Part 1: Episode 0: Dirge of Cerberus Refresher

Episode 0: Dirge of Cerberus Refresher

Hey. Sorry for taking five months to update. Have some bonus videos! Titles may be deceptive...

***** Bonus Videos, yo! *****


Special Japanese Trailer (subtitled)


In-depth Plot Recap


The Gameplay of Dirge of Cerberus

***** Cast of Characters *****

You could say that there's a few new characters added to the Final Fantasy VII world by Dirge of Cerberus. Or you could just tilt your head and wonder who the fuck these neon pricks are. Here's a quick refresher on the cast so far:

- VINCENT VALENTINE

Who is he?
The hero of the game.

Why should I hate him?
- Perpetually brooding.
- Never adds anything to any conversation.
- Can jump eight stories in cutscenes. Cannot jump over a two foot fence ingame.
- Has the build of a thirteen year old girl.
- Has been moping about about some girl at work he had a crush on decades ago. Said girl is not dead.
- Stupid haircut.
- Voiced by Steven Blum doing a bad David Hayter impression.
- Stupid shoes.

- LUCRECIA CRESCENT
Who is she?
Former Shinra scientist. Sephiroth's mom. Flirted with Vincent a few times, leading to a multi-decade creepy fixation on her.

Why should I hate her?
- Gave birth to the idol of fourteen year olds everywhere.
- Doesn't put out.
- Except for Hojo.

- REEVE TUESTI
Who is he?
Leader of the World Regenesis Organization. Former Shinra executive. The man behind Cait Sith.

Why should I hate him?
- Stupid last name.
- Made Cait Sith.
- Has a mullet.
- Smells like cabbage.

- CAIT SITH
Who is he?
Robotic toy cat made to deal with Reeve's mid-life crisis.

Why should I hate him?
- It is Cait Sith.
- Has a Scottish accent in a world with no Scotland.
- Hates minorities.

- CID HIGHWIND
Who is he?
Cid Highwind you !@#$er!

Why should I hate him?
- Southern accent.
- Not the main character.

- YUFFIE KISARAGI
Who is she?
Comic relief sidekick ninja girl. Addition bonus character nobody ever used in Final Fantasy VII.

Why should I hate her?
- Voiced by:


- SHALUA RUI
Who is she?
Chief WRO scientist. Has been battling Shinra for years after her sister was abducted. Dresses like whore, despite lab coat. Really likes winking.

Why should I hate her?
- Unbelievably stupid character design.
- Battle injury resulting in her left eye being closed forever. Not scarred or anything... Just stuck closed.
- Accomplishes nothing.
- Has the most unnecessarily dramatic death scene ever.
- Fails to die in said death scene.

- SHELKE THE TRANSPARENT
Who is she?
Member of the elite Tsviets group of Deepground. Sister of Shalua. Uses a lightsaber laser rapier.

Why should I hate her?
- Is really nineteen. She just looks like she's nine years old.
- No really.
- Really.
- Hello, Mr. Hanson.
- Actually, I really don't have time for a talk right now.

- AZUL THE CERRULEAN
Who is he?
Member of the Tsviets. Overcompensates with a cannon the size of a small car. Can turn into some sort of Jim Henson workshop reject.

Why should I hate him?
- Name means "Blue the Blue". That's just stupid.
- Bogarted Vulcan Raven's team role of "big guy with bigger gun".
- I mean really... Blue the Blue?

- ROSSO THE CRIMSON
Who is she?
Another member of the Tsviets. Really likes killing Redshirts. Torn a hole out of Vincent the size of a softball.

Why should I hate her?
- Red the Red...
- Really stupid haircut... And outfit... And voice...
- Has a Russian accent despite the fa...oh... We already had this come up, didn't we...?

- NERO THE SABLE
Who is he?
Seldom seen member of the Tsviets. Wears a jockstrap on his face. Has more belts on his outfit than lines of dialog in the script.

Why should I hate him?
- He wears a jockstrap...
- On his face...
- Think about that for a minute...

- WEISS THE IMMACULATE
Who is he?
The leader of Deepground or something... I forget. He was in one out of fifteen hundred cutscenes.

Why should I hate him?
- Looks like a Dragonball Z reject.
- Puts Cloud's spiky hair to shame.
- One of those sort of guys that always goes around shirtless. You know the type.
- Poor speech writer.

Alright. That ought to do it for now. Go see the real update, ya pricks.