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Amazing Cultivation Simulator

by Nyaa

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Original Thread: Join the GOON CULT-ivation to become a Daoist GOD! Amazing Cultivation Sim!




Greeting, mortals! Do you want to live forever?

Do you want to learn esoteric art that let you fly on your saber, change the weather, and sunbeam out your magic basket that can murder a bear?

Then sign up with your Forum Name and Gender for us to calculates the fate that heaven have generate for you! Free of charge! Who knows, you might be destined to be cripple on the left leg , maul to death by a bear, and then become fertilizer for the farm!

What is this mystical school that will guide you towards the path of immortality you ask? Come, little tadpole, let me widen your eyes like a frog by taking you to tour our world-renowned cultivation organization!

Just look at how big and Feng Shui positive it is! In fact, our treasure room’s Qi – Mystical Air Energy is so dense that they are visible like fog! You can feel your lifespan extends just from breathing it! By negligent amount.

No, you can’t go there or touch the treasures! You might lose your left leg just by holding the magic leaf the wrong way!

We even have a god-blessed thousand years old spiritual tree to generate Spiritual Qi power that rivals the land of celestial! You can say our founding ancestor specifically settled here because of this tree!

Speaking of ancestor, the north side of our school is the ancestral/immortal worshipping room and Outer-Student’s room. Remember to show your respect to pray when you are there!

What is an Outer-Student? Good question! They are like you, a mortal who seeks to become superhuman and achieve immortality! You are responsible for chores and all sort of manual labor.

In exchange for your hard work in chores and all sort of manual labor, we will offer you minimal wage help show you how to cultivate your body to become an Inner Student!

What is an Inner Student? Good question! They are your senior or master whom are the powerhouse Daoist Master who can perform miracles and protect the sect from danger such as demon and dragon!

Oh, speaking of demon! The phoenix is back again to raid us! Our amazing inner students will scare it away from what I like to call our High Security Zen Garden Fortress!

Still, I wonder why it keeps coming back for more beating like an idiot.

Anyway, this is why the sooner you join, the more prestige you can gain from getting a head start into becoming a master with many future Goon students who have to lick your boot! They will pitifully beg you to impart them your great wisdom of cultivation! In fact, you get your own room if you become an Inner Student in our school! This whole system is not a pyramid scheme.

Who knows, someday you might leave behind an incorruptible saint corpse for later generation of students to worship for your blessing!

OH SHIT! More idiots are raiding us!


Dammit! They are numerous and strong! It’s time to call out the Sect Master!

Well said, boss! Show these Qi-Refinement/Condensation stage idiots a lesson!

Wow! Did you see that!? He took down all of them! In one shot! That’s the difference in power level of stages!

OH NO! NO! NO! There’s more of them and our sect master got caught in a deadly Five-Element array trap!

RUN! Grab whatever you can and run away with other people! Yeah! You are a student now!

Continues forth our path towards immortality! Cultivate and become strong!

Or if you are not talented enough to self-cultivate, then you could try out that Divinity Cultivation through faith!

Go rebuild our school somewhere and be careful not to piss off other world power!

Find the culprit who cause our destruction and avenge us!

Bring glory to the Taiyi [Insert School Name]! I suggest you flee towards [Insert Map Seed Name]!

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Edit: Hall of Fame moved to post-epilogue.
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