallow and become Queen of Nimbus Land! So, let's get this show on the road!



We start off today by heading into this building, just north of the item shop and inn.



Three statues of Valentina, a Goomba and a statue of Mallow. Everything seems to be in order here.



Though, I guess this statue is a little weird. Maybe it was that other Mallow fellow as a lad.



"Terrible ugly child he was."





Garro has a perfectly reasonable question here. I suppose, were I a statue maker that kept a statue of our monarch around when he was a boy, I, too, would be suspicious.



Do they have to introduce Mario here? Is he famous in the sky, too? Or is he just land-famous?



become a splendid young prince!





And everyone says Mario is the best jumper in the land. I think it's more or less he has the best consistency for jumping really high.



Son of a bitch, Frogfucius was right! Mallow's not a tadpole at all!



This is Mario nodding, by the way. He's not hanging his head in shame or anything. He decides to share Mallow's tale with Garro.





I'm really glad that Mario's ability to do this wasn't just a one-off joke. I think it would have worked either way, but I definitely like that it keeps coming back.





Garro, if you're so smart, how come the rest of these chucklefucks believe that the fat bird is Mallow? For the love of God, he's not only an entirely different color, but he has feathers! Feathers!



Mallow, ladies and gentlemen; slick as owl shit.



It's okay, Mario. You still have Bowser!



...Remember what I said about Garro being smart? I take it back.









Now that's a man of action! I can appreciate this Mallow! Hell, I'm even willing to bet he could probably solo the castle. (No, I'm not doing that.)



Eh? What's that sound?





Okay, Garro. We'll try your stupid plan, even though I know if Mario went, we could just dropkick the castle down.



Uh, sure? I don't even know what we're doing here.





Alright, Garro, but this better be good.





Of all the things that SMRPG could draw inspiration from, I never expected to see Goldfinger on that list.



What, this isn't Goldtanium armor? The hardest metal known to man?



Or is that diamond? I get the two confused sometimes.



And with that, Garro grabs a Valentina statue and drags us off to the castle.



Her latest order? I'm afraid to see how many of these garish statues are inside the castle.





I was convinced I missed a screenshot somewhere here. I didn't. He tells Garro to enter, then tells him to halt. I'm so confused.





C'mon, Garro, give us an expert lie!



So, we're her nephew, but with the name of a Scottish noblewoman. Nice.



Oh, good, the guard is as confused as I am.





It's called Google, Garro. I got 278,000 results in .12 seconds. Mariotta is real.



Jesus Christ, Santa Claus has invaded! Everybody, flee!



make something THIS stunning!





Aw, crap. Looks like we'll have to kill the prospective queen.



'scuse me, bitch?







Where was this talent earlier, Garro? Why didn't you bullshit the guards this well?





Either that or he overheard someone talking in an art museum and he's just recalling what they said. Oddly enough, it was a Picasso the other man was talking about.



This is spectacular!!



Ladies and gentlemen, why I hate the art world.



Now that Garro is tired of this shit, he's out.



C'mon, Mario, she won't be expecting it. Just Super Jump her right here or something. I'm willing to bet we can get that parrot to fly out of her ass.



..............DODO!!





I almost feel bad for Dodo. Almost.







And we're left in this room, with three other statues of Valentina.



Freedom!



Alright, let's get to sneakin'.



So much for that.





Mario enters Metal Gear Goomba mode; I bet the Chancellor is on 141.2.



Or something like that. Hell, I've never played Metal Gear Solid (don't judge me).



Mario panics, as he is about to be caught.





Get ready because he's coming this way!



Alright, so here we have Dodo. This fat bastard hates Valentina. Instead of polishing her statues, he pecks the shit out of them.



He'll also try to peck us, so we've gotta jump outta the way.



Like so.



Dodo doesn't quite believe what he saw. But he moves on anyway.



This repeats a few more times, with him pecking the other statues, but never our statue.



He eventually runs from the room, having given up his quest.



Oh, that fat, sneaky turd.



Still can't touch this.



Dodo flees again and we've won this round.



In this room, we find a discarded feather.



It's one of Dodo's feathers. It's an accessory that anyone can equip that raises Speed by 20 points. It's pretty nice, but I keep everyone's accessories the same for now.



Leaving that room, we find yet another obstacle to sneak past.



Thankfully, appearing to be a statue makes this easy.



He has to polish Valentina's statues EVERY single day!



I'm sure you can imagine how this goes.



Every damn person hates Valentina. We can't dodge this jab, though.



Mario flips the fuck out.







In my head, both of these guards sound like Barry Burton. The original one, before all of that REmake business. It's terrible and hilarious.



"I'm not effective against living things!"



And so much for that whole sneaking around thing. That's over now.



In the next room and around the bend, we have some new enemies!



Pinwheels are fairly weak enemies, with 99 HP. Their only notable stat is Speed, which is 32. They have access to Static E and Lightning Orb and, accordingly, are immune to Thunder.



Once Again Flowers are always nice, too.



The Muckle over here has 320 HP with a weakness to Fire. They can use Crystal and if they're hit with a special that doesn't kill 'em, they retaliate with Blizzard. They have a chance to drop Ice Bombs, but really, except their high HP, Muckles are nothing to remember exist.



Really, those two enemies are pretty forgettable. They're nothing special and I think they exist solely to help pad encounters.



Shy Guys are also wandering around the halls of the castle.



If they weren't so damned adorable, I'd say it'd be better to force these guys out of your mind, too, as it can be filled with something better. Like boobs or Robocop.



Toadstool has no problem tearing through this guy's 120 HP. Hell, she didn't even have to worry about the fact that he could have silenced her or turned her into a Scarecrow. Though, if she hadn't beaten him down with her fan right now and left him for last, he could have ran away. Sling Shys are kind of sissies.



Now that's what I like to see. A bit more experience, and the Coinage ain't half bad, either.



There's a lot of fucking enemies in the castle. Off the top of my head, I think every room has at least four encounters in it, if not more.

Anyway, the Orbisons are like the Orb Users back in Booster's Tower. These guys only have 30 HP, but 140 Defense. In addition to a generic attack, they also have Recover and Mega Recover. It's like Recover but, like, all mega.



Someone in the thread posted a theory that Valentina loves birds. This isn't actually a golden bird statue, but an enemy trying to be all sneaky. He fails, but I really just wanted to mention I thought that theory was a pretty good one.



After defeating it, we snag a full-heal Mushroom from this chest. I still like the green filtery effect it throws across the screen.





Hey, those guys look familiar, right?



Hey, two new enemies! Jawfuls and Shamans.



Shamans are kind of pathetic. Their Defense is low enough I saw Toadstool deal around 250 damage to one. However, indicative to their names, they have access to a ton of magic; Diamond Saw, Blizzard, Lightning Orb, Crystal and Flame Stone. Their magic stat is good enough they can do a bit of damage with their spells, too.



They also drop Lucky Flowers, so I love the little bastards. Plus, a cousin of theirs sold me the Hurley Gloves. They're cool in my book.



Jawfuls are interesting. They begin a battle asleep and if they take any damage, from anything, they awaken. They can hit fairly hard and their Defense isn't too bad, either. They got 278 HP and 200 Speed.



Sass one and he'll stab you in the fucking face with a fork.



However, this battle was easily worth it. Maple Syrups are nice.



And so is Toadstool hitting level 21 and gaining +3 Attack!



I'll come back for that Heavy Troopa, but for now, I must explore behind door #1.



Seriously, this place is just fucking packed. I actually began actively avoiding battles.



But not well enough. Geno hit level 23 and an additional +3 Magic Attack.



That chest contains a Flower. The blue bird is an entirely new enemy.



Bluebirds have 200 HP, immunity to Ice and weakness to Fire. They can use Crystal and Blizzard, but are really nothing extraordinary. We've covered Heavy Troopas before.



Back out in this hallway, there must be something good behind that door.



This is how a Heavy Troopa launches by the way. I find it so adorable how their little wings flutter.



Son of a bitch.



At least there's a Flower at the end here.



Nah, this isn't a repeat. There's just two identical hallways.



I think it'd be great to see these two draw and see who wins in a duel.



Bowser definitely wins, though, with hitting level 22. He also gets an extra 3 HP on top of it all.



At the bottom of these stairs is another doorway.



Oh, it's full of people.



Sure, but I'd like to know more.



King gets to bathe in it.



Oh, God, she has modern art, too.



ricochet off of you.



Or else toast him and give us a marshmallowy center to enjoy, once we peeled off the burnt flesh.



He gives us a Flower Jar. Out of fucking nowhere. My max FP is 78 now, by the way.



I shudder to imagine the job Valentia would hand out to one of the unwashed masses.





Oh, hell yeah. You're the best former guard ever.



Just follow the howls of whatever monsters are infesting the castle, then use your imagination.



After getting Castle Key 1, we hit that save point in the corner and we are done for the day.

Next time, we'll explore some more of the castle and fight a mini-boss! Stay tuned!