The Let's Play Archive

The You Testament

by General Ironicus

Part 10: Back in Business

Chapter 9: Back in Business

Before we kick things off its time for a quick power-up.

MDickie went to the effort of adding cheat codes. Holding Alt+F1 regenerates health, and the other two bars correspond to F2 and F3. This makes recording much less painful. Now its more of a "kick in the balls" than the "passing a kidney stone" it was before.

In any case, we approach our savior, still battered from his encounter with the Roman IRS.

Yeah, Apollo Ohno does it all the time you stupid kid.

I really shouldn't be surprised anymore, but I am. MDickie has never picked up a physics textbook, or a bible for that matter, in his life.

But do remember the symbolism of this power. We 'walk' on that which others 'drown' in. Do you understand? The power is a by-product of being on top of life! Only those that are burdened by ignorance sink.

By MDickie's own account then, he is the densest creature alive. This episode is supposed to take place on a boat in a storm, two things that are not programmed into the game.

NO FUCK YOU! You can bastardize the New Testament all you want but leave Spider-Man alone. That is sacred.

You must resist the temptation to use your powers for evil. Otherwise they'll disappear as quickly as they came! That includes showing them off to the public. You must be careful about where and when you perform miracles. Very few people are capable of comprehending these things! Attracting undue attention will only make your life harder. Forget about mere mortals and seek the approval of God! Only then will your destiny stay on the right track.

I too remember when Jesus said to play it safe and keep the Good News to yourself. This speech really does a good job of summarizing those verses:

The Book of John posted:

23Now John also was baptizing at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were constantly coming to be baptized. 24(This was before John was put in prison.) 25An argument developed between some of John's disciples and a certain Jew over the matter of ceremonial washing.

The new power is called "Weightlessness" and I think its time to try it out.

That's pretty much it.

WHAAAAAAA? Weightlessness is the lamest power to use on yourself but using it with 's' lets you toss around whoever you want and they can take quite a bit of fall damage. Its my favorite way to fight now, even better than force choke.

Looks like Gokesus knew what he was talking about. Its time to get out of dodge.

That wanted poster is persistent unless we find a way to get rid of it. Any time Charlie Brown goes back to Galilee the guards will try to arrest him on the spot. I just see it as a quick teleport back south.

Back in Tiberias the Hug Gospel continues unabated, but Matt Smith seems jealous. I have no idea why, he gets to hang out with Karen Gillan all day and I'd cut off a leg for that.

Then when he gets his turn he's hardly appreciative. If this is any indication the next few years are going to suck.

Eventually we reach our destination, and get sucker-punched by an angry, tiny man.

The passage cited here is the Beatitudes (blessed are the _____ for _____). Either MDickie really has lost his mind or a random number generator is making these references.

Every living thing has a 'soul' presiding over its existence. There's one controlling you right now! The soul is supposed to do God's will, but sometimes they have their own ideas and abuse their position.

You can do this too by meditating on the left branch of the 6th chakra. You can control anyone you want! You've only got a limited time in another body though. And you must make sure that you don't neglect your own.

Apparently demonic possession is when a soul gets too big for its britches and Jesus is a-ok with subverting other people's free will. Also, nice typo.

Well let's give it a shot anyway.

As soon as the power is activated you're in control of whoever is nearby. In this case an evil longhaired man in beige. How many ocelots are there in this thing? You can't do anything interesting in your new body, and get shunted back into your real body if it ever gets hit, which is a near-certainty in this game. In practical terms, this power is just a waste.

On our way to the next plot point we find another lonely wanderer in the desert. Last time that happened it was the son of God so surely there's something to this guy.

Never mind, he just thought it was Tatooine.

There's nothing to say about this, it just makes me laugh.

For most of this LP Charlie Brown has had a son and we've never stopped by. Its high time the blockhead stops being such a deadbeat.

Apparently the only event relating to fatherhood is the actual birth. There is nothing more to do after having a kid than hearing this speech over and over again. Like RoadCrewWorker pointed out, the events are triggered by being within a certain radius of someone. In this case the radius is way too big.

I had to sit through this speech a full five times just to get out of the Mount of Olives.

Eventually we get back north and reunite with the J man.

Oh Gokesus you kidder. Its nearly impossible to tell from this angle, but the terrain does change.

See that? I've been playing the You Testament but Jesus has been playing Fracture. The worst part is he doesn't give us this power, he keeps all the good stuff to himself. I'll find a way to show him. He'll see just how I can move mountains.

 Stay tuned for The You Testament: Fuck MDickie Topsy Turvy